What is your opinion?
The potential is there.
"Hey there. Looks like you have the backbone for a great story. There is alot of information in the first chapter that I feel can be worked on: - Give the back story to why the aliens came. Did they come for resources? Did they come to escape war on their planet? Were they provoked? - Give the back story of the father and the mother. Why did she die, how did she die? what emotional trauma did it leave on the father? The exchange between the father and daughter regarding the bracelet suggests that there is a bit of trauma. - Discuss the inferno programme in detail. What were the actions that led up to that point? Was there a battle, was there desperation? How did the Inferno programme affect other people? did they embrace it? was there resistance? Sorry. I am a journalist. Some people feel that I am barking orders at them, but it really is an attempt to help. I know how writrers block is. You sit and look at your computer screen getting frustrated because you have this awesome story in your mind, but you cannot commit it to words. When I was writing my first book (not the one that is linked below) I used to mind map everything. Character development, my chapters, EVERYTHING. it gave me a bit of perspective and allowed me to connect the dots between my thoughts and what I wanted to write. https://app.mindmup.com/ is a free mind mapping site on the interweb that works great. That aside, your writing is crisp and to the point. there is no waffling and you feel as if you can get engrossed in the story. I admire the fact that you can write in the first person. I cannot do that. All of my work is from the perspective of a narrator. its a bit of a pain at times. Have a read of my story and tell me what you think. Any feedback would be appreciated. https://www.inkitt.com/edit/108566?ref=v_fa4056e4-79a2-4567-8df2-42ff94abe4bb"
It's Interesting, But Why?
"Primarily, I commend the author's wisdom in getting feedback immediately on the project. It's simpler to edit one chapter than a whole manuscript. The concept of a human society forced underground by war sounds most interesting, to be certain! Now all the reader needs is to be told why this setting is so interesting. No data-dumps, but subtle implications should be worked into the scene, which stands as a solid structure as it is. Perhaps a better date should be considered, since this sounds like a 22nd--24th Century society, not 26th. Plus, - Why hovering vehicles underground? If humans are in survival/resistance mode, would they not be more practical? - Is it a tunnel network, or just a massive dome of earth? What's it like? - What about the buildings? Again, tunnels or dome should affect this. Does it look like a 21st Century neighborhood scene, or a system of catacombs? - How did the humans excavate all that dirt without the aliens noticing? Was it a preexisting cave system? - Will the aliens be VERY important later? If they're one-offs so we can have underground societies and soulless mutants, the strategy could stand reevaluation. - If this is so far in the future, what everyday pieces of technology would exist? Is there an underground internet? Are personal devices newly made, or patched-together parts from some future handyman? Not everything needs to be answered in the first chapter, of course, just enough to set up a scene that is normal for the characters but unusual for the reader. The place is intriguing, but it sounds like the author needs to "live" in this world for a while first before embarking on the storyline. This story is also billed as a romance, and the setting is already non-cliche (provided no vampires emerge), and at this point it's too early to tell if the romance stereotypes are emerging. If the father figure ends up as an antagonist, though, I pray that his character will be more complex. I normally don't go for the romance genre, but I'm keeping my eye on this one!"
Interesting Start
"This story is pretty promising. I would rate it higher but I really don't know much about the characters or the world after reading the first chapter, other than a cliche underground background. There's a lot of telling in the first chapter, and while the narrator's voice, Edna, is entertaining, I kept feeling like the author was dumping information on the reader, especially about the aliens and the events leading to the underground society. I feel like it could be much more crafted and unique if the author let suspense build and tensions grow before revealing some of this information. Other than that, it has great potential. I hope the author grows. :)"
