I found myself drawn in
Read the story now
I must say the writing pulled me into reading this. The writer has a good voice and creates good imagery. Definitely a strong storyteller. I really love the way the writing encourages you to imagine, and the tone is very clear. It's very quickly that we can see the world the character is in. Moreover, the character feels and sounds liek a character. That is, a unique individual with goals and desires and emotions.
I am eager to see another chapter, provided that the overall stroy is interesting and satisfying. As of now, the three stars for the story is simply there as a neutral indication, as since it's a work in progress I don't know what else there is so it wouldn't be fair to give it either higher or lower..
To me, there's really not a whole lot to criticize unless I nit-pick. One thing I noticed is there are some spaces missing ("I am ***nolongercontent*** ..."), and one sentance was not very clear ("... hatreds build up as options ***lessen, lesson.***").
One other thing I would criticize is the mashing of words togther. While this is a style choice, and I do understand the effect that is trying to be given, to me personally it was distracting and I would have much better liked to see dashes between the phrases, or maybe capitalization at the beginning to show that these are names the character has given to things in the world. Just my opinion.
Lastly, while again it's a style choice, I would be a bit more careful of itallics. In some places they are used really well, in others it caused distraction for me. While I know that these are the thoughts of the character and there isn't a rule, I just feel that too many itallics can actually have the reverse effect of what's intended; they can de-emphasize. I would consider using itallics much, much more sparingly.
Overall it's a well-thought-out idea that deserves to be explored, and the writer paints an interesting compelling picture with the prose, and the strength of the writing pulled me in. It's actually very, very well-written and I recommend it. I could see myself reading the rest of this.