jonwrivera

Chesapeake

So many possibilities, so little time to explore them all. Be nice to people and adventure on!

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Funny as hell

I love where this is going. The internal dialogue style of writing is great - I love how the characters express themselves like actual annoyed people talk. I also enjoy the setting and the irreverent descriptions of events and mythical creatures. There were a few typos here and there and I jotted down some of the more obvious ones I noticed:

- "I saw most of it, and whoever records the event did if I was away, asleep, or sick." Needs rewriting.

- "Stormweather's a pretty small school, but I'm not alone in the regard of my parents dropping me off at the end of mandatory breaks and not picking me up until another one rolls around." I think I know what you are trying to see, but it could probably by worded better. I think you were trying to say that the school population is small, and that the character "lives" at the school through the school year excluding school breaks. I think those two thoughts would work better independently of each other, but that's just my thought.

- In the Forward you mention that Alex had lived at the school for almost 10 years. In chapter 1 you mention that she's lived next to the Roanoke Split for eleven years. Am I correct to assume that both the school and where Alex lives with her parents is right next to the split? Or is Ambrose the person talking and not Alex? Based on "My First Day - Angel," I think it might be Ambrose. Little confused.

I saw some tense issues with some of the sentences switching between past and present, but I don't want to nitpick or focus on the technical side. Story-wise, this story was great and was a ton of fun. I can't wait for the next parts!!!

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Good Start

This is a good start to what I expect will be a longer story. It is interesting seeing several fair tales woven together, but still being "in period."

There were some technical issues in terms of typos, sentence structure, etc, but all that can be hammered out in time. For now, the story is good and I look forward to reading more of it.

Good work!

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Exciting :)

Overall, it is an exciting read. I agree with another review that mentioned the dialogue needing a bit of work. There are also strange jumps from past to present tense that need to be sorted out. But despite some technical aspects that need to be fine-tuned, I enjoyed the first three chapters and look forward to the rest.

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Strong start.

I'm a big fan of lore building, and there is a lot here to like. Overall the story was great and the pacing was good - since this is more history than plot, it was nice to see it moving steadily along from one point to the next. I like the idea of how the world works, even if I don't 100% understand it exactly; but that in itself is fun because something things should be left unexplained.

On the technical side, I'm no expert on the use of diacritical marks, so I can't really comment on their presence in some of the words. I am curious if you use them mainly for aesthetics or because you have a language worked out where their use is mandated?

The only sentence that stood out to me as missing something was this one - I think technically it works, but the later half just feels off. Could just be me.
"It could be considered that Erâth represents the Universe, but in many ways is very much finite."

Where were similar sentences that seemed to have an off flow. But other than a little tightening, everything was great and I really enjoyed it!

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Poor Princes!

I’ve written this to be as constructive as possible. I like what you have overall, but there is work to be done.

First Impressions:
Starts out reading like history. Not necessarily a bad thing, but this can be hard to make engaging to those not otherwise interested in reading history.

Some technical issues I found (not an exhaustive list, just the first ones that stuck out to me):

- First sentence feels better without "very"
- The sentence that starts with "Territory held" is really long, verging on Tolkien length.
- “Nor” should generally not be used without “neither” and should never be used with “either.”
"[...] no ill will, supernatural nor of mortal hand, [...]"
Should be restructured to:
"[...] no ill will, neither of supernatural nor mortal hands, [...]"
- There are issues with tense shifting, additional punctuation problems, and words being used that I’ve never even heard of before. More on that in a bit.

Thoughts on Plot:
Everything made sense until the King decided to have his twins fight to the death. I understand that he wants a strong and capable successor to take his place since clearly there are enemies at the gate. But ordering his twin sons to fight to the death leaves open the possibility of both dying from injuries, one surviving but being horribly maimed, and/or one surviving and being psychologically unhinged because he just killed his own brother. None of those situations leaves his kingdom in a survivable state. If the order to duel was given out of madness, and that madness was explored a little deeper, that would make more sense. If I missed anything, plot-wise, I apologize. It was difficult to read at times because of the words being used.

Final thoughts:
I’m curious where the story is going, but it was hard to get to the end of what’s already here. My advice is something I read a long time ago. Never say in 15 words what you can say in 4, and don't use a 5 syllable word when a 1 syllable word will do. It’s something I still struggle with, but I try very hard to keep it in mind as I write. Yes, there are plenty of legitimate situations that call for extended sentences. But more often than not, we tend to put in more words than are necessary to get the point across, either to fit a certain style or to make something sound more impressive. Another major don’t – try not to use words that have your audience running to the dictionary. They might do it once or twice, but any more than that and you’ve lost them. They are out of the illusion and may not come back.

Like I said at the start, I like what you have overall, but there is work to be done. I hope you find this helpful and not discouraging. Keep going!

