I found myself drawn in
I must say the writing pulled me into reading this. The writer has a good voice and creates good imagery. Definitely a strong storyteller. I really love the way the writing encourages you to imagine, and the tone is very clear. It's very quickly that we can see the world the character is in. Moreover, the character feels and sounds liek a character. That is, a unique individual with goals and desires and emotions.
I am eager to see another chapter, provided that the overall stroy is interesting and satisfying. As of now, the three stars for the story is simply there as a neutral indication, as since it's a work in progress I don't know what else there is so it wouldn't be fair to give it either higher or lower..
To me, there's really not a whole lot to criticize unless I nit-pick. One thing I noticed is there are some spaces missing ("I am ***nolongercontent*** ..."), and one sentance was not very clear ("... hatreds build up as options ***lessen, lesson.***").
One other thing I would criticize is the mashing of words togther. While this is a style choice, and I do understand the effect that is trying to be given, to me personally it was distracting and I would have much better liked to see dashes between the phrases, or maybe capitalization at the beginning to show that these are names the character has given to things in the world. Just my opinion.
Lastly, while again it's a style choice, I would be a bit more careful of itallics. In some places they are used really well, in others it caused distraction for me. While I know that these are the thoughts of the character and there isn't a rule, I just feel that too many itallics can actually have the reverse effect of what's intended; they can de-emphasize. I would consider using itallics much, much more sparingly.
Overall it's a well-thought-out idea that deserves to be explored, and the writer paints an interesting compelling picture with the prose, and the strength of the writing pulled me in. It's actually very, very well-written and I recommend it. I could see myself reading the rest of this.
Very good potential (draft review)
I thought this was very well executed and interesting. I really liked the characters and the tone is true to the story. I couldn't stop reading it. The author has a good vision of the characters.
I would just watch out for punctuation as there are a few missing periods and sentences that didn't flow. I'm assuming that's because this is a work in progress it will probably be fixed in the completed draft. Eager to read the rest.
A Good Read and a Glimpse Into Revenge
I really liked how this story talked about how revenge can be different for different people, depending on their personality or previous experience. It added a very human element to the scene, which was fitting for a short story because it was a moment between two people in a period of time. I could also really imagine the characters because their dialogue and actions felt real and natural. There were just a couple punctuation mistakes which is easily fixable, and while I really appreciated the ending I also feel it was just a little bit too vague. Perhaps keep the ending the way it is but just add a little biut more description of what happened. A good and honest piece of work.Read the story now
Very fun read
I liked this story a lot. I personally felt that you could have witheld a bit more information about Jeff's crime until toward the end, to draw the reader in a little more, but that's not a big deal. Writing style was excellent and just a couple punctiation slips. Highly recommended.Read the story now
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