Something New

Casey’s heart pounded in her ears as she approached the thick doors to “Chaleur”, an exclusive hotbed of depravity - or as someone less uptight would think of it: fun. Every step she took made her insides twist with anticipation, even though the stoic mask she wore created an illusion of confidence Casey desperately wished she possessed. What she wouldn’t give to have half the confidence so many women seemed to exude with no effort. It felt as if they’d lined up for God’s gifts and she’d been off watching butterflies or something instead. Why did it seem like it was only her that had to use all her concentration to not trip over air when in high heels?

This was her first night out since she had her daughter more than half a decade ago, and the first time she’d ever entertained going somewhere so enticing, so… thrilling. Her husband of almost 20 years was never a “go out on the town” kinda guy. Kevin was as straight-laced as they came, and while she was grateful to have such a loving, kind, and loyal partner, every year they seemed to grow further and further apart. Having known each other since their mid-teens, the now 39-year-old Casey felt gutted that she was losing the man she’d shared more than half her life with. Someone who she used to consider her best friend before their relationship developed, she would talk to him about anything and everything for hours until they had to sleep or go to work or school. Lately, they could go weeks or months without having a deep conversation or even really looking at each other. It felt like just existed in each other’s orbit, like half-forgotten moons. More roommates than lifemates.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he finally confessed to her that he was asexual and had never had the burning desire for her that she had for him. Finally, the years of feeling rejected or as if she’d done something “wrong” in their marital bed, made sense. Everything clicked into place like a puzzle piece she hadn’t even known was missing. Except, it wasn’t just one piece, it was a whole cluster, and parts of the big picture that never seemed to be quite in focus - now were. All those times she doubted her body, her attractiveness, and her abilities in bed. The nights she spent reading article after article on how to “win your man back” from various magazines and shady websites. The hours she’d spent reading and watching porn, looking for any ideas on how to attract his interest. She felt so foolish. So unwanted. Embarrassed at how she tried to fit herself into such hollywood bimbo slut molds, thinking that’s what he desired, would have brought back the man that used to pursue her when they were starting out.

It took a long time for Casey to admit how hurt she’d been over the years, the emotional damage his secret had caused her. She wanted him to feel comfortable, figuring out himself and understand what he was processing. However, as time went on, it seems he had forgotten to check in with Casey and how she was handling this new information. She had never signed up to be in a sexless marriage, and she desired her husband very much. She’d always had a healthy libido but for the longest time worried she was a sex addict with how she’d pursue her husband only to be constantly shot down. After a lengthy conversation, with a lot of hard truths in it, they’d conclude that their marriage couldn’t go on the way it had been any longer. Kevin had finally relented to the idea of an open marriage so Casey could “scratch her itch or whatever”. As long as she came home to him, he would overlook her escapades if that’s what it took to stay together.

To be honest, when Casey had asked for an open marriage, she wasn’t even convinced she was ready for one or even wanted it at all. She had mostly just wanted to see what her options were. Was she ready to live a life celibate, in order to keep her marriage together? Had too much damage been done, and they should cut their losses? Was this a way to strengthen their marriage by taking her sexual needs off the table completely, not that they were ever on the table for anyone BUT Casey in the past? She wasn’t sure. What she did know, is she liked knowing she had options, with Kevin’s consent. While that statement made her feel as if she’d taken a hit to feminism in general, she couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach without his “okay”. As if she needed anyone’s permission, being a close to 40, married, and a mother.

She’d kept his secret for a few years now but, with Kevin’s allowance, she confided in her best friend, Ameilia (Ami). After the shock had worn off, Ami convinced Casey to let her hair down and come to her favorite clubbing experience to shake off the cobwebs. To say Casey was a little nervous, would be an understatement! Go clubbing? At a racy club with *that* sort of reputation? What would Kevin think of her? What if she saw someone she knew or that knew her? But her worst fear was, what if she liked it? What if she couldn’t put the dragon back into the cage after this? What would that mean for her marriage? What would that say about her?

The truth was, she still loved Kevin. He was still the first man she’d ever been with, her first everythings were with him. He was everywhere in her memories. However, they were all seated in the belief he loved and craved her as she did him. Looking back on those memories felt like she was watching a movie full of lies now. She desperately hoped that changed in the future, but for now, it hurt to think of their former selves and look at where their relationship was now.

Ami, of course, had all the answers and encouragement for every concern Casey listed: “Yup, absolutely! Where else are you gonna let it all hang out without judgment? Who cares what Kevin thinks, he’s the one that isn’t paying you any attention and is wasting that banging body! If someone recognizes you, and you recognize them, you both have a secret to keep. Win-win! If you like it, then I’ll help you get your own membership so you don’t have to worry about going with me, if you’d like to experience some of the club’s offerings without me there.”

