Hayden D. Linder

You're in too much of a hurry.

If you check my writing you'll see I am very brief on descriptions. But you are so quick to get to everything that you make me seem long winded. You have got to take a breath.and re-read this. Think about how things would unfold naturally. Because the whole thing about : {Hi I'm the new kid. Your a vampire. Let's go.} Should probably be a little longer than one paragraph.

I can;t stand over embellished writing. But you DO need a little of it.

This story does show promise. It could be great. But you've gotta put more time into it.

Needs to be a "little" longer.

I love the concept but you have a lot of tweaking to do on this one. You still have several grammar errors. Those aren't game stoppers but they do need to be addressed. Also, we need a little more of the fight with the werewolf. Right now it reads like a "damsel in distress" story. I would also suggest you revisit all of the times you tell us about how she is worried about losing her humanity. You should be able to convey that in one or two conversations. Right now it's like your beating us over the head with it. I'm not saying this shouldn't be a short story. But right now it's too short.

All of that being said. I think it has the potential to be 5 stars but it needs work.

And I will close by saying, "If you sucked. I wouldn't have commented."

I love this story. You've done a wonderful job on it so far. :)

Bad grammar but great story.

This book is easily 5 stars up until ch42. Then it drops to 4. That’s the dinner fight where Angell confronts McKinney. It just doesn’t sell well. I think, you need to take a closer look at that fight and rework to something a little more believable. At the end of it all, you have a nobody cowpoke accusing McKinney of heinous crap. You need some kind of proof or something. Anyway, I did enjoy the book but the last few chapters brought it down to a four. And you have a LOT of misused words.

Loved it!

OK, yup you had me glued to this thing the whole way through. I think it's just your writing style. I loved every part of this thing.
HOWEVER, You know? I think that's become my favorite word. However, you now have a buttload of books that need to be fleshed out and edited. You are going to have to see to that at some point.

5 Stars. Yeah, I know. Big surprise. Right?

OK.That was still addicting.
There is one thing I’d like to throw out to you. I know you’re rushing through this to get down on “paper?” But when you go back to clean it up. Try to drop a few points of foreshadowing throughout the other books. Things like seers and lupis and burnout carry a lot more impact for the reader if they’ve been alluded to before they read it in the story. Not a game stopper by any means. I just think it would up the “cool” factor for a fan reading the story for the first time.

EXCEPTIONAL!

OK. I loved this. Easy 5 stars. Yeah I had to gig you a star on grammar cause o the type-o's. But you knew that was gonna happen. The only fine tuning I think that is needed is when you start revealing the supernatural aspects of this story. I disagree with the first reviewer. I think it needs to be smoothed out a bit. Not enough to gig you a star but there you go. I really enjoyed this.

Promising

This is not a bad story. It DID have a little trouble holding my attention.
The tone comes across as if English is not your first language. That plus some grammatical errors tell me you really need an editor. Not a bad thing. We all need editors form time to time.
The story is not bad either but it does need something. It's missing that hook that draws people in. You may want to ditch the First person view and go with a traditional narration..
I think the story has promise. But you are going to have to work for it.

Lots of promise but needs work

So, Good points first. Once I got into this story I REALLY enjoyed it.
You can tell a good story. AND I can tell you enjoyed writing this.
But I think I know why you’re having trouble in chapter 2. That’s when the fiance drops the “N” bomb. And that’s pretty much the point where I think most people are losing interest. I can tell from your writing that you want to talk about the seriousness of the term but it’s just not working as is. Instead what you have is readers wondering why Brian didn’t dump her racist ass right then.

I think you need to pull the “N” bomb out of this story. Rewrite the fiance to something more believable and interesting. Annnnd I’d recommend you pull the whole park scene. It’s not holding the readers interest. An I think it would be more compelling if we discovered Kelly’s past along with her.

SIDE NOTE: And PULL the writer’s comment from chapter 4 to chapter 1.

Anyway. I am looking forward to the rest of this story. The core of it is very good.

Noooooooooo! Katy!?

{SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE NOT HAVING READ THIS STORY}
[Go read it! Then you can read this.]

I thought you had this finished? I was addicted to this thing! Grrr. Ok.
Anyway, I loved it. If you haven’t guessed.
I know I said earlier how you had a lot of type-o’s and you said this was first a draft. So, 2 points about 1st Drafts. 1) First Drafts are to be cherished. Prized even. Because they are a landmark for a writer. That you have overcome the greatest hurdle that lies between you. And a published work. You have written it down. That is a big deal.

