Shub Agar

A writer if you enjoy dark literature.

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The Last Magnus

The book starts off with a huge exposition. It does question reality, which makes it interesting, but I feel like it would have had a better place if it was integrated with a character or a situation. If it was inspired from some event. Having a whole explanation of the world standing on its own without any other context makes it a bit hard to grasp. I like lengthy descriptions, but the paragraphs could be shorter. Overall, the story has all the elements of a classic magical-adventure-esque book, and the characters don't disappear into the words.

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Original, Unique

Nice introduction to the world, especially the bit about how humans saw the Monarchs. Intrigued me immediately. The contrast between the prologue and the first chapter is perfect! The book is quite original, the characters are diverse and the writing is thorough. I didn't get to finish all the chapters because of my time constraint, but I'm very very interested in what you've done here. Really good read so far!

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Great Medival-Themed Read

The protagonist's thoughts are seamlessly integrated with his descriptions/observations of his surroundings. Love the firm dialogue, the way the character knows himself and what he's doing. There's a neat balance between emotions and actions. As for grammar and technicalities, a lot of dialogue should have had commas instead of full stops, but that's not very important. You're a good writer who has put in great thought and effort in your work. Keep going!

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Good

The poems have uplifting themes that cover many kinds of emotions and ideals. I don't think you need to explain them. Also, just a small tip, look into inventing your own idioms where you're using common phrases. It'll be a cool exploration.

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Adventurous

Criticism: The opening of the story bombards the reader with adjectives, and every sentence (which isn't a dialogue) is separated with a line change, breaking the in-head narration. The flow would be much better if you worked on these two things. The chapter endings could be stronger.

Overall: I like that there are a variety of characters and fantastical elements which work together well, and that the fantastical elements have personalities of their own, The imagery isn't intensely described, but it's still easy to visualise.

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The Archeological Chronicles

The ending of the chapters are a little weak, and something is missing from the writing in general... maybe some depth? I'm not sure what to call it. There is a traditional way of writing, but you've written the story in a more current-era style; like how the subject (I etc) is omitted, or words like 'like' and 'kinda' are used. I am sort of conservative when it comes to writing, so those bits stood out to me, but they did do really well at conveying the emotion (frustration etc) of the protagonist.

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Distinct

From the first paragraph you wrote, I could tell you have gotten to the point of developing a writing style. The introduction of characters from the point of view of Micheal is done really well; they're already distinct in my mind. Some of the dialogue and such is witty, which makes for a good read. The story was a little confusing to follow at first, I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because the point of view of Micheal was overpowering the forward movement of the story? But once I got the hang of it, all was good.

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In the right direction!

The opening scene had a nostalgic tone with effective imagery, very impressionable! Jung-In's dialogue feels a little artificial, you could work on improving his flow and the kind of thoughts he chooses to articulate. You have a good hold over the language and descriptions. I know this doesn't seem to be your writing style (which is totally fine) but maybe you could look into describing emotions more, especially in parts which involve mystery or fear. The two characters we follow are clearly distinct; Jung-In comes across as loud and outgoing, Soo-Ah seems to be more reserved, and plays along with him. It is a nice dynamic with a lot of potential. The plot is strong too. Keep going!

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Very original

Effective imagery and lots of original elements to the story. Fresh characters which don't feel recycled from common tropes. Enjoying it so far!

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Good

Neat intention behind the first chapter. We are immediately drawn into action and introduced to the character's emotions. The writing style is very tell-not-show, which isn't always my thing, but it fits well here because of the historical circumstances and setting. Good job.

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Good

All the characters are clearly driven, and the narration is promising, it has the ability to draw readers in, so keep working on that.

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Good fanfic

The chapter endings could be stronger, and the opening scene's imagery could be more descriptive to immerse us in the mood/environment of the book. Neat writing.

