Jan Suchomel

Necedah, Wisconsin

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Green Sunday part 2: Second Sunday

The story is witty and fast-paced, and the furries were funny.
However, by the end of the story it became somewhat predictable- introduce a character, splatter the character, repeat. I also could not suspend disbelief when the police chief murdered one of his officers in the police station in front of other officers who did nothing.
There were problems with spelling, punctuation, grammar, and capitalization. One thing in particular was the use of "it's" as a possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is" and the possessive form is "its" (exception to the general rule on possessives).
Overall I was pleasantly surprised by the success of combining the humor and horror genres in this story.

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Well written book One

Very well written, you have created a complex, internally consistent world.
There are a few little mechanical errors that can be fixed in editing. The book was long and I felt there was too much space devoted to the Pentad's training, and the training episodes all tended toward the same pattern- they were introduced to a new skill, and all five quickly mastered it each time with Hawk always being the best, quickest, etc. I did not like Hawk, he never seemed to have to try, he just always knew the right answer, always was so perfect I didn't feel his humanity or connect with him very well.
There was some nice foreshadowing, and a solid story arc leading to the next book. Overall, a very good story.

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Good start

Your grammar, punctuation, and capitalization are good, although there are still some typos that should be cleaned up. Your writing style is snappy and amusing.
I had a hard time believing a little girl who had been captured by a sphinx could just run up to it and kill it with her bare hands. In ch 2 Zachary produces papers to satisfy some soldiers but ch 3 nobody wakes him up to do the same so they are captured- that doesn't seem to make sense. In ch 2 they don't get apples because of the sphinx's, but then they are feeding apples to the baby. In ch 3, Alisa gets down off of a horse, but I thought they were in a cart. Also, it seems like the horse pulling the cart never gets fed, watered, or rested- they go all day and all night with no regard for the horse. In ch 4, if the men are holy monks, why do they say they are in logging and make lewd comments? In ch 5, the emperor shows up to save our heroes when his name is said, but there was no trigger in ch 4 for him to appear and vanquish the wolves. In ch 5 the bit with the glue and the baby doesn't seem to have any place in the story and is completely unbelievable. Mark has three companions, not four (Alisa is not with them), and Zachary is pretty much left out of the story- what is he doing through everything that happens?
Overall I think you have talent as a writer and have a good story started, but it does need to be tightened up a bit.

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The Kingdom of Archer Series Book I: Bloom

You have a very good plot, and overall you write good prose. I liked your incorporation of sound into the story, particularly the recurring theme of heartbeats. You have some good messages about strength and communication.
However, sometimes you use the wrong word such as bare (naked) for bear (carry) or your for you're. Your apostrophes are often incorrect. Plurals should not have an apostrophe (two Novas). Singular possessives should be 's (one Nova's paws), and plural possessive should be s' (two Novas' paws).
The biggest problem is punctuation. There are many perfectly good sentences that have been hacked up with periods and semicolons, making them very difficult to read and understand. I would recommend using commas to show pauses, and increased use of ellipses for hesitations in speech or when a sentence tails off or is interrupted.
You are a talented writer, you just need to improve your mechanics.

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Good story

I liked the plot, and the dialog was well-written.
In places it was difficult to understand because of the mechanics. While there were a number of different problems, two types of corrections would help a great deal. One is to insert missing quotation marks- it's not always immediately clear when someone is speaking versus the narration. The second is to manage the story jumps. In some cases adding a phrase such as "The following week", or "Ten days later" would assist the reader. In other cases, when switching from one group of characters to another in the middle of a chapter, the insertion of a story break symbol would make it easier to understand.
Overall, I would say the author is a skilled story teller, but needs to pay more attention to the details. I enjoyed the read!

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Good Beginning

I liked your plot and the intimation of potential consequences for Kaiden from the shadowy figure. Capitalization is erratic, and possessives should be 's except for its (it's is a contraction for "it is" not the possessive form). You have some perfectly good sentences that you've chopped into incomplete sentences with periods, mostly just need to replace periods with commas. You've got a couple of "huh?" places- Kaiden's short-sleeved jacket with sleeves down to his wrists, a black armoured figure in white armour. What happened to Angelina after Kaiden joins the night reapers? She seems to have disappeared. Also, try to put yourself in the place of your characters and make sure they act logically. If I was a guard, there is no way I would be armed with just a sword when there are guns and magical weapons, I would want at least a gun if not hand grenades and a flamethrower! I would not accept my fate and just stand around waiting to be killed, I'd run like crazy if I had no chance in a fight.
Overall, you have a good beginning, you just need to clean up your prose and carry on.

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Nobody's Boy

This story is fun, lots of action, very creative. I would like to see a little more description early on; because of the spelling, I thought Rikki was a girl at first. There are some errors in punctuation and grammar, and typos that can easily be fixed. I like that some of the backstory for the main characters' is starting to be revealed, hopefully there will be more of that as the story progresses, and perhaps some info on the society that produced the situation on the island. The section where the characters didn't know that meat has to be cooked was a little strange, most people are aware of that. I'm also not sure what the title refers to, perhaps that will be revealed as the story progresses.
Overall it just needs a little clean up to be very good indeed.

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Willow Lake

Good story. I liked the plot, and some of your descriptive phrases were very good. However, you need to improve the mechanics of writing. There should not be a comma between an adjective and the noun it modifies, or between a noun and verb. Sometimes you used the wrong word- stationary for stationery, or the wrong form of its vs. it's. Also there were some inaccuracies in procedures, for example with the real estate transaction. Writing real life means that sometimes you need to do a little research if you don't have life experience in that area.
While those types of things are distracting to the reader, they didn't really stop the flow of the story. You have talent. If possible, go through actual editing with a professional to smooth out the bumps.

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Lucifer's Last Laugh

This story is intelligent, imaginative and very well written. The author has an astonishing command of language- perhaps a little too astonishing occasionally, reading this might require having a dictionary at hand. I don't necessarily agree with some of the sentiments expressed, but the story is amusing although I found the tales within the story a bit long- I was anxious to get back to the main narrative. Over all, this is one of the best books I've read on an open writing site.

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After

Very imaginative and overall good use of language, but writing mechanics need improving- spelling, punctuation, use of the correct word. There were also plot inconsistencies- are Johnny's eyes gray or blue? I was left confused about the "rules" of After. Some people float and don't breathe, others walk and breathe, but there is no explanation for the differences. With a little editing this could be a five-star story.

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