2nd point? Never ever ever ever never EVER F’n never! Let anyone see your first draft. Only two things can happen. Many times BOTH at the same time. The other person will critique it to the point that you start to feel you cannot do this writing thing. OR they tell you a bunch of crap you already know. Like me talking about the grammar?

As for the story. LOVED it!... Buuuuut???? You know, Nathan, Justin and Blake are all pretty much the same guy. Right? You really need to dig into them and expound on some differences. Cause right now you could ditch Justin and Blake. And just say [Nathan has a crappy car and can’t park.] And the story would stay the same.

Also, I know you want to express how she doesn’t want to be hurt by Chuck again. But I would review those conversations. The dialogue is NOT verbatim. But the conversation she has one day with Nathan sounds pretty much the same as the one she has with Justin the next day.

So the big one. NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. But some of your dialogue had me thinking Beatty was the one that had kept her Father away all those years. And I was starting to think she was the one that killed her mom. Not sure of that is a direction you want to go in or not.

Last thing. I swear. You stated she can’t swim because she is from Texas. That -is- gonna piss somebody off. Weall swim just fine here. The summers are a nightmare here. So all of us are in a lake or a river or a pool. I would change that to some other reason that won’t get you a bunch of hate comments from literate rednecks… like me:)

So in closing. LOVED THIS! 5 STARS across the board easily. Except for grammar. Sorry. Looking forward to the rest though.

Not bad.

I liked this one. The structure starts out strong, which I enjoyed, but the last paragraph you go to less of "You fighting against the world" and switch to a "I will protect you theme." It kinda lost it there for me. However! Not a bad piece of work.

Not bad.

OK. This one still needs more development. Usually I'm telling people they need to make their work larger but in this one you have actually made it a little too long. The metaphor of the heart and the mind? I liked those but they're still not quite right. Also, you start out the piece by talking about YOU and then at the end we get to the man and the woman. I think you can just cut the man and the woman out of this piece and dig around some more on how to finish this. All in all, I enjoyed it. It's just not done yet.

I liked it.

I like this poem. And I love the concept you went with on this. But the beginning and the end need a little work. I am paraphrasing here; “The flowers remind of a distant spring.” No they don’t. Your poem goes way passed the ideas and memories of Spring. So you need something that captures All of the memories of this poem. Preferably something with a hook. A real ‘attention getter’ of an opening.
AND NOW THE ENDING. “So realize vase is full memories.” Just kinda sucks. Which keep in mind, I loved everything in the middle. But you need a closing statement that is profound. Especially for a piece like this.

Needs work

Lots of little grammatical issues but nothing life altering. The story though is a little light on interest. It’s not bad. It’s just needs some oomf to it. You have an end of the world situation and it reads like a survival story without the emotion. I think you need to extend both chapters of this. Probably just put them together into one larger chapter and work at bringing in some of the emotional details.

Definite possibilities with this one.

There are several grammatical errors in this that need to be fixed. However, your story telling isn’t bad. You do have some continuity issues like, WHY did Austin trip the Mary? WHY did he hit her? WHY did she want to spare Joe and WHY were her friends OK with it? Also, it’s a little short. I would lengthen it out a bit so the reader has more stuff to make us think all of this is real.

Good but...

This is a well done piece but it's missing several things. One, you need to correct the grammar. I know. That's become a theme with me. Sorry. But two, you have GOT to invest some more of your humanity into these little stories.
Right now they're delivered like I was reading a history book. The story of the man who painted his way on a bicycle from India to Switzerland? If you gave us just a paragraph of what happened on that trip. That alone would make that portion of this story 5 stars.
When you're reading these, think about the human angle. Help us to connect to these characters and try not to focus on the facts too much. They're important but how they affected the people is the part we need in order to feel that these stories are great.

Really missed opportunity.

This story is coming in at 4 stars again. But looking at that last paragraph? That message is profound. Yes you have some grammar errors that need fixing. But THIS story really has the potential for a life changing impact of the reader. You really need to re-read this and find that hook for this piece. Because it -is- beautiful. But it has the possibility of becoming an epiphany.

A beautiful story.

I enjoyed this moment of realization about what's truly important in life. BUT it is missing that last bit that makes it amazing. There are a few grammar issues as well. I would fix those and mull over this story a bit more. See if you can't latch onto that missing "little something" it needs to put it over the top.

