Prologue
Rob Walker stood at the top of the church and held his son’s hand tight. Alfie looked around at everyone and tugged on Rob’s hand and his father lowered his upper body to get their heads level. He cupped his hands around his father’s cheeks then pushed his hands together to squish his mouth and purse his lips.
“Don’t cry,” Alfie whispered and his soft voice shot a bolt of guilt right through Rob. “I won’t cry, if you don’t cry.”
Rob closed his eyes then put his hands under his son’s arms and picked him up. Alfie’s arms circled his neck and he burrowed his face in his father's neck as his legs wrapped his waist. Rob held him tight, cupped his head and his bottom to take all his weight and keep them connected.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and knew it was Mike who was standing next to him with Reggie clinging to his other arm. Next to her was Nolan who had Nick clinging to his arm and they all made an unconventional human daisy chain on the front pew.
When the organ music died down Rob watched the priest walk across the altar and take his place at the pulpit. A hush fell over the nearly full church as everyone took their seats. Rob held Alfie on his lap, his son’s face still buried in his throat as the sermon began.
Across the aisle Sophie’s parents sat huddled close but Rob kept his eyes forward. The coffin they had chosen was plain oak veneer with brass handles for the pallbearers. He wasn’t involved in choosing it, nor was he asked to participate in the service. If her parents had their way, he wouldn’t have been invited.
Rob thought back to when he met Sophie. She had been fierce and fearless. He had been instantly attracted to her long blonde hair, her shining blue eyes and wide, all encompassing smile. She had him in her sights the second he walked into the bar and before he even got himself a drink she had him dancing.
It was a whirlwind romance that looking back on it now he realised he had very little to do with. She controlled everything. At the time he thought it was because she loved him so much, but in reality it was because he was immaterial to her finding her fun. It was always about what was next, what else could she do and whether he was along for the ride or not didn’t seem to matter.
He had asked her to marry him, but it was she who had orchestrated the proposal. She had organised the engagement party, the wedding, the honeymoon. Then when the lustre of those events had paled, she orchestrated the pregnancy. But parenting wasn’t something she wanted to share with him. Instead she wanted to try another adventure. Divorce.
Rob closed his eyes and hugged his son tight.
The divorce had been ugly. It seemed like she was trying to anger him, hurting him at every turn. Denying him visitation rights, denying him any time he should have with his son, and instead toyed with him as if she wanted to see how he would react. Then she moved back to her home town in Denver and took his son away.
Rob lost count of how many flights he had taken from O’Hare airport. His bank account had dwindled to nothing which led to him taking extra shifts at work when he wasn’t in Denver.
“All rise,” the priest said and it shook Rob out of his reverie.
Beside him, Mike, his friend from back home, stood up and urged him up too. Rob held his son close as he stood and watched a small procession of Sophie’s younger cousins bring items up the centre aisle. A bronco’s jersey, a photo of Alfie, a small flower arrangement, a purple scarf and a pair of mittens, and a guitar. All items Sophie treasured and each one was accompanied by a small anecdote.
Alfie buried his face in his father’s throat and Rob held him tighter.
Throughout the service Rob couldn’t help but notice how Sophie’s parents never once looked his way. They had been distant and removed from their lives when he was married to Sophie, as the adventure she was living then didn’t include them. He thought they didn’t approve of him. He wasn’t rich, or super successful. He was the manager of a grocery store in a small town outside Chicago. He made enough to pay his mortgage, he worked hard, was well liked and enjoyed what he could provide for his family. They didn’t want for anything. Or so he thought.
When Sophie asked him for a divorce, she had stated that she was bored, small town living wasn’t for her, she needed more adventure. He tried to tell her they could have adventure but she had made up her mind. And her mind was telling her to get out, and get away.
The music in the church changed and Rob looked up to see four men surround the coffin and lift it from the stand. They placed it on their shoulders, linked arms underneath it and slowly walked down the aisle. Sophie’s parents followed right behind and when they moved out of their pew, Rob kissed Alfie and followed too, his friends on his heels.
The procession left the church where the coffin was loaded into the waiting hearse and Rob took Alfie to the mourning car. Sophie’s parents were in another car, and Mike joined him with Nolan.
“Reggie is following with Nick in the rental,” Mike said as he buckled his seat belt.
“Cool,” Rob muttered. Alfie was on his lap and Rob noticed he had started sucking his thumb again. He allowed his son this comfort for now because the next few days were going to be tough.
Losing his mother was hard and leaving Denver to come back to Madison was going to be hard. All this upheaval had to have a lasting effect and Rob was determined to give his son some stability.
The ride to the graveyard was slow and silent. Mike’s hand rested on Rob’s shoulder the whole time, while Nolan had a hand on Alfie’s. A light spring shower had started as they climbed out of the cars and made their way through the graves to the burial site. Alfie walked with one hand in his father’s and the other in Mike’s.
“Where are we?” he asked as they stood around the empty grave.
