P. A. Clouden

Man, that was good.

First off, let me say I absolutely love good horror stories and I think what helps make them good is when you can take real life incidents or tragedies and then add a horror element that makes it all the more thrilling. This was so good.

I mean, like really good.

I mean, like reading while at work, not getting any work done, good.

I just had to finish this story and I gotta say, so far out of all the stories I've read on this site, this is my favorite.

I adore the quotes before each chapter. They're so haunting and fit so well the theme of the story so great choices there. You really have a penchant for horror writing, this actually gave me the chills.

I honestly saw the story going a different way towards the end, so kudos on your twist ending.

I think you could be more graphic especially with the more uncomfortable parts of the story (molestation, murder, turning bodies into dolls, etc.) it's already pretty scary as is, but I'd love some colorful descriptive language thrown in there as well.

But still, tremendous story.

Will read more.

Strong Start

The world you've created here is powerful, dark and eerily prophetic. It's a poignant look at what a dystopian America can look like and how far off we are from it.

I love the social commentary and message you're providing here. Very strong start.

I also agree with Caitlin that some more detail in your scenery would help out a lot here. You've got a few scenes that move to fast and catch the reader off guard.

But other than that, your characters are genuinely good, and you have a solid vision for where you want your story to go. I look forward to seeing the finished product.

Difficult to Get Through

I'm a HUGE vampire lover so of course I was naturally interested in reading your story, but it fell a little short for me in terms of execution. The grammar through me off a lot in the first few chapters. I read that English is not your first language so I guess a lot of that is understandable, but also the random song lyrics being tossed in to the middle of the action was extremely jarring. I used to do that too with a lot of my old stories. I used to write while listening to music so I would throw song lyrics into my writing because I thought it would spice up the story; it doesn't. It actually takes people out of it especially when it's overused and doesn't add to the focus of the story. Using one song lyric throughout the story might be a stronger way to go.

Also, with the jumping back and forth between past and present tense, I got a little lost. I wasn't sure when or where things happened in your story. Also your teaser didn't give much away so it became even more difficult to get through because I wasn't sure what the main conflict was or the purpose/ intent of your main character was.

And I always feel like, and this is just me, when writing vampire stories it's a good thing to add your own twist on to the mythology. From yours, your main character sounds like every other vampire I've ever heard. He can compel people (Aiden from "Being Human"), he can survive in sunlight (Edward from "Twilight"), he's also a bit of an assassin, (Blade from "Blade"). I know you said the prologue was about two years old, I think you can revisit this now and punch it up a bit more. Good luck!

Good Start

This is an interesting take on the superhero genre. I don't think I've ever seen a story from a villianess' point of view before and it must be interesting having another family member on the opposite side. I like the idea of people's astrological sign being an indication of their powers, that's a good idea. I'm interested to see where you take the rest of this story. Keep me updated on your progress.

Good job!

This is Epic!

This is truly one of those great books that I could see being turned into a movie later in life. I love it. I'm madly in love with your characters right now. Jackson (one of my favorite names btw) is much like his last name, Spellbinding. This is a splendid novel and I'm so excited to read what comes next.

Intrigued from the start

This is always an angle I like to see explored in superhero stories. I always wonder about the regular people. What I really like is the heartbreak. The torn feeling between being grateful for the heroes and then being devastated by the losses suffered. I imagine your "Commander" and "The Protectors" are your rendition of Captain America and The Avengers? If so, I'm already hooked. Marvel over everyone. Still, this is a great start. I'm curious if you're going to continue this story or not. If not, it's kind of solid where it is now, but if you were to add to it, I'd love to see your character get caught up in the mess of the heroes and have his own loyalties challenged. Great stuff here.

Interesting Start

I love this world you've created! This future dystopian-aftermath livelihood with a civilization struggling to regain prominence while still living in fear. I'm very intrigued as to where you go with this. I'm curious to know more about 71 and how powerful he is and how they were able to defeat him during The Fall. And what he can possibly do to threaten their existence. SO MANY QUESTIONS that need answers.

But also, I'm a little confused about the point of view. Who are we following in this story? Is it a separate narrator or are we looking through the eyes of one of the civilians? Is it 68 or has it been 68 years or both? I'm a little confused by that but I'm sure it'll clear up in the next chapter. Good read and great start so far.