Almost there.

OK. So this is good. I did enjoy it. But you have several grammatical errors that need to be addressed AND the story is just not grabbing me. I DID enjoy it. But it doesn't have that last bit that would make me tell people "you HAVE to read this." But I did like it.

I know you're gonna be mad at me and I'm sorry.

I don't review stories that suck. If you had no talent? Then I just wouldn't comment. This story however, is not ready yet. You're at 2 stars mostly due to poor grammar and some consistent continuity issues. Like:
Why the countdown to schools end for each chapter?
“Nat parked in her usual spot” in chpt 2. How does Jade know that if it’s only her second day at school. Nat wasn’t able to drive when she left them.
Language is stilted. I go here. I get this. I am half hispanic.
The way the Abigail thing is handled really makes Jade look like the bad guy here. You need a little more to explain why she is acting the way she is. T=Right now she just comes off as a "B."
Ch3 “Jordans advice [about abigail] might be helping.” But Jordan didn’t have any advice for her.
Ch 12 Conversation’s like the one she has with her mother about Dan is the kind of thing you want to show not tell.
Ch 13 “I drove back to the house.” With what? She doesn’t own a car.
Ch14 “Liza came to visit.” Who’s Liza? Remember, we only met Jordan’s mom one time by this point. So, we may need a reminder here.
The constant sleeping thing from Ch 11 to Ch 14 is starting to make it look like she has narcolepsy.

Now the reason I mention all of that is because? This book could easily be 5 stars if you go back through and correct this stuff. You're right on the cusp of that addictive quality needed for a 5th star. I enjoyed this story but you have more work to do. The good news is. You most certainly have the talent to make this happen.

OK. I LOVED this!

I kinda bumbled into your profile and read this story because it was short. Loved every freakin moment of this thing. Masterfully done. Now, I'm looking forward to reading your longer story. I wish I cold give you 6 stars for this one.

5 stars. I know. At this point it’s just ridiculous.

OK Katy. So the POV changes. I think you use them well from a structural point of view. But what they contain is overkill. You have a lot of redundant info in these POV changes. I do want you to keep them. But you have got to trim the repeat information. When you have three different POV’s of the same conversation with the same text throughout most of them. It starts to look like filler to the reader. So keep the POV’s. They do a great job of filling in for an omniscient narrator. BUT trim out any of the redundant stuff and give us the things that were not present in the previous POVs. I liked what you did in one chapter of this book where you had two small POV’s in the same chapter. You can do more of that or make a really small chapter to break up the flow a bit.

With that said. I know you’ve written many of these books and just to be sure you know which scene I’m talking about, {avoiding spoilers}. In regards to the part where Peter and Rune are on bikes while Tara and Sam hide in a tree with Tara’s bike? I have a favor to ask you. Can you go to my profile and read my book “Solarian down?” I’d like you to have a look at how I handle this. If you love it like or hate it. Let me know. This is an important part of the story so it is kind of important how much weight you should or shouldn’t put on my opinion. Also I love your work and would like to know what you think of mine. So I’m selfish here but with a purpose. ;)

In the meantime, I have to move on to Liberty. Because you said I should.

God speed, Spider Woman.

Wonderful issue.

Easily 5 stars again. I am obviously hooked.
HOWEVER!
Sorry. I love doing that.
I have noticed something about the story. I wasn’t sure I wanted to mention it because I couldn’t tell if it was me thinking the story should be more like something I would write OR if it was something that should change. I’m going to go ahead and say it and you can decide for yourself if you want to change things or not.
So you have these scenes throughout the story. BOOK 1: The Christmas dinner with Drew and Kayla’s parents, Marco finally catching her and her parents coming to her at the hotel. Book 2: 37 at the door in Germany. Book 3: Ally at Christmas when green turned red. (Sorry about talking in code. Trying not to give any spoilers here) And Book 4: 30 with her alone at the mall. Her talking to her mom about who was really behind the assassination attempt.

All of these scenes have the potential for you to REALLY jam some dramma into them. These are those moments when you can go over the top with it. But you seem to kind of shy away from that. I think you should go back and read these scenes again and mull em over. See what kind of dramatic stuff comes flying out. Because these are the kind of moments that can really make this story phenomenal.

