Burnout

Roxie’s POV

Slowly walking up to the church, I feel my chest tighten and a lump forms in my throat. The tears begin to fill my eyes, and threaten to spill over. I stop and can’t move any further. It feels like a wall has sprung up before me and I can’t move forward. I stand still for a few moments trying to breathe as Matt walks up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. Matt Johnson is the owner of the twenty three car that I drive. He has been mine and Doug’s boss for the last three years. We have become great friends and I am glad he is here with me today.

“Are you okay, firecracker?” Matt asks as he squeezes my shoulder.

“No, I am not. I can’t go in there.” I say as I try to hold back the tears that have been threatening to fall.

“I’m here for you.” I just can’t move my feet. He stands with me quietly, being the support I needed. Today is the day we lay to rest the only man I considered my father. My real dad walked out on my mother and I when I was only six. It was a relief to me, but it just about killed my mother. I don’t know how my mother loved him when he abused her and I every chance he got. He never beat me where the bruises showed, but my mother got the most of it. She didn’t take it well and turned to alcohol. She was drunk most days and barely held a job. I did what I could and began stealing. I was about then when Doug caught me breaking into his garage. Thankfully, he didn’t call the cops and took me in. He saw a frightened little girl and somehow could read me. He took me under his wing and taught me everything I knew, and I spent most days with him, helping at his garage and earning a little bit of money. He noticed my interests in the go carts in the back of the shop and started teaching me how to drive them at the age of thirteen. My love of racing exploded from there, and I could never get enough. I started entering races at the age of fifteen and I never looked back. Being a girl, it was hard to break through the door of a man’s sport, but it only made me work harder. Eventually, I made a name for myself in the Nascar circuit and Matt asked Doug and I to be a part of the team. I just can’t explain the rush I feel when I’m behind the wheel of a race car. The adrenaline rush is incredible, diving into the corners, passing each car to end up out front, and leaving everyone in your dust as you take the checkered flag. I can feel the goosebumps run up my arms at the thought. Matt wraps his arms around me giving me a side hug pulling me from my thoughts.

“Come on, let’s get this over with.”

“Yeah, I hate funerals.” We slowly walk into the church with his arm around me, the only comfort I need at this moment. We lost Doug two weeks ago to a massive heart attack. He was doing what he loved when he was found laying on the floor in front of my race car. He was found by one of the crew members. By the time he was found, there was nothing that could have been done to save him. He was already gone. I had watched as they wheeled his body out under the white sheet. Matt was there to hold me up as I sobbed. We slowly make our way up to the front row as I hold my head down, not wanting anyone to see my grief. We sat down with the rest of the crew as the rest of the pews filled up. Doug was loved by many people, but the crew and I were his only family. His wife passed away before I came into the picture and they never had any children. He was an only child himself, and he lost both parents in a drunk driving accident about ten years ago. I didn’t know them long but they treated me like I was family.

We sat down and Matt handed me a tissue. As we sit, the service begins and I feel eyes burning into the back of my head. I slowly turned around to see if I was crazy or not. I scan the crowd and sitting in the third row across from us sits Jaxon Devereaux. The man who broke my heart several years ago. He was a part of our team until he had a falling out with Doug and left in a rage. We eventually saw him later as a crew chief of a rival team that was doing amazing. They were the team to beat. We locked eyes, and my heart started thundering in my chest. He broke my heart when he left. I hadn’t heard from him except when I saw him on race day. His eyes are rimmed in red, and he looks like someone stole his puppy No, he doesn’t get to be sad. He left us. I just glare at him as I turn around and face the casket. The preacher walks up to the pulpit to begin.

“Good afternoon, we are here today to celebrate the life of a great man, Doug Campbell. He lived and died doing the one thing he loved, working with cars, most importantly race cars. He was the dad everyone wanted and was always there for anyone who needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. He never turned anyone away. He didn’t have a family of his own but made one from his crew. His door was always open and he was a great listener when he needed to be. He was also the best crew chief in the business and knew how to treat a race car. He was loved by a lot of people and will be missed by so many. I would now like to invite Roxie to come up and say a few words. She may not have been his daughter by blood, but she was by every other sense of the word.”

I take a deep breath as I try to push down the lump in my throat as I stand up, and Matt squeezes my hand as I slowly walk to the podium. As I get up there, I look over the crowd and it is overwhelming to see the church is full and is standing room only. As they filter out into the front yard. I never realized how much he was loved, and it makes my heart swell as I try to fight back the tears that threaten to fall again. I place shaky hands on the podium as I begin to speak.

