K.V. Paul

North Carolina

Hiding in the mountains, living off ghost stories and bagels

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"Bastard trolls..."

I know you mentioned thinking of making this into the introductory chapter of a longer story... What you have so far definitely intrigues me! My favorite bit is the twist about poor Bergen giving the creature the inspiration for its identity. What would interest me the most in the rest of the story is the relationship between the Ordruir and Bergen.

I only docked you technical stars because in the paragraph when the comet fell, you mistyped Bergen's name "Bergin"... and I believe there were some unnecessary commas strewn about, but nothing at all major.

Only plot/setting things missing (just opinion, of course!) might be a little more explanation of what sort of setting or world this takes place in, unless your purpose was to keep this ambiguous. Also possible I could've missed it. Definitely got a medieval, Skyrim-ish feel. Is that right.?

Hope I was helpful. Nicely written. Don't be a stranger-

-S.A.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Alexxxx

Holy hell, that took a turn I did not expect, The writing style here is incredible - easily my favorite part of this story. Short sentences used extremely well to build up tension. Descriptions are unique and vivid. The descriptions of running also made me feel like I was actually the one running, breathing in, breathing out, feeling the burn... Very, very well done.

That said, some of the running descriptions near the middle of the story felt a little drawn out, and maybe took away from the tension built up in the beginning.

Docked grammar points for confusion of laying/lying ("I always felt as if I were laying on an island...") and its/it's ("...wake up, sweetheart. Its time to go outside..."). Everything else looked great. Plot would be a solid 5/5 except I didn't understand why the cottage or "Mother" were in there...but the ambiguity did add to some of the creepiness.

I loved the dual meaning of the title. The creature's dialogue was flawlessly frightening, and my other favorite feature of this. Loved, LOVED the eerie rhymes. Actually, the "animal" was just horrifying in general. And again, the amazing writing style is what kept me locked in to the end. Altogether very nice!

If you have a chance, I would love a review on a short horror story of mine, also a "creature" piece: http://www.inkitt.com/stories/19224

PLEASE keep writing! You have talent!

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