mattthomasauthor

Pennsylvania, USA

Author of "Cold Civil War," available on Amazon Kindle reader. Excerpts now available! Avid traveler, music and sports lover. Friends and family are everything.

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A good first draft

The concept here is good. The author establishes a very jaded and cynical main character, and one strength here is that the author is able to reveal a lot of the pain and anguish she feels. Establishing the dynamics between Lola and Adrian makes for some potential, as well.

From other reviewers, we understand English isn't your first language, so some grammatical errors can be excused, but be very careful: if these aren't corrected, and the rest of your story appears like piecemealed quotations, sentences, and dialogue, it's going to turn a lot of readers off. Try prowritingaid.com. Hopefully it will help you along.

Overall, a good start, and for romance buffs it will be worth the read. Keep working hard and you'll do great.

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A fun fantasy read!

Definitely had fun reading this one! You set a foundation for a page-turning story, and I especially enjoyed the introduction of the main characters and their dialogue. That said, I would definitely work a little more on character development and try not to focus TOO much on dialogue, but overall a great job! Happy writing!

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Outstanding Start!

You make no secret of the Matrix influence here! Absolutely entranced by the first couple of chapters; this definitely will be a page-turner no doubt! Love how you established the mood and how you made the characters so relatable, and I especially was intrigued by how you clued the reader into Lexi's mind.

A few suggestions going forward; I would try to condense the chapters a little bit, and it would definitely benefit from an edit; I noticed a lot of grammatical mistakes such as missing periods, commas, etc. Try prowritingaid.com; it's been a very valuable tool for me as I've composed my work.

Aside from that, I would highly, highly recommend this book to scifi or adventure fans! Keep up the good work!

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Good Start to a Relatable Story

The premise of this story is something that anyone that has experienced high school has felt at one point or another. You do a really good job bringing the emotions of the main characters to life, and you make the reader feel attached to Chantel, Will, and Tristan.

While the narrative is intriguing, you definitely would benefit from a few edits. I noticed quite a few grammatical mistakes, including commas where they shouldn't be, and also some jumbled descriptions. It would also be a benefit to a reader's experience if you condensed some of the chapters a little, For me, it kind of took away from the pacing. I recommend prowritingaid.com; it's a very valuable tool to help you along.

Aside from that, you show a lot of potential, and fans of romance and teen dramas will thoroughly enjoy it. Good job and happy writing!

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Very Intriguing Dynamic

A little bit of Breaking Bad meets 24 or any counter-terrorist or police procedural show. Good job creating mood and slowly building the tension, but as I read so far it's a little difficult to tell if the story is teetering more towards an action thriller or a dark comedy. Some of the cliches like "one does not simply talk on the phone" or "Jesus Wept" seem a little redundant, and I'd definitely condense some of the descriptions, but so far it is a very entertaining piece and worth the read. Aside from condensing, the descriptions and establishment of mood are excellent, and the father's character is especially captivating. Cannot wait to see where the story goes from here. Fantastic job so far!

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A very intriguing beginning

Very well-written first chapter, setting up a very intriguing remainder of the story. The author's descriptions are top-notch, and he does a masterful job establishing mood and humanizing the characters. I would have touched a little more upon Kirk's backstory and what led him to the moment in which he met Asenath, but overall a very good beginning. Excited to continue reading.

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An Outstanding Start

A very relevant story for our times. The emotion captured about the tension of an interracial relationship in a very racist time truly tugs at a reader's heart, and sets up the rest of the story very well. Going forward, I would definitely focus a little more on letting the reader "see" more of the scenes rather than jumping straight into the dialogue, and you also have a golden opportunity to expand further upon the emotions the characters feel. Other than that, this is a book well worth reading, and I look forward to future chapters! Keep up the good work!

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Good Foundation

Definitely a good prospect for young adult/teen vampire fiction. Alice is a relatable character, and you do a fine job clueing the reader into her emotions, and the reader can feel the changes in personality and power with her character as the story progresses. So you certainly have a solid foundation for a fantastic story.

This all said, you really could stand to benefit from a full edit, especially when it comes to grammar. For example, you repeat at the beginning of Chapter 5 that Alice is a vampire, when it was already established in the previous chapter. I suggest https://prowritingaid.com. You can establish a free account there, and it should help you along. The one thing that was kind of a "turn off" for me was the chapter lengths. You tend to utilize too many "parts" in each chapter, and it takes away from the readability. Try to break up the chapters and condense them a little more for clarity, conciseness, and a much smoother reading experience. I would also suggest making a decision about settling on third or first person, because that also could take away from reader interest and confuse them.

Overall, though, a very good prospect, which with time and effort, could be turned into a publishable story. Keep at it and you'll do great!

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Fantastically written and bone chilling!

Outstanding start to a fantastic story! Very well written, the descriptions expressing Elizabeth's terror truly tingle your spine, and that is the mark of a meticulous attention to detail coupled with spellbinding storytelling. Only thing I didn't like was the overuse of cliches in the first couple of paragraphs on the first chapter, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's a book worth following. Keep up the good work!

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Intriguing Premise

Very interesting start to what appears to be a very cinematic story. Liked how the author dives into the mindset of the main character and makes her seem three-dimensional. Grammar definitely needs work; the spelling mistakes may turn off a lot of readers so be careful. It almost makes it seem like the story feel rushed. With some time and effort it will strengthen an overall intriguing start. Keep working at it and you'll do great!

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