“Doug was the only father I really knew. He took me in when he could have thrown me to the wolves. He saw a broken kid and turned her into the woman you see here today. He taught me everything I knew. He was always there when I needed him. Whether it was a shoulder to cry on, a stern talking to, or a pat on the back when I did something well. He pushed me when I needed him to and helped overcome my fears. No matter what, if you were a friend, he considered you family and would always jump if you needed.” As I say this, I look at Jaxon. He knew that I was talking about him and quickly looked down. I talked for a few minutes more and quickly walked back to my seat before the tears fell. Matt pulled me into his shoulder and hugged me tight as I began to sob. The ceremony is soon over, and they begin to carry Doug’s casket out to the hearse. We get up and follow it out. Matt is holding me up as we walk out to the limo. My feet move mechanically as I climb in the back seat. Looking out the window, I see Jaxon walk out the front door of the church, and we lock eyes. We just stare at each other for a few moments. I can see the sadness in his eyes with a hint of guilt. My anger is sent back at him through my glare. How can he be here after the way he left? He was just gone and never said anything. We didn’t always see eye to eye and his nitpicking always angered me. Now, he stands here right outside my door. The anger and betrayal start to bubble up again, and I can tell that Matt senses it. He reaches over and puts a hand on my knee.

“It’s not worth it, firecracker. You don’t need to make a scene.”

“He doesn’t get to be here. Why is he here? He deserted us. He left the family.”

“It doesn’t mean he didn’t love Doug. He was like a father to him too. There is a lot you don’t know about Jax. I said he could come. He wanted to pay his respects.”

“He makes me so angry!” I turn away from Jaxon, and I see Matt’s eyes roll and I just shake my head as the limo begins to move behind the hearse. Eventually, we arrive at the graveside, and words are said as they lower the casket. I still can’t believe he is gone. What do we do now? There is no one to fill his place; the season just started. How do we find someone? Tony has taken the spot temporarily for now, but he doesn’t want it permanently. I sit quietly in my chair as each person comes to pay their respects. Some come by and offer their condolences and the ones that I know give me a quick hug. So many people come by, it’s all a blur, until the one person I don't want to see is standing in front of me.

“I’m so sorry Roxie. I can’t believe he is gone. He was like a father to me too.” Jaxon says softly.

“Then why did you leave? You know you broke his heart when you left.”

“And I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.”

“You shouldn’t be here. You don’t deserve to be here.”

I feel Matt’s hand squeeze my shoulder as the anger begins to bubble in my chest. He is such an arrogant jerk. Thought he was better than everyone else and now he wants to come back saying he regrets it. I don’t think so, not today.

“Good to see you, Jaxon. Why don’t you come by the house? We are having a celebration for him with just the family.” Matt offers.

“But he’s not…”

Matt just gives me a look and the words stick to my lips and I don’t finish what I want to say.

“Thank you, Matt. I would like that.”

Jaxon looks at me and the hurt in his eyes is very evident.

“We can talk later about the job.”

“Thank you for the opportunity. I won’t let you down.”

“I’m counting on you Jax.”

“I will see you at the house. See you later, princess.”He walks away and I swear you could see steam coming from my ears. I hated when he called me princess. I wasn’t anything close to it and he knew it irritated me. I watch him walk away and can’t help but stare at the way his muscles just rippled as he walked away. He had a lot more ink since the last time I laid eyes on him and I couldn’t help my eyes drift down his back and land on that beautiful round ass of his. What I would love to do to that. No, stop it. You can’t go there with him. You don’t want to get involved with a playboy like that. He is just an arrogant jerk that would break your heart.

“What do you mean, talk about the job?”

“I have offered the crew chief position to Jax.”

“Hell no! I won’t work with him! He’s an arrogant jerk!”

“He is the best out there. He will help you be the best.”

“Isn’t there anybody else?”

“No, and you two are going to get along if you want to keep racing.” My chin drops and I can’t believe he said that to me. I don’t get a decision on this? I can’t work with Jax. He and I are polar opposites when it comes to racing. He doesn’t understand me.

“Let’s just get back to the house and we will talk about this later.”

“There is not much to talk about.” I say as I walk off and leave Matt behind. He hurries up behind me and puts an arm around my shoulder. I don’t say anything to him the whole way back to the house.