Josh Byrne

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Looking forward to book two

First off, I really like the premise. The whole demon dusted concept is really interesting and unique. The use of demons can be cliche but the fact that the representation of the demon side as more of an animal than just plain evil was a really good twist. This is purely my opinion, but I think that Dean's abilities could be restricted a little bit, possibly by the demon side being a particular demon species with a related set of abilities. I get that he should be able to protect Myth and his power is definitely the main thing that keeps them all alive but adding limitations to characters makes them interesting and gets the abilities of others to shine. it can also give you the opportunity to show off the powers of other characters rather than just telling us.

The story itself had some really good twists and turns, really interested to know where the whole body tattoo thing comes from. When everyone is at the house towards the end of the book you get a real feel for the camaraderie between the four main characters and the teens in the basement with a diverse range of backgrounds and personalities. I would say, for me, the biggest thing was that you compromised a lot of essential character and plot development for the sake of keeping a fast pace. Most of the time I felt like many of the events and characters fell into a trap of 'just because' motivation. I get that many of the characters fate's are connected to the prophecy and it should definitely make up the majority of why they're doing what they're doing. But I feel like it would be easier to connect with the characters if there was the odd side agenda against faeries or some other personal stake that adds a little bit more depth to who they are.
The characters movements and actions are made really clear which makes the actions easy to follow and adds to the tension when the battle scenes are unfolding. The only thing I would say is that even though Maybelle's clairvoyance is a good choice of theme you tend to over use it. For me the story lost some of it's impact when you already know specifically whats coming. It might be better to have her readings be a little more vague or even wrong in places to add to the drama, clairvoyance in real life isn't an exact science so there is a lot of opportunity to add some conflict which could add more impact to the plot and have me on the edge of my seat as the battle unfolds.
The main characters point of view comes through really well. Your description and writing style from the first person is really good, it's something that is not easy to do, I applaud your skill. However, you have a tendency to put a lot of the information you are trying to convey in one block of dialogue at once. This makes the speaking character's voice feel a bit mechanical. people normally talk in short choppy sentences, giving information the way they visualise it. So long paragraphs of dialogue where it reads like the character is talking from a textbook can detract from the tension in a scene.
Overall, this was a good read and I can't wait to get into the second book of the series. I wish you luck with the editing :)

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Interesting!

I don't know if it's too early to be leaving a review after the first chapter but i'm going to leave one anyway :L
I really like Rowan's voice as a character. It's very distinctive and has kept me wanting to know whats coming next. Your blurb is fantastic by the way.
At such an early stage its hard to review things like plot. the only thing I would say is that for a first chapter there is a lot of description being thrown at the reader. it might be a good idea to have Rowan's internal monologue happening while he's encountering the people in the town. I already found it interesting reading about Rowan's life but readers may want you to take them there, to experience it rather than hear about it. like being in the barley fields or see the reactions of the people to his parents professions. I can see there is a lot of imagination that is being invested in this world and you want to share that, but sometimes its best to drip in the description pertaining to the actions taking place. The story can get a bit bogged down if there is too much explanation and not enough action.
Overall a fascinating concept and I will be tuning in every Thursday to see what happens next! Good luck!

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Love the originality

There are really good, original idea's in this story. I love the name 'Mortis Auxilium' even reading it in my head it just rolls off the tongue. There are a few grammar mistakes and i think the characters could possibly do with a bit more development for me. But i came here because of NaNoWriMo so at such an early stage this is expected. Once you get to subsequent drafts filling out will just come naturally, I can see with your style that this will come naturally. I think the explanation of the Mortis Auxilium could be earlier but it is explained really well when it does come. I know you asked for advice on grammar and there were a few mistakes, some comma's were in places where they didn't need to be, but for a first draft you don't have to worry with what you're doing.
Overall I enjoyed this story and I am really interested to see what happens next. I will definitely carry on reading!

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Very interesting

I really enjoyed reading this story. I thought the premise was very good and, although there is only one chapter, I was able to get a good feel for the characters introduced, Since this story is in its early stages it is probably a bit unfair to mention this, but the description does stumble in some places, one is example is the way you portrayed the main characters vision with Lily. The way the pronouns are used at once made it a bit difficult to read. Like i said this is mostly pedantic to mention so early on in development but this has a lot of potential and I really look forward to the next chapters!

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