Sophie’s coffin had been placed in the stand over it and a couple of wreaths had been placed on top of it. Yellow roses and daisies, her favourite flowers, littered the area around and Rob felt a burning in the pit of his stomach. He had loved her. Loved her with everything he was but that love was not reciprocated. She had used that love against him. Used it to control him, torment and torture him. That love had died and all he had left was sorrow.
Sophie’s illness had been sudden, her death swift and unexpected. He felt the loss but more so for his son who had lost his mother.
Rob bent low and crouched next to Alfie, who leaned back against the inside of his father’s thigh. Rob’s hand spanned the boy’s back and his other one picked up both of Alfie’s hands.
“Remember how we talked about your mom?” Rob said gently. “She got very sick, and her body stopped working, and it can’t be restarted.”
Alfie frowned and looked at the coffin. “She’s in there.”
“Yes.”
“She can’t play any more,” Alfie said and Rob tried not to wince. These were the words he had said when he tried to explain the concept of death to his five year old son.
“No, she can’t.” Rob’s hand curled around Alfie’s shoulder as the priest started a prayer. “But she loved you so very much.”
As the coffin started to sink into the grave, the priest continued his prayer. Rob glanced over at Sophie’s parents. Her mother was sobbing silently, her father holding her close, his eyes firmly fixed on the coffin.
“She’s not going to be scared in there?”
“No honey, she can’t be scared anymore.”
A song started playing from a speaker behind the priest and people filed by the grave, tossing flowers onto the coffin and paying respects to Sophie’s parents.
“C’mon,” Rob said. He straightened, took his son’s hand and walked by the grave. He picked up a couple of roses, handed one to Alfie and showed him how to toss it into the grave. Alfie looked up at his dad with a smile when he threw the flower in successfully. Then Rob guided him to Sophie’s parents and stood in front of them.
“Max, Alice,” he said softly. “I’m sorry things turned out the way they did, and I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
Max was tall and fit. A rancher his whole life, worked hard to provide a comfortable life for his family. His hair was grey and always had been for as long as Rob knew him, and even in family pictures when he was young it had been grey. His broad shoulders were wide enough to carry the burden of loss for him and his wife and he was trying his best to hold her up too.
She was a smaller woman, always looked a little frail and spent her life in the kitchen baking, cooking, cleaning. She had been a gentle soul with no real fight in her, which surprised Rob when he first met her, considering her daughter was filled to the brim piss and vinegar.
Max’s face got tight and he frowned then looked down at Alfie.
“You’re making this very hard son,” he said.
Rob frowned. “I’m taking care of my family,” he said and tightened his hand on Alfie as he guided him to stand closer.
“And that means taking him from us?”
“I’m taking him home.”
“You’re taking him a thousand miles away from his family.”
Rob leaned in closer. “I am his family.” He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over to see Mike next to him. He looked back to Max and shook his head. “I don’t want him to lose his connection to you. You’re the only grandparents he has.”
“But you’re not willing to let him live here.”
“I can’t move across the country, Max. I have a job, a mortgage at home in Madison.”
“You could get a job here.”
“Max, I’m taking my son home. We’re leaving in a couple of hours. Once he is settled in Madison again, where he has friends already, then we can figure out how you can visit him, and keep your relationship with him.”
Max’s arm tightened around his wife and Rob watched his fingers curl into her shoulder.
“I’m sorry for your loss, for both of you. She was a wonderful mother.” Rob nudged Alfie forward. “Say goodbye Alfie.”
Alfie stepped up to his grandfather’s legs and hugged them tight. Max put a hand on his shoulder and patted it gently. Then he turned to his grandmother who had crouched low to hug him tight.
“We love you so very much, Alfalfa!” she said as she kissed his cheeks, his forehead and pulled him in for another hug.
“Love you too, grandma.”
Alfie stepped out of his arms and moved back to his father who picked him up.
“We’ll be in touch in a couple of days.”
Alfie waved and Rob walked away with his friends right behind him. They all climbed into the rental car Mike had taken from the airport the day before. It was a minivan with loads of room as he knew they would all need to fit with luggage for the return journey.
Mike drove out of the graveyard and took the main road back towards town. They were all silent for a while and Nolan fiddled with the radio to find something to disperse the tension.
“It was a lovely service,” Reggie said softly.
Rob nodded and looked out the window at the passing streets. It was a lovely service. Filled with all her favourite things. And Sophie would have hated it. She always wanted to be the centre of attention but only when she was in control of it.
“Flight is in a couple of hours,” Mike said. “We’ve just got time to grab your stuff and head out.”
“Or we could push it back to a later flight if you want to stick around,” Nolan offered as he leaned over the back of his seat to face Rob and Alfie who were sitting in the middle seats, with Reggie and Nick behind them.
“No, no, let’s catch that first flight and get home.”
“Home?” Alfie said and he looked up at his father.
“We’re going back to Madison, buddy,” Rob said. “Remember how we talked about going back home?”
“Yeah,” Alfie said. “Home.”
He smiled and looked out the window and Rob ruffled his hair before he turned to see Nolan watching him with a sad smile too. Rob nodded, huffed out a soft breath and closed his eyes as his head rested back for the rest of the journey.