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Bullies suck

Good story. The class/caste system seems interesting and I look forward to seeing where it goes. It did seem odd that a rich girl who was already the subject of bullying was going out on her own...willingly...and without protection. Other than that, the plot was intriguing.

On the technical side, I found a few things to tighten up:

"The girl had the subject [...]" Missing "been"

"The girl found the quiet, solitude relaxing." Doesn't need the comma, unless you meant to use "quiet" as a noun and not as an adjective of "solitude." If it was supposed to be a noun, I might suggest restructuring the sentence.

"They were hired as maid, and gardeners, and [...]" I think "maid" should be "maids." Also, the and before "gardeners" doesn't need to be there.

The semicolons around "a Shifter" should just be commas.

The dialogue in last remaining paragraphs should be extracted and placed on their own lines.

If you're like me, you were just getting the story and plot out of your head to worry about the technical stuff later. Sometimes it just helps to get an idea out of the head and into the world!

Shifters has a good start now - keep it going!

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An interesting start

I am curious to see where this is going. The princess seems gullible and naive, so it could be entertaining to see her more out of her element. I'm sure she is in for something life-altering. That being said, she does seem a little superficial and hard to relate to. Maybe there could be a little more exploration of her beyond the complaining, like what we saw in Chapter 2 with the fairy tales and Gummy.

On the technical side, I'm not the biggest fan of first-person perspective. The tense fluctuates between present and past throughout the story and punctuation is missing at times. I found two typos towards the beginning of Chapter 1, but there could be more further in.

- "[...] where everything is beautiful is charming." "is charming" should be "and charming" I think.
- "Wearing dress [...]" missing the "a"

I hope you find this helpful. I think its a good start and could grow into something great!

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Creepy as hell (in a good way)!

WELL DONE! I was reading this at work, squirming at my desk towards the end. The plot and pacing were just right and your descriptions were perfect. I could picture it all in my head, as if I were watching it on TV.

A few technical things here and there. The combination of dialect spelling and first-person perspective was a little jarring at first, but I adjusted to it by the end as you seemed to become more comfortable with it. There were also two typos that I noticed:
- The sentence that starts "I consulted the clipboard again as I asked Miss [...]" has a typo at the end ("pack porch" instead of "back porch").
- "I writhed, but the shot of whatever I'd been given me fought [...]" - remove the "me."

Overall this was great. Good luck in the contest!

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A fun intro into an interesting world

I enjoyed what I read very much. There is an ambiguity to the characters that begs to be explored. I'm less enamored by the use of first person, but that's more a personal preference than a knock against the story. There were a few typos here and there and the prose was slightly off at times, but overall it was great and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

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I like where this is going

Fun beginning to what seems like it will be a cool adventure story. I like that its a take on a classic, and I like that the main character was an insectoid creature. The prose does need some tightening. Punctuation was a little spotty at times and there was area where you used the word "around" five times in three sentences.

Other than that, the story itself was a good ride and I look forward to reading more of their piratical adventures.

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Want more

This is a good start, and it certainly left me wanting to know more about the characters and the world. I only have 2 comments really.
1 - You might want to consider renaming the character "Jedi" - that word is fairly loaded, given that its such a huge part of Star Wars. Seeing that word immediately pulled me out of the story, and I had to block it out.
2 - It would be really interesting if there was more of a cost to using the Sight. Obviously she gets weakened and exhausted, but a different angle might include something more real, like Marked people's lives being shortened by every minute their illusions remain visible, or their actual vision regards as they corrupt the vision of others.

Just some ideas. Other than that, great work!

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Great Chase!

Man, that was a fun read, albeit tense. Good pacing, good plot - you did a great job of keeping the tension going throughout the run. On the technical side, I found a typo in the sentence "I used to think that was all bullshit" - you put "use" instead of "used." There might have been others, but I can't recall them because the story kept me pretty well engaged.

Good luck in the contest! If you have the time, I'd love for you to read my entry: http://www.inkitt.com/stories/19062.

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Great message about the love of reading!

I love the message of this story. Books are an amazing gift and should be cherished. And enjoying them with others is even better! There were some grammatical issues, especially with tense, and some typos here and there. Also, it might be a good idea to briefly shed light on why the royal family would be so concerned with a library. Kings and Queens and even Princes probably have more important affairs to attend to versus wondering why books aren't getting put away in the library down the hall. Maybe there are sacred books in there, or hidden books that might be dangerous in the hands of bad folks. Just a thought.

Overall a great read!

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Cracked me up...

This was funny. As much as I tried to remain objective while reading it, I couldn't help but get suckered in by the charm of it. The names were priceless, and like another reviewer, I appreciated the lack of details at the end. I'd be fun to see the author's take on a successful, ball buster of a woman who can bend men in the palms of her hands.

Best of luck!

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