Casey felt the weight of the judgemental statements about Kevin, pulling on her heart; she tried to shake the thoughts away, trying to preserve the excitement Ami was attempting to infuse her with. Before Casey could fully commit to going, Ami had already picked out her best ‘most bangable’ outfit she owned for Casey to borrow. “It’s always given me good luck”, she’d said with a wink - an attempt at an Elizabeth Taylor impersonation. It always made Casey chuckle and settle her nerves a bit, and Ami knew it.

Focusing on the present, Casey breathed in deep, straightening her dark, blood-red, short dress (which she prayed covered her ass more than the cool air on her cheeks was insinuating), and she opened the door to find a young man standing sentry by another door, waiting for the entrees.

‘He looks like he’s about 27. Probably wondering what I’m even doing here… he’s not the only one.’

“Um, hello. I’m here to meet a friend?”

The bouncer silently looked her over and held out his hand. She placed her hand in his in an awkward shake, “Oh, my name is Casey. Casey Lamath.”

“...Bryant. Nice to meet you, but I meant your invitation. No entry without one.”

Casey felt her cheeks color at the embarrassing gaff.

‘Nice going, Case. 2 seconds into this and you already look like the idiot you are. Why are you even here at your age?! This was such a mistake.’

She quickly dug into her bra’s side to grab the small business card-sized invitation - made to be discreet. Which was fortunate because Ami insisted she not bring a purse or phone into the club.

~~~~~~~~~~

“It’ll enhance the experience! You won’t be tempted to check your phone for updates on your kiddo or check-ins from Kevin - you can just be YOU for the night, doesn’t that sound nice?”

Sensing Casey’s unease, Ami softened her tone, “Listen, if you really can’t relax without having a lifeline to Kevin and Willa, the bartenders always have a landline to use. I just want you to try and let loose for a couple of hours, okay? Try for me?”

Casey released the breath she was unknowingly holding. “I promise I’ll do my best, Ami. Honest. Thank you for doing this and helping me get out for the night.”

Ami smiled brightly, “No worries, babe. I know you’d do the same for me if the situation were switched.” She was right, Casey would turn the world upside for Amelia if she could to make her feel better. “I have to run some errands before meeting you at the club, but I can run back here to help you get ready if you’d like.”

“No, no. Go run your errands. I need the privacy to shave for the first time in forever. Nobody should be here to witness that”, Casey jested (but only slightly).

Ami chuckled, “Okay, then! I’ll see you at “Chaleur” at 8!”

Casey saw her to the door, thanked her lucky stars that Kevin had taken Willa to the park as a distraction, and silently wondered to herself if she needed to bust out her weedwhacker before hopping in the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~

Handing it to Bryant the Bouncer, she tried to calm her nerves. She didn’t want to give him or anyone reason to think she didn’t belong at the cool kid’s table, even if she didn’t believe it herself. Fake it till you make it and all that, right?

“Okay, just head through the doors, and on the left is the bar. I see your invitation is from none other than Iris herself.”

‘Iris? Ami uses an alias? Should I have? Ugh, strike 2 for the Casey Being Cool Campaign.’ “She usually hangs out at the bar for a bit after she arrives. You should be able to find her pretty easily.”

Casey briefly wondered if Bryant was so familiar with her friend’s habits due to the exclusivity of the club (were there really THAT few people that frequented “Chaleur”?) or did he have a special interest in Ami? And if the latter were the case, was Ami aware of it?

Bryant The Bouncer handed her back the invitation card but before he let go, “Just in case anyone asks to see it. Since you’re new here, it’ll take some time for the regulars to warm up, but don’t worry,” he grinned looking at her appreciatively, “they will. They love new blood.”

‘New…blood…? Case, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?’

“Oh, t-thank you for the heads up…” Casey quickly tucked her invitation back into its spot and walked as quickly as she could while still having an air of gracefulness in the nude heels Ami, or “Iris” insisted she wear “to bring those hot calves out to play”. Not feeling particularly comfortable with Bryant the Bouncer’s stare or wording, she wanted to find her friend’s familiar face and be reminded why in the world she was doing something so completely out of her normal character.

‘Because you haven’t been happy and maybe this will make you happy’ she reminded herself.

‘Less thinking, more doing, remember?’

Reaching the safety of the doorknob, Casey silently cheered for herself, ‘Hey! No twisted ankles yet, not bad!’

She had a white-knuckle death grip on the door handle, while music pounded on the other side, or that could be her heartbeat throbbing in her ears. With nothing but an uncomfortable stare and conversation with Bryant waiting behind her if she backed out, Casey took a deep breath and pulled the door open.

‘Here goes everything.’