The imagery in this prose poem is glorious. I love the way you manipulate words. You seem to have harnessed them to bend to your every whim. The slightly archaic ones like "whilst" make this resemble a fairytale. The entire idea of a prose poem is brilliant. I didn't get the ending at first, but two seconds later, I did, and it truly sent a chill down my spine. Now to explain the four-stars:
Plot: I really, really wanted this to be longer. The ending seemed abrupt to me -- but that's just me, probably. It's hardly fair to judge a piece like this by its plot, isn't it?
Technical writing skills: the "remain" in the first paragraph/stanza should be "remained" to maintain consistency in tense. Other than that, I didn't catch any errors.
Can't wait to read more of your work!
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