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I really liked it! I found the story easy to follow and yet the plot still remained tantalizingly aloof. Usually the beginning of a story is the hardest part to get right but the author executed it rather well...it had this fish biting!
Some of the writing was a bit rough, but I'm generally not that interested in grammar so much. Just so long as what you're trying to convey...moves me. Its a shame you give away the mysterious man it the intro!
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Interesting so far...
I found your story quite interesting and you had me reading until the end. I can't fault your writing style at all and I didn't even notice any errors in grammar or typos, which meant I was entirely engrossed in the tale you told. So well done!
If I have to nit-pick I'd say that you need to give the world your story takes place in a little more emphasis. You don't need much, just a few clues here and there would give your story a context I relate to or imagine as a reader.
Also the girl in the first half needs something about her I can like, instead of just feeling sorry for her. And that was blatant cheating what Kelly did to Allister!
Anyway, thank you. I rather enjoyed it, so keep up the good work! I'm sure your writing will only improve further with the wisdom of age...