Talent but rough around the edges
Even though I don't normally give such low score and ratings I would be happy to give you the thorough reasons why I have done so. You have amazing writing skills, but it is only scraping the skin of what you're capable of. You need to look deep within you and find your writing skills that are untapped and open them with your fingers and mind.
Read the story now
For grammar, most of them are in dire need of a revision. Especially the last two paragraphs. It wanted zest and I know you have what it takes to make that possible.
For PROPER nouns, ALWAYS USE CAPITAL LETTERS. For instance, Jack, Mr Sanders, Sasha Anderson etc.
For incorrect spellings, these are what I found: alart-apart, their-thier, secrite-secret, exatly-exactly, didnt, didn't.
I should mention also you have unfinished sentences, for extract: Watching little miss Sasha Anderson shut the car door and lock it,' you said that and nothing else after to complete the sentence.
For dialogue correction, 'Looks like Jackie boy has a new toy to enjoy,' one of his friends said out loud teasing him.
Another thing with your last paragraph or the second to last paragraph beginning with 'A good few minutes passed' needs a thorough revision too.
Overall, it surely was good, and I expect more of something better next time I take a read. Hopefully this helps, and you know where the correction has to be made. All the best wishes!