What I Left

Lena

I sit in silence on the way to the airport, attempting to focus on my breathing and trying to stay calm. Unsuccessfully, I should add. As each minute passes, I feel the taxi shrink and my breaths get more and more shallow. Next to me, my mother fidgets with her pearls and gives me a pained smile.

“Lena, do you really have to leave?” she asks quietly, while dabbing at her already watery eyes, “You got into USC, UC Berkeley… just go to one of those and stay with me hon.”

“Yes, Mama,” I reply with a sigh, “ L.A. was fun, but I miss everyone back home. And you know NYU is my dream school.”

The last time I was in New York was nearly four years ago, making my emotions a tangled web of excitement and anxiety. For one, the prospect of returning to the city is invigorating; the idea of seeing my dad and childhood best friends again is one that I can’t pass up. But, I didn’t leave on good terms, and going back could undo all the progress I’ve made. In spite of the nerves, I knew it was time to go home when that ever-present feeling of homesickness became stronger than ever.

I brush my freshly dyed, auburn hair out of my eyes, check my lipstick in my compact mirror and shakily get out of the car. I look at my mom again, stopping for a moment to see myself in her and trying to memorize her face. Her strong jaw that’s now trembling. The amber eyes we both share. The freckles spattered across her nose from that beach trip we took to Malibu last week. I close my eyes for a split second and paint the picture in my mind before hugging her and leaving quickly. I don’t turn around, knowing if I did I would lose my strength and run back.

As I walk through the airport, my heart races faster with every step. Memories flood back to me - the hot, sticky summers spent on Coney Island, the crowded and bustling streets of Manhattan, sneaking into Paradise Club and performing with Addie. Addie. My heart hurts and I push her out of my mind. Instead, I think about the quiet moments spent in my old apartment with my dad. Before I ruined it. I pray to myself that it’s different now. Better.

After the plane lands and a painfully long wait for my baggage, I reach the front gates and scan the faces in the crowd for my dad. After a few minutes, I realize he’s not coming and pull out my phone to call an Uber. Disappointing, but expected. As I’m struggling to connect to the Airport wifi, I see a sweaty man rush up and scream, “Lena, Lena over here!”

I smile and walk over to where my dad stands in the back of the rushing travelers.

I immediately start to apologize, “Dad, I’m so sorry for everything, I- ” when he interrupts me.

“Let’s put it behind us, now tell me, how was Hollywood and meeting movie stars?” he chuckles as we get into the car.

“It was amazing! California is beyond beautiful and I love L.A., but I love home way more,” I say with some excitement.

“Great! Well, when we get to the house, stop by Jess’s. She’s been calling the house for weeks asking about you.”

--

“OH MY GOD LENA WHITE YOU’RE BACK! ” Jess screams into my face as she tackles me into a giant hug.

I laugh while hugging her back and slowly getting up from the ground. Jess and I were best friends all the way until I moved to L.A. back in freshman year, and up until this moment I had forgotten how much I missed having a real friend.

“Okay, okay Lena I already made plans for tonight! First we hit the mall, then we go to Club Paradise and you do a set,” she exclaimed.

My heart dropped. I hadn’t sang in 4 years, not since…

“No, I can’t. Singing just, singing isn’t for me anymore,” I say with conviction, hoping Jess will drop it for once in her life. No such luck.

“Please, Lena. I already told everyone you're back you have to go on,” she says pouting her lips.

That’s how I wound up on stage 8 hours later, squinting my eyes in front of the blinding stage lights. I close my eyes and visualize a bright light while counting to ten, an anxiety reducing breathing technique a therapist had taught me earlier. The bow in my hair shifts as I bend down to pick up the mic.

“Hi everyone! I’m Lena White and I’ll be performing an original today, called Stay,” I say, my voice amplifying across the small bar.

Baby, don’t go yet, I haven’t had time yet

If you cared, you’d know I’d die without you with me

Don’t leave me lying here, just stay

As I finish strumming the last chord on my guitar, I hear the room erupt in applause and I grin. I’d forgotten how good it felt to sing in a packed room, hundreds of people watching you with awe. After meeting my old friends, Jess and I head to leave out the back when someone steps in front of me.

“That was amazing. Like seriously,” a guy wearing all leather says walking up to me, “ Me, Seb and Austin, where did he go … never mind. Anyway, we’re Destined.”

“Oh, you’re literally on my playlist! I love Hellbend!”I gush.

“Yeah, that’s us. Well, our lead singer left and we desperately need someone to fill in before our tour in a few months. You up for an audition?”

I don’t know what to say. Me a few years ago would take this opportunity in a heartbeat, but me today still has some pretty painful memories. But then, I think about how free I felt on stage and I know what I need to do.

“Yes.”