KenWrites

Regina, Canada

Kenechukwu Obi is a Canadian writer. He writes novels, plays, poetry and song lyrics.

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Intriguing beginning that speaks of a great story to come

I am delighted to see that you have a way with words. I enjoyed the way you weaved words around. You left me already believing this is going to be a very good story when you finish it. I can see Clara is holding on to love, even in the midst of disappointment and fading hope. You started with a gory opening, which i thought was interested, and it drew me in. However, Ma, you might want to take note of these few things i noticed.

1. It was kind of confusing for me to know who is who, as i read through the story's beginning. You might want to make it clear to the reader from the beginning, who those people speaking clearly are.
2. I found it hard to know if the person telling the story is a male or female. You might want to clarify this as well.
3. Is this about two gay lovers? If so, make it clear.
4. Try to be consistent in the tenses you use. If you want to tell the story using past tense, then be consistent. If you want to tell it in present tense, then be consistent. Mixing up both tenses works against clarity. You want your readers to be clear of what they are reading about to some extent, right from the start. And when you get comfortable doing that, then you can go on to experiment new ways to create suspense in your readers, right from the start, by giving away very little or even nothing. That comes with practice. I would suggest you keep it simple and straight forward in your early stories.

I think your concept has the potential to deliver an interesting story when you're done. Please try to keep the above suggestions in mind as you rework this chapter. By the way, i love the descriptive skill you have shown. I see you have strength in that area. Keep writing!

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A moving tale full of energy!

I love how you began this story. It made me go on to read more. Your characters are distinctly contrasting in interesting ways, i think. Your story got me thinking of the Lord Of The Rings, while i was reading it. The writing flows and i think your ability to describe things is one of the biggest merits you bring to this story. I enjoyed reading it. Any plans to get this into a movie when you're done? I think this story line will make good TV as well.

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Interesting!

Interesting chapter. It makes you want to know what will come next. The egg thing in the story is fascinating, i think. Keep writing.

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Interesting twists!

I enjoyed the twists and turns in the story. I was never expecting to have the protagonist pushed into the river. Wow! You are quite poetic in the way you write, and i like that you are able to bring that style into the story of a troubled little girl, with delightful ease. This story can use some light editing in few places. Lovely beginning to what i think will be an interesting story. Keep writing!

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Interesting story!

I believe you know how to tell an intriguing story. This is another good one. Please i suggest you try to get some editing help. That will help with fixing the wrong capitalization issues in the story. Editing will help to put the commas in the right places, the full stops in the right places, as well as take care of some grammatical issues in the story. You know how to tell an interesting story. Keep writing!

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Intriguing!

I enjoyed reading this story. I found it intriguing from the start. The more i read the more interesting it became. Good editing can take care of the capitalization errors, lack of full stops and some grammatical errors i noticed. In all, i enjoyed reading your story. Keep writing!

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Interesting Concept

The way you started your story is excellent, but i could not connect with the plot as i read on. The writing stopped flowing like i prefer it to. You have a good descriptive ability though. All the best.

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Excellent story idea!

You have a very good story idea here. Love, drug addiction, addiction in form of love, and then human struggles. Be sure to select the tense you want to write in and stick to it . Know where to put commas and full stops so your readers don't get thrown off. I think you have a good story to tell here. though it needs more work at this stage. Good job!!

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Interesting and touching!

This is a touching story of a suffering and homeless young woman battling against all odds to survive and thrive. Interesting opening paragraph, though this could be better written in an active form rather than in a passive form. You have a good way of describing things i like. I enjoyed that the story slips in and out of flashbacks, a skill i can see you are good at. I enjoyed reading about Hafsah and her ordeal. And the story can benefit from light editing that will take care of some word omissions and few spelling errors. Good story!

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Suspenseful and action packed!

I love the intriguing opening of this story. I also love the action through which the entire story takes off like a cannon. Your writing style reminds me of mine in some places. I could feel and enjoy the interesting energy you bring thorough the narrative. You also have the sort of descriptive ability i admire. I have enjoyed reading it so far and i am sure the chapters to come have the potential to be more interesting than the ones i have read so far. You have an action packed and thrilling story here.

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Interesting Concept!!

Hello Iesha. This is a nice story. I like the concept you are trying to establish. Mr. Lu with psychiatric issues and how he is a big danger to his patients. You have started this story and i congratulate you on this. Don't give up on this story. You can turn it into an amazing story. You might want to however, consider these few points i noted while reading your chapter. They will help make your entire story much better when you're done.
1. You omitted words in some places - General editing can take care of this though
2. Look out for places in the story that need commas, apostrophes and full stops
3. Your dialogues or monologues have to be in quotes, eg "I am not responsible," said Mr. Lu
4. Try to be consistent in the tenses you use to tell your story. If you want to tell the story in the present tense, then be consistent, and if you have chosen to tell it in the past tense then be consistent. Don't mix up both tenses.
You have a good story idea, but you need to go back and fix some of these things i have mentioned. Knowing how to do them will increase your writing ability. Keep writing, Iesha. Lovely story idea!

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