joshed7

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A Fine start

Well to begin I'd like to just point out, on the summary of this review you misspelled "begin".

Clearly you're trying to invoke a very dramatic voice, but it goes on for so long that it loses it's luster very quickly. We never get to see the characters do anything but be badass, which doesn't set us up for a very dynamic and interesting cast. We still don't know anything about the characters, their motivations, what the story is about, or really much of anything at all. The most I learned was that there are giant scorpions, The one man who killed a scorpion apparently walks around regretting sins (I Don't think I've ever heard someone walk around in penance, very weird phrasing), one woman is a witch, and that there are a brother and sister. I don't even know what any of these characters look like, their accents, their opinions, or anything. That said, I understand that this is supposed to be an intro and is designed to make the story feel very epic and build the world up to be vast and ready for exploration. But again, the brief description of each area of the world is not only very stock but very uninspired. The eastern desert, the northern tundra, the central city, etc. these are all very common tropes. Not saying that one should stray away from these tropes as a rule, for example The Elder Scrolls series does a very good job of having an interesting and dynamic world despite following these tropes almost to a tea. I worry however that you will not develop this world as fully as it might deserve to be, so make sure you have a good idea of the world before you go further. Other complaints, the tense. It's all in present tense, which just bugged me, it doesn't really make sense and it makes some things sound very awkward. You also seem to have a very difficult time naming your characters and some of the time that focus on mystery can get confusing (the man in the cloak, the man does this, the hooded figure). That is a writing trap that I myself have fallen into many times myself. Make sure to keep this in mind, as it can be hard as a reader to stay interested when every time you read a sentence you have to translate who this character is. That doesn't mean don't do it, just try not to overdo it. Another technical issue I had was with the sequence with the siblings. There is one point where you use collapses twice in rapid succession, which is just really poor form. Finally, I know you want to keep your words interesting but really, stay away from the thesaurus sometimes. Adding extra words that are more complicated and less commonplace makes your writing sound mildly pretentious at times and needlessly adds complication just for the sake of trying to sound more interesting. Again, don't shy away from new or lesser known words, but moderation is key.

Remember, Keep writing!

-Josh

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