The story starts off great. Straight on action and at point. You did great with that one. I love books with fantasy elements and a lot of action. I do have a few criticisms though. I believe the grammar can be improved. There were some punctuation that you’ve missed (like commas after dependent clause in the first part of the sentence) but those could easily be corrected. Also, you did good with show vs. tell but I believe the dialogue can be improved. Add some dialogue tags. I’m stopped at the second chapter so this is coming from what I’ve read so far. Dialogue tags (like “Billy yelled” or “Nyla cried) can help the reader understand the characters interactions (basically, who’s saying the quote.)
Read the story now
You don’t have to do this with all the dialogue though.
I really think you’re story will be great. Maybe you can even publish it one day. It just needs a little fixer upper. My favorite parts was the fight where Alexandre was fighting the demon. It was nice of Nyla to bring food to Billy( I believe that was his name)
If you find some parts of this review to be misunderstood, please correct me. These are just some tips to help improve your writing.
Keep up the good work! Can’t wait for more:)