Green Sunday part 2: Second Sunday
The story is witty and fast-paced, and the furries were funny.
However, by the end of the story it became somewhat predictable- introduce a character, splatter the character, repeat. I also could not suspend disbelief when the police chief murdered one of his officers in the police station in front of other officers who did nothing.
There were problems with spelling, punctuation, grammar, and capitalization. One thing in particular was the use of "it's" as a possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is" and the possessive form is "its" (exception to the general rule on possessives).
Overall I was pleasantly surprised by the success of combining the humor and horror genres in this story.
The Kingdom of Archer Series Book I: Bloom
You have a very good plot, and overall you write good prose. I liked your incorporation of sound into the story, particularly the recurring theme of heartbeats. You have some good messages about strength and communication.
However, sometimes you use the wrong word such as bare (naked) for bear (carry) or your for you're. Your apostrophes are often incorrect. Plurals should not have an apostrophe (two Novas). Singular possessives should be 's (one Nova's paws), and plural possessive should be s' (two Novas' paws).
The biggest problem is punctuation. There are many perfectly good sentences that have been hacked up with periods and semicolons, making them very difficult to read and understand. I would recommend using commas to show pauses, and increased use of ellipses for hesitations in speech or when a sentence tails off or is interrupted.
You are a talented writer, you just need to improve your mechanics.
This is a complicated story, very competently written, but I found it a bit confusing in places and occasionally inconsistent or illogical.
The only technical problems were present and past tense jumps, and point of view jumps (as in ch15/16 when the POV suddenly jumps to the ship).
I had difficulty in a few spots determining the difference between Sam the person and Sam the ship, particularly when Sam the ship takes over Sam the person. Sam the ship pronoun she becomes he, and I'm not sure who is acting.
I can't say I believed all of the premises. I didn't see any logical reason for a huge power expenditure for energy walls, since the facility will never be used for anything but a prison, so why is it worth so much power to make them moveable? From the point of view of someone approving/funding Facility Zero, why would anyone want the ability to dump off levels into the black hole? Seems to be a huge waste of funding. And why would there be no provision for communication with the outside? I realize being by a black hole creates special circumstances, but I can't see prisoners being sent to a place where they couldn't call for help if something happened, like a "Typhoid Mary" prisoner was sent to the station and they required special meds or vaccines, or someone stole supplies meant for the facility and they didn't have enough food.
There are little things scattered throughout that don't make sense. Prisoners are punished for not taking care of their health, but one guy has decaying teeth. Waste is recycled into compost and fertilizer, but there are no plants mentioned anywhere- what do they do with it? While there is a lot of futuristic tech, there is also retro stuff like trays in a cafeteria, old-fashioned laundry (power expenditure in recycling water- why not ultrasonics or something?), and brandy and cigars that just seem to clash with it being 300 years in the future.
I thought the Brookes were on the cryostation, but they were on Facility One. In one place someone gets an eight-to-nine inch deep cut- they were cut nearly in half and survived?
The double time line is well documented, but I was still surprised when there was suddenly Facility One up when Facility Zero didn't seem to be nearly full. It may be because of the outside time line, but as a reader I'm not going to sit around doing the math of how many prisoners arrive per day versus the total capacity. I was also surprised when in a late chapter it is suddenly introduced that Facility Zero is all male except for Jessica. I would think Sam would have noticed that within a day or two of arriving. I didn't see the point of chapter 16/17, or for that matter a lot of the angel background- maybe that's the basis for a future story? Some is pertinent to the ending, but I didn't think all the detail was necessary to this story specifically. I did like the combination of mythology and technology and the author did a great job blending the two.
A lot of this is nitpicking, but when I come across something illogical or unbelievable, it takes me out of the story. I try to give the author specifics since that's what helps me improve my writing. I hope this is useful, and sorry it took so long.
Interesting plot so far
I like the way the author develops Henry from a helpless child to what he becomes (I don't want to spoil the surprise). It's a little scary how well he writes madness. Dialect is written consistently.
