James

I am currently a high school senior and will be graduating Class of 2024. I’ve been writing books for a long time and hope to share my masterpieces online

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Just some constructive criticism….

The plot is good but there’s a few things in the story that you want to avoid when writing. First, the alarm clock scene and Amanda waking up. This is a very common cliche so I would edit that part out. You did great with starting where Amanda gets the job, it’s just that the alarm clock is irrelevant in the next scene. Instead you want to start where Amanda leaves for work and she senses a man following her.

Next thing I want to point out is pacing and info dumping. The story is told a little too fast so I would slow down the pace to give the readers time to get to know the main characters. Also, there’s a lot of telling rather than showing. I know this is written in first person but you can still spice things up a bit! Instead of just telling that the man was stealing money from her, show the interaction between the two characters. My best tip on showing what’s going on in the story is to include dialogue.

Lastly, you want to make things make sense. How exactly does she know that a man was following her? Maybe she saw a reflection in a window or the man made a noise that gave it away. She may sense a man but how does she sense it?

Please don’t take this as hate. If there’s anything in here that is misunderstood, please feel free to comment. I just know that there’s some readers out there that would expect more out of this story and one time I wrote a story and I received a comment saying it was boring. I don’t want this for you so you would want to make your book exciting and I feel like you’re heading that route. It just need a fixer upper.

For more tips on writing, I suggest you check out Jenna Moreci on YouTube. She’s a published author and is a pro at giving writing advice!😁

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Very Interesting

The story starts off great. Straight on action and at point. You did great with that one. I love books with fantasy elements and a lot of action. I do have a few criticisms though. I believe the grammar can be improved. There were some punctuation that you’ve missed (like commas after dependent clause in the first part of the sentence) but those could easily be corrected. Also, you did good with show vs. tell but I believe the dialogue can be improved. Add some dialogue tags. I’m stopped at the second chapter so this is coming from what I’ve read so far. Dialogue tags (like “Billy yelled” or “Nyla cried) can help the reader understand the characters interactions (basically, who’s saying the quote.)
You don’t have to do this with all the dialogue though.

I really think you’re story will be great. Maybe you can even publish it one day. It just needs a little fixer upper. My favorite parts was the fight where Alexandre was fighting the demon. It was nice of Nyla to bring food to Billy( I believe that was his name)

If you find some parts of this review to be misunderstood, please correct me. These are just some tips to help improve your writing.

Keep up the good work! Can’t wait for more:)

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Intriguing

This book really had me hooked. The plot was interesting and I was left with a few questions which I stated in the comments of the chapters! The whole thing felt like I was watching a movie! You were descriptive and everything! I was confused on a few parts but as I kept reading, I finally understand. You were great with the background stories and had me hooked with the plot. Other stories are just not like that so I abandoned them even before the second chapter. This story reminds me of Hotel Transylvania and Zombies 2. Other than that, you did really well with the writing and all of the characters were interesting!

Good Job!!!!
Corey Cole

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Very Intriguing

The story hooked me! I was able to catch the main plot instantly! I love this story and may even read more of it. It’s funny because I first I thought Everlyn’s mom had cancer but as I read closer, it turns out that Evelyn had cancer so I read that part wrong! The only criticism I have is that there weren’t enough character descriptions (basically their appearances and personalities). This will really help me get a clear image of the characters and setting.

If you find anything in this review to be misunderstood, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me! Your writing style is right on point! A lot of other stories I’ve encountered are just not like that!

Good Job!
Corey Cole

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The Wandering House

The story starts off GREAT! It drew me in and everything. You have very good writing skills. It would’ve been better if there were more showing rather than telling. You achieved this at the beginning but towards the end, we were only told about the description of Avery freeing the trapped souls and not actually seeing any actual interactions between the characters (Dialogue). Incorporating this technique can help the reader engage more in the characters and the plot line rather than just merely reading statements about what happened.

Other than that, fantastic job! You have very good descriptive writing skills! My favorite parts were when Avery encountered that girl in the road. It sensed a mist of suspense in my mind. It was also shocking when the girl turned out to be her deceased twin sister!

If you find any parts of this review to be misunderstood, please don’t hesitate to shoot a comment back! This is just some ways to help improve your writing!

Good Luck and Happy Writing!!
Corey Cole

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Very Tragic

The story starts off on an excellent start. The story is very emotional and I can’t imagine the feeling of being stabbed in the chest. The plot is very good and I feel like this story is going to be a great one! Keep up the good work!

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Very Hooking

This is a really publishable book. The writing style is great and I like how you describe each character because I can picture it in my head and it sounds like I’m watching a movie instead of reading a book! So five stars! Keep up the good work!!!!😊

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Structure is Fantastic

I loved how he gives specific details about Toby’s personality and description. It really inspires me to do better in my stories. The whole plot is amazing. By reading the story, I can tell this falls under the science fiction/fantasy category and I love those books. This is one I’ll read everyday. Keep up the good writing!!!!!😊

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