Entity (The beginning)
Reality is like a canvas, upon which you use your experiences, feelings, and memories to paint your own unique picture. Each day, you add a new layer of depth and colour to this masterpiece of your existence. However, just as life can be stunningly beautiful, it can also be filled with darkness and turmoil. You possess the power to create beauty or inflict destruction upon the world around you. At the heart of your being, you embark on a mysterious quest, fraught with complexity and uncertainty. The choices you make along the way, whether to nurture or to destroy, will shape the course of your journey. You have the power to build a better world, or you can succumb to the temptation of violence and hostility. You are marked by an ever-present sense of inner conflict. You often feel lost and uncertain, struggling to make even the simplest of decisions. The fear of the unknown holds you back, trapping you within the confines of your own self-imposed limitations. You shy away from anything that challenges you, preferring the safety and familiarity of your own personal bubble which this leads to a sense of isolation and loneliness, as you judge and distance yourself from those who are different. It’s a sad and lonely existence, one that speaks to the deep-seated fear and insecurity that lie at the heart of every entity. Carrying the weight of pain within yourself can make living a challenging and tumultuous experience. As you try to navigate your way towards happiness, you may end up causing harm to those around you, leading to feelings of guilt and self-blame. At some point, you may be faced with a critical decision, one that requires you to let go of everything and retreat from the world. In doing so, you come to believe that you are no longer living, but merely existing. You have a tendency to escape reality by immersing yourself in the virtual world, which is peaceful and brings you the happiness you’ve always craved. You find the appreciation, glory, and friendships that you never had in real life. This world becomes captivating to live, and you find allies who are always there to support you and help you forget the hurdles of life. But you can’t spend your entire life in a made-up existence. Reality inevitably catches up with you, and it’s often darker than you anticipated. You lose a friend, which it will change your life forever, and you feel weak and helpless because you couldn’t do anything to help her. You go through phases of sadness and eventually you wish to die. At that moment, you lose your feeling for this life, for this world that revolves around you. Several concepts fade away. Love, passion, and the rush you were living in, all gone. Everything becomes in slow motion, everything turns black and white, withered, and colourless. This new world you are living in becomes abstract, detached from hypocrisy because you no longer care who judges or cares about you. A bunch of false compliments mean nothing because you already don’t give a damn about this awful world. No one cares if you stay locked in your room for a month, closed in on yourself, because you’re no one’s concern. You get tired of talking to people, even the word has the weight of a mountain. That’s why you only talk to the ones you truly love, but you always have this constant feeling that you’re bothering them, dragging them to your hell, eventually you escape it all. This abstract world has a lot of pain, a pain that makes you and the people around you feel real. You get frustrated whenever you see anything fake or deceptive because people’s pretence disgusts you. Like a soldier who gets killed by a bullet, but for us, it’s the details that kills us. What would you do in this situation? Would you continue with your life as if nothing happened, while ignoring the struggles and pain that you are going through? As you stand in the cold shower, the only warmth you feel comes from the tears pooling in your eyes, they shimmer with the weight of your emotions, and as they overflow, they trace a path down your cheeks, carrying with them the heavy burden of your sorrow like tiny, glistening boats, they journey across your face, marking the passage of your deepest feelings. You have reached the worst kind of misery with no taste in anything and no interaction with anyone. You have started to hate yourself, like a flame that gradually extinguishes itself and fades away, becoming less and less visible over time. Even among your family, you feel like a stranger. You hope to walk far and fly above the clouds, away from this cruel reality that is tearing you apart. The heart searches for joy, but all he finds is panic. Even trust, honesty, and self-embrace, all these meanings, were devastated by your pain. You know that life is a passage and death is the destination. That’s why you don’t care anymore. If you could, you would just, Die. but you’re compelled to live this life. You’re meant to suffer. It’s hard to breathe while your chest is suffocating. Even a simple discussion with anyone is like a punishment. You don’t know if your soul or your body is ill. Your entire entity is barely living. When you get home, loneliness kills you. What destroys you is not the things that can’t be undone, but the fact that when you start crying, and you can’t because you’re out of tears, that’s another level of melancholy. Even expressing your sadness becomes so hard, making you weak and pathetic. Look at you, you can’t sleep or eat, you wish you don’t see your colourless picture when you stand in front of the mirror, you wish your heart would just stop beating a sad rhythm, you wish you would cease to exist. And here you are, laying in your bed, with all you can hear are the voices in your head, begging them to stop, craving so that you can live in peace, but it gets worse as everything vanishes in front of you, and you can’t even see yourself. Trapped between the walls, time is running, but you are solid as a statue with no soul, no feelings. That’s when you realize there’s nothing to keep you alive. You look in the mirror and see how ugly a human can be. You decide to start writing, words, a whole text that describes the meaning of life, the suffering you’ve been through. You try to write about how awful you are, the conflict you’re living between the end and the beginning. Nothing encourages you to bear this pain, year after year... Wrapped in darkness.