But the writing errors significantly interrupt the narrative, in a few cases making it unintelligible. Verb tenses wander between present and past, sometimes within the same sentence (this seems to be worst in the first chapter and then improves). Quite often the author uses a word that sounds like the one that is correct- soles instead of souls, puss instead of pus, trans for trance. "It's" is used both for the contraction of "it is" (correct) and for the possessive of "it" (incorrect- the possessive is "its", an exception to the rule). I would also recommend the use of the ellipse (three dots) to show hesitation in speech or an incomplete thought
The writer is obviously talented, but at the moment mechanical errors are interfering with his ability to communicate clearly with the reader.
It's a little difficult to rate plot based on only one chapter, but you have an interesting premise. Apparently we can blame all our problems on Raft now, although it appears that whatever he is trying to do, to be successful he should attempt the opposite. The writing is clear and the dialog is snappy, so good job so far.Read the story now
Bringing Down the Hawk
This book starts with a locked-door mystery, and then proceeds to explain the life of the protagonist and also his father during WWII and after. It's very well written, although I found the digression from the initial mystery rather long. Nevertheless, I can certainly recommend itRead the story now
Fun story, upcoming movie?
In my opinion, this is more horror/comedy than thriller/romance (there's lust and sex, but I don't see any romance). While there are problems with commas, verb tenses, and really long paragraphs, those things can all be fixed by a good editor.
What I feel is missing through most of the book is the protagonist, Rufus. I wanted to know more about him- how his opinions and intelligence evolve. Why did he befriend Tim instead of regurgitating and fleeing or attacking? Does he drive the other creatures to do his bidding or are they willing accomplices, even to the point of giving their lives to get revenge? Does he ride in a car to overcome a fear or does he just want to go faster than a mamba? Is he holding reptile rallies back in the swamp? How does he know what is going on in the human world, and what exactly are his abilities?
When I read this book, I really saw it as a movie. To me, the extensive background material on minor "bad guy" characters needs to be cut down to just the essentials so we understand their fates (a painful thing to do, I know), and Rufus needs to be the central thread that pulls the book together. The ending should show how his actions positively impact the environmental animal-smuggling theme, or his reaction to the fact that everything he's done hasn't stopped the exotic animal trade.
With some rewriting, I do think Hollywood would go for it; Hollywood folks tend toward environmental causes and "Sharkanado" type movies. This could be a summer blockbuster!
I loved the complexity of the characters and their relationships. and the whole concept of the unusual vampire and her ghostly roommate. The writing is excellent, very professional.
There are a number of typo type errors, a few more serious, but none of them disrupt the flow of the narrative and should be easy to fix in editing.
I enjoyed the plot, good relationship building and plenty of action. I do feel it stopped a little abruptly and left a lot of questions unanswered, but perhaps we'll be treated to a continuation later.
Overall this is one of the most enjoyable reads I've yet to encounter on Inkitt.
Well written book One
Very well written, you have created a complex, internally consistent world.
There are a few little mechanical errors that can be fixed in editing. The book was long and I felt there was too much space devoted to the Pentad's training, and the training episodes all tended toward the same pattern- they were introduced to a new skill, and all five quickly mastered it each time with Hawk always being the best, quickest, etc. I did not like Hawk, he never seemed to have to try, he just always knew the right answer, always was so perfect I didn't feel his humanity or connect with him very well.
There was some nice foreshadowing, and a solid story arc leading to the next book. Overall, a very good story.
I hope this is just book one, because the author has created an interesting political/economic situation with no easy answer and I'd like to see it resolved somehow.
The writing is overall excellent, but there are some mechanical errors, most notably chapter 15 is in twice and chapter 16 seems to be missing. In the early chapters the word "bit" is used too frequently, sometimes more than once in the same sentence or same paragraph and could in many cases be eliminated- "They were younger" versus "They were a bit younger". There are also quite a few unnecessary squiggly line story breaks- that symbol should only be used to indicate a shift of character focus or time break within a chapter, but I found it in the middle of conversations. The later chapters have more typo errors than the earlier chapters and a correction run through would likely fix most of that.
What impressed my most was the author's feel for the characters' emotions and interpersonal relationships. The action sequences were also well written, and the story kept me interested throughout.
I liked the "Alice in Wonderland" with multiple worlds theme. There seems to be no limit to your imagination.
