Vampire Logistics and the Morality Dilemma
I would like to begin with this: even though I may be going in a bit on the grammar, that does not reflect my enjoyment of this book. I just want to highlight things that should be in mind if you ever decide to go through and edit this again, or so that you know what things are going to be subject to editing if this were to become eligible for publication.
Read the story now
I want to start positively so I would like to review the plot first. As I commented on the first chapter, this book gave me some Christopher Pike "The Last Vampire" vibes. The plots don't line up at all after about the first chapter or two (at most), but the general feel I got from both are very similar. I also felt some Anne Rice "The Vampire Chronicles" vibes because of the introspection into vampiric existence. The characters throughout the book were all different and multi-dimensional: I particularly liked Lillian and Amir. The way that the relationships of all the characters intertwined were also nice. The setting actually felt real. My favourite part of the entire plot, however, was the importance of things like the logistics of vampires in society, Scarlett's dilemma of morality, and the different mindsets regarding vampires. It made the plot feel even more fleshed out because it added volume and dimensions to it. The plot twists along the way helped drive the plot along in points that could easily have become weak spots if it had been written differently, so great job on that!
I also very much enjoyed your writing style. Though there were two chapters told form perspectives other than Scarlett's, I think having it in her first-person POV was perfect for this particular story. The style is rather simplistic -- not to descriptive, but enough; not too flowery, but not plain -- and fit with the point-of-view as well. The pacing was also nice: the story being told as things happened without too much interference (read: info dumps) worked well with the plot: it took events that only occurred over, maybe, a few weeks and turned them into fifteen chapters worth of content. I would also like to add that the dialogue was quite realistic as well which is refreshing to see. (As someone who started writing as thirteen, I'm all too familiar with dialogue that's unrealistic and uncomfortable.)
Here comes the part of my review that's going to be more negative. I'm not meaning to be discouraging or rude when I say this, but I think most of the other reviews' ratings on grammar are too forgiving. Now, your overall grammar is perfectly fine: you know the rules, for the most part. I thought, at first, that a lot of the mistakes I gave feedback on in the first chapter could be attributed to forgetting in the "heat of the moment" so to speak. However, I noticed that a lot of the issues I highlighted carried throughout the rest of the book. Perhaps my initial assumption is not correct. So, to be somewhat helpful, I've made a list of what you should look for to fix and what to keep an eye out for in your other writing.
There are sentences that are formatted incorrectly: many compound/complex/compound-complex sentences are missing commas. While this can sometimes be excused as a stylistic choice, it became clear that wasn't the case as I saw a trend. Dialogue tags are also formatted incorrectly on many occasions. Some sentences, I found, are worded awkwardly. There are also some misspelled words or words that are unnecessary for a sentence. Messed up spelling isn't too big of a deal and is easy to fix, but the unnecessary words oftentimes interrupted the flow of the sentence. I don't know how long ago you wrote this, but I think enough time has probably passed that you would be able to pick up on these kinds of things if you read over it again.
All in all, like I said, I enjoyed this book. I like this kind of take on vampire fiction: there's a lot of thought that has gone into it, and it's a breath of fresh air from the other installments in the genre. I would definitely recommend this: I might even recommend it to my mother, the person who got me into "The Last Vampire" and "The Vampire Chronicles." I hope that this review comes across as encouraging, and I hope that my criticisms are helpful rather than the opposite!