Awesome for Begginers
Considering it's your first story it has excellent ideas to work on, the realizations of those ideas could have a bit more work. I don't know if plan the story you are writing by, but I would advise you to make a plan for the story and then work on the details.
Read the story now
Writing English for the first time isn't easy (I'm in the same situation) but I find useful apps like Grammarly, which helps correct the errors. You can also find some apps that will help with the planning of the story such as Writer Tools and others that I can help you with.
I loved the characters they were thought carefully, but I think somethings could be left in suspense and should be developed along with the story and don't be rushed out.
I hope this helps you and I am eager to see you evolve and become a hell of a writer! Keep the good work going! I'm here to read more about Dark and Ray!