Sometimes the phrasing was awkward and some words were used incorrectly, such as being chased by a "luring bear", the creature "lingered forward" or Randolph "dawned a firm stance." On the other hand, the author has mastered the mechanics of writing with just some typos and small things that can be corrected in editing.
While overall I enjoyed the plot, there were some things that didn't seem to track. When the girls get the key from their vegetative grandfather and open the wine cellar, the lanterns are lit and in the hall the chandelier is lit. Yet they never wonder who could have lit them recently (the lanterns would run out of oil, the candles would burn down) when they have the only key. The Vacuus senses vibration but doesn't seem to sense sound which is vibration in the air, and can find people who aren't moving even though it has no other senses. There are a lot of little things sprinkled throughout that seem unlikely without any explanation, like running footsteps that are from an old man with a cane, ships that no one steers at night but don't run into anything, Randolph has a poison dart but doesn't use it to defend himself, and the like.
I feel the author has a lot of talent as a writer, but needs to tighten up her story line and improve her word usage.
I liked the plot, and the dialog was well-written.
In places it was difficult to understand because of the mechanics. While there were a number of different problems, two types of corrections would help a great deal. One is to insert missing quotation marks- it's not always immediately clear when someone is speaking versus the narration. The second is to manage the story jumps. In some cases adding a phrase such as "The following week", or "Ten days later" would assist the reader. In other cases, when switching from one group of characters to another in the middle of a chapter, the insertion of a story break symbol would make it easier to understand.
Overall, I would say the author is a skilled story teller, but needs to pay more attention to the details. I enjoyed the read!
I liked your plot and the intimation of potential consequences for Kaiden from the shadowy figure. Capitalization is erratic, and possessives should be 's except for its (it's is a contraction for "it is" not the possessive form). You have some perfectly good sentences that you've chopped into incomplete sentences with periods, mostly just need to replace periods with commas. You've got a couple of "huh?" places- Kaiden's short-sleeved jacket with sleeves down to his wrists, a black armoured figure in white armour. What happened to Angelina after Kaiden joins the night reapers? She seems to have disappeared. Also, try to put yourself in the place of your characters and make sure they act logically. If I was a guard, there is no way I would be armed with just a sword when there are guns and magical weapons, I would want at least a gun if not hand grenades and a flamethrower! I would not accept my fate and just stand around waiting to be killed, I'd run like crazy if I had no chance in a fight.
Overall, you have a good beginning, you just need to clean up your prose and carry on.
This story is fun, lots of action, very creative. I would like to see a little more description early on; because of the spelling, I thought Rikki was a girl at first. There are some errors in punctuation and grammar, and typos that can easily be fixed. I like that some of the backstory for the main characters' is starting to be revealed, hopefully there will be more of that as the story progresses, and perhaps some info on the society that produced the situation on the island. The section where the characters didn't know that meat has to be cooked was a little strange, most people are aware of that. I'm also not sure what the title refers to, perhaps that will be revealed as the story progresses.
Overall it just needs a little clean up to be very good indeed.
Good story. I liked the plot, and some of your descriptive phrases were very good. However, you need to improve the mechanics of writing. There should not be a comma between an adjective and the noun it modifies, or between a noun and verb. Sometimes you used the wrong word- stationary for stationery, or the wrong form of its vs. it's. Also there were some inaccuracies in procedures, for example with the real estate transaction. Writing real life means that sometimes you need to do a little research if you don't have life experience in that area.
While those types of things are distracting to the reader, they didn't really stop the flow of the story. You have talent. If possible, go through actual editing with a professional to smooth out the bumps.
Lucifer's Last Laugh
This story is intelligent, imaginative and very well written. The author has an astonishing command of language- perhaps a little too astonishing occasionally, reading this might require having a dictionary at hand. I don't necessarily agree with some of the sentiments expressed, but the story is amusing although I found the tales within the story a bit long- I was anxious to get back to the main narrative. Over all, this is one of the best books I've read on an open writing site.Read the story now
Very imaginative and overall good use of language, but writing mechanics need improving- spelling, punctuation, use of the correct word. There were also plot inconsistencies- are Johnny's eyes gray or blue? I was left confused about the "rules" of After. Some people float and don't breathe, others walk and breathe, but there is no explanation for the differences. With a little editing this could be a five-star story.Read the story now
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