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Hm

What the protagonist is going through makes her solidly human, but I think the writing style has to change a little to enable that further. I think you could focus more on showing rather than stating/telling her feelings or the environment around her. That would bring a greater emotional aspect that your story requires. The length of the chapters is not an issue, but they do end abruptly, so maybe look into that too. Keep writing, you're getting there.

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Keep going

I've never seen it happen (I'm quite lucky, I guess), but if this is how kids often bully someone then it's quite disturbing. I feel like the summary gave away most of the plot, unless you have some thrilling twists planned. It would be cool to see you bring something like that to the table.

The writing is very wattpad-esque. With time I'm sure you'll continue to develop a unique voice. Daily practise and daily reading is the key to that. Okay, now that I mentioned unique voice, I need to say this: as a writer, try to find some unique things about your character, and build on those. It'll help a lot in fleshing out a satisfactory story. Good luck!

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Lovely!

The atmosphere was set up effectively, especially because of the way the gods and goddesses (especially Hades) were introduced. I like how there was a little story attached to each other them, and it wasn't tedious to read. Through her commentary, we are able to gauge the kind of person Persephone is. The couple's turmoil and romance constantly draws the reader in. The emotion is conveyed, line changing is done well, and the writing style suits the story.

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Good

The opening scene of the prologue could have had a little more emotion to it, rather than just information (since it'll determine if the readers stay or not). Scene transitions should be a little smoother, although you get better at that as the story progresses. Lastly, character descriptions could be more elaborate (for example in the first chapter you used 'pretty' to describe both the girls). I say this because the way you describe the setting/surrounding is remarkably better.

It's good to see that something's always going on (the plot is paced well), and the story has a clear dystopian vibe to it.

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Good, lots of variety

Here is some constructive criticism: In many places there's a lot of telling and hardly any showing, which can be rectified. The tone of the story is pretty even because of the writing style; it should change when new characters/ new tension points are introduced. It would also be cool if you could play around with sentence lengths (for example: urgent/intense scenes can have shorter, quicker sentences to convey the emotion better).

Overall the story is entertaining, especially because of the dialogue and the variety of characters. The world building is done well enough too. Good effort!

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Neat Work

Criticism:
The introduction of the main character should be more seamless, perhaps start the story with some action and then delve into the character's thoughts/motives. The opening scene is the most important part which draws the reader in.

The high-tension scenes lack a punch sometimes. Maybe play with the italics, the sentence lengths and line/paragraph changing.

There are times where you seem to tell and then show too. For example: 'I stiffened my posture; I didn't trust her' or 'I could now identify her characteristics. She was ancient; hundreds of wrinkles...' I feel like this isn't required; either choose to tell or choose to show.

Overall:
The writing style is well established, and it clearly improves with time; I thoroughly enjoyed the uniform paragraphs of appropriate lengths, they add to the cohesiveness of a story. All the technicalities feel researched and accurate. The imagery is good, easy to visualize. The plot itself is quick, and ever-growing, and the character's motives and feelings are clear. Good work.

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Well Edited and Unpredictable

[I read several of the chapters in the beginning]

I was very pleased to see how realistic the scenes were, especially the one where she wasn't able to climb up the rope at her first try. I was expecting her to push through, because it's a story, but it made more sense for her to fail. It's great how the author doesn't romanticize the problematic erotica. I just wish we could have more paragraphs about how the protagonist felt, not just what she was thinking. The writing style is well developed and well edited, but I feel like it lacks a spark in a few places. But it's still satisfactory.

Anyway, I have no idea where the plot is going to go next, and that's always a good sign.

(Also the first scene of this novel was perfectly done!)

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Poetic, Dark

Criticism: There are too many adjectives (especially to describe physicality), you might want to cut down on that; beyond a point, we stop seeing colors and start seeing words only.

Overall: The writing style is promising and continues to reach heights. The prose is mature in the way it creates connections. Imagery tied in with the emotional content of the character is a 10/10. Keep practising your craft, you're doing great!

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