greenwriter

Edinburgh

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Beautiful

Lovely little poem, like the concept, good sense of rhythm, nice flow, unique imagery :)

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Eloquent and insightful prose

Two chapters in and enjoying this so far! You have a great writing style, it is fluent and eloquent and has some lovely descriptions. I really like how you build up Miriam’s character in Ch 2. Also particularly like how you end the first two chapters on short, almost cliff-hanger like sentences. These literally are page turners and makes the reader want to go to the next chapter right away.

However, I do feel like there is a bit I have narrative exposition, long paragraphs of prose. Maybe there’s more dialogue coming in Ch 3 but currently the pace slows down a bit too much for my liking.

Still, I’m really excited to see how this story develops. Good job :)

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Intriguing and Vivid

This was a very fascinating read and a great opening to a novel. The Biblical context gives an extra flavour to the story, elevating it into something more than just a regular high+school novel. The prose is concise and eloquent and reads very nicely. I love how you blend depictions of the setting together with depicting the protagonist's character. One becomes the means for another. The descriptions are very vivd and engage the senses and give you a very solid image/idea of the protagonist.
The only the thing I could see that needs improving is you use 'desperate' and 'desperately' in the same, short, paragraph. It's towards the end of the chapter. Otherwise, great stuff.

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Great Characters

This grabbed my attention right from the start. The writing is clean, smooth and fast-paced - which suits the high school/dating setting the protagonists personality. The dialogue is well-crafted and introduces the characters perfectly. What I particularly liked was how the characters were brought to life through dialogue/language rather than long paragraphs of narrative exposition. The ending of Ch 1, with the protagonist considering dating Claire, sets up the plot for the rest of the novel and the beginning for a potential conflict with mArtin. Great stuff, look forward to reading more. :)

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Review

It's an interesting story, the blurb and quote intrigued me and made me want to read more. I thought the opening paragraph interesting seeing Elias reading Banksy, it's different and makes the reader feel curious about Elias' character and get to know him better. The incident with the cheese is amusing and makes the reader chuckle.

I found quite a few spelling/grammar mistakes though, and that jarred with me as I was reading. Maybe this is a first draft in which case such errors can be understood, but just thought I'd point it out anyway in case there were some you'd missed. I've listed some examples.

Paragraph 3: stuff giant bear = stuffed
Paragraph 5: scrunch nose = wrinkles his nose (my suggestion)
Paragraph 10: A fucking physico = psycho, psychic? not sure which word you're aiming for here
You make Elias swear using the f-word a lot of times and I don't think that's necessary, it's a very emotive word and I don't think it's use is justified here.
Also: Elias or Eilas? You've got two spellings. I assume you mean Elias. You've written Eilas in the Blurb and quote.

Hope I don't sound too harsh about the spellings, just wanted to give you honest feedback :)

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