A little clarification. NO. I have not been generous with my 5 stars. [5* = Can’t put it down.] You hit that consistently with every issue of this series. What I’m suggesting is NOT needed. I just think it could be even better.
Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to ignore the plees of my family and move on to Book 5:)

Oh yeah! That's better.

Whoof! Ahhhhhh. 30 chapters. Mmm. I - am - stuffed! [Belch]. Yeah baby!
So. Uh, 5 stars again.
OK seriously. Wonderful series. Incredibly addictive. These books are proving very hard for me to put down.

Katy!?

I am very angry with you, young lady.. This book is far too short as are several of the chapters. If I were a man of integrity I would refuse to read another word of this. But since I'm an addict and addicts have no integrity I will instead tell you, 5 Stars! And move on pathetically to Book 3.

P.S.
Loved this book.

LOVED this book!

Hey Katy,

So first things first. LOVED this book! I think it needs a little polish but it is already head and shoulders above some professionally published works I’ve paid good money for. You do have some grammatical errors and misused words. What with your dyslexia I think it might be a good idea to go ahead and get an editor. As a writer you never promised us that you were a grammar master. You just promised to tell a good story and you - have - succeeded young lady! If I were you I would give a shout out to all of the 69 people following you and see if one of them wants to volunteer for the job. I bet one of them is a grammar nazi and would jump at the chance. Anyway. 5 Stars! Looking forward to reading the others.

VERY addictive story.

I had a heck of a time putting this one down.
HOWEVER. Yeah, there’s always a “however.” Some of these chapters are just too darned brief. It’s like you’re impatient to get to the good stuff. For most of the chapters that’s alright. But for some of the Key chapters like #4 where Callen loses it with her sister? Even the dialogue suffers because you’re trying to get through it so fast as an author. The chapter where Tansy is talking to the Hydromancer is like that to.

Tansy: I’m mad at you.
Hydromancer: Please forgive me.
Tansy: I DO forgive you.
Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after.:)

I’m not saying you have to add a bunch of crud no one wants to read. But there is a balance between too much and too little. You need to edge just a bit more meat into the dialogue. AND the story.

People are far too generous with information in this story. Like General Reynolds at the end. “Was Councilman Braster spying for me? Yes. Yes he was.” There needs to be a bit more pulling teeth on a lot of this information.

As for Braster. You succeeded. We all hate him. But mostly because he was just so stupid. I recommend, and I truly do NOT mean for this to sound snide, that you get a copy of “The Prince” by Machiavelli. It is a wonderful primer on the mind of the douchebag. It helps a lot with fleshing out bad guys. Braster works as is. I just think he could be bumped up a notch or two.

The only trimming that needs to be cut in this book is chapter 31. It’s well done but we just had a tear jerker death not two chapters earlier. Now you have this one about a character we don’t know anything about. No time to get to know her or connect with her. And to be honest. If this chapter just disappeared? No one would notice. The only thing this chapter has is the death of a character we don’t know. So unless you’re gonna start being George R.R. Martin and start killing off all the good characters… Oh wait. It’s a pain in the butt when he does it too.

Speaking of Martin. At some point. Someone is going to tell you. “You shouldn’t have every chapter from a different character’s point of view.” And how “Just because George can pull it off doesn’t mean you can.” Ignore that idiot. He’s the same guy that will tell you not to ever write in the first person. Write the story in the way the STORY tells you to write it. This format works perfectly for this story. I loved it.

You do have a few chapters near the end where the P.O.V. changes. I know you did that because otherwise you would have a very short chapter. And I know I just told you to make them longer. BUT on those multi view chapters at the end. I would suggest you break them up. And if that means you have a couple micro chapters? Then so be it. It shakes things up a bit.

Lastly. Your type-o’s were minimal in the first few chapters but increased as the story continued. You DO need to read through this again and clean up the errors.

In closing: LOVED IT! I think it’s just shy of the pro level you’re capable of. But a real page turner as is.

I'm an ass. Sorry.

It's OK if you hate me for this. The drama you have down pat. But the story itself just didn't grab me. O know what you;re going for but when reading it? It just feels like you need to come at this from another angle.
Like instead of peeping through a keyhole. She needs to be talking to a manifestation of her ex-friend or something. And these details come out in that conversation. Or something like that.
The piece comes across as if you're trying to hard.

I hope that doesn't hurt too much. I do think this work has promise. But I think it will take a major rewrite to get it there.