It was the night before Christmas
It was the night before Christmas and not a creature was stirring not even the mouse. Well, Bill and Joy were along with Elliot the Scottish Terrier. Joy was upstairs diligently wrapping presents. Bill was downstairs walking to his office getting ready to enjoy a couple of Christmas cookies and his special Christmas brew, bourbon-nog.
Bourbon-nog was Bill’s special combination of 95% bourbon and 5% eggnog. Looked like eggnog, tasted like bourbon. It’s what he liked to think of as a stealth drink.
“Doing alright up there?”, asked Bill as he passed the stairs.
“Oh yes Bill, the presents are just about wrapping themselves. I am having such a great time”, came the reply from somewhere above the stairwell and out of site.
“Great!”, shouted Bill as he nestled into his comfy chair and prepared to enjoy his holiday snack.
“William!”, came a stern shout from above.
Bill sighed and put down his cookies and bourbon-nog. He had missed the sarcasm. The presents weren’t just wrapping themselves. How did she know he had just sat down; it was a gift. She had perfect timing.
Still, it was Joy and Bill loved being with her. No one in the world understands just how much Bill loves Joy. Even wrapping presents and doing it wrong, or watching Joy wrap them wrong was time with Joy. Time that was cherished. Eat your heart out Hallmark.
There was measuring and taping. Cutting and tying. Griping and laughing. Elliot thought it was all a much to do about nothing. He wasn’t surprised at all though. This seemed to be how humans were. For all their drama and silliness, he still loved his humans. He would do anything for them, as we will soon see.
Suddenly there was a clarpity-bang commotion downstairs that brought alarm to the three residents and they all ran downstairs to see what was going on.
There, in the living room face down between the couch and the coffee table was, … well, Santa.
“Holy reindeer, what was in that eggnog!”, he said stumbling to his feet with cookie bits sticking out of his messed up beard. A little bit of bourbon-nog dripping from his mustache.
At this very moment, Elliot realized that there was an unauthorized person in the house and leapt into action. While the leap may have only been 6 to 12 inches, it got him close enough to bite Santa on the ankle. In a flash, there was a growl, a crunch and howl.
Santa hopped on one foot a couple of times and then collapsed on the couch. Bill snatched up Elliot for Santa’s sake. Joy looked at Elliot and then at Santa, and then Elliot again.
“Goodness”, she said in disbelief, Scotties really can break your ankle.
Then Joy looked at Bill and her eyes narrowed. “What did you do?”
Bill looked at Joy and then at Santa and then and Joy again noticing her eyes. “What”, he said innocently. “It was my bourbon-nog! And you sip it you don’t chug the whole thing”, he said completely judging Santa.
“The cookies and eggnog on an end table looked like the standard santa gift. I thought it was for me. Sorry”, explained Santa.
“Well, yeah, that makes perfect sense”, said Bill not taking his eyes off Joy who was burning holes through him with her eyes. “In my defense, how was I supposed to know Santa was going to show up and possibly drink my bourbon-nog?”
“William, we’ve ruined Christmas. Our names will forever be linked to the year Santa didn’t come.” Joy sat in her favorite chair. How had ruin come upon them so quickly?
“Well I don’t think it’s as bad as all of that”, said Bill optimistically.
“Oh it’s that bad”, said Santa putting his arm over his eyes. “I can’t risk getting a DUI, can you imagine the scandal? Not to mention my poor ankle. How can I deliver presents like this?”
Once again Bill felt the burning eyes of his wife on him.
Bill’s mind did what most men’s minds do when presented with a problem mostly of their own making. It searched for a way to fix the situation. The proverbial lightbulb went off. I know, light bulb is not a proverb, but I like saying proverbial.
“Joy and I will deliver the Christmas presents!” stated Bill proudly.
It was Santa’s turn to roll his eyes. “Right, because it’s so easy to fly a sleigh and deliver presents to the whole world! No special skill set needed. Don’t believe all the silly Christmas movies mister!”
“Tell you what”, Santa said fumbing in his pocket. “Take this fob outside and press the summon button. Look over the sleigh, come back and tell me if you still think you can handle it.”
Joy didn’t like the sound of this at all. Bill eagerly took the fob and went outside. Joy rolled her eyes and followed Bill outside.
Yes, there is a lot of eye rolling in this story, but it’s a great non-verbal means of communicating. Remember, 80 percent of communication is non-verbal.
Bill pressed the button and soon he heard an oddly familiar noise. The sleigh appeared and landed between his house and the lake in front.
Bill thought it was magnificent. The sleigh was larger than he thought. There were no reindeer, which was a little disappointing but also a relief. Bill had no idea how to handle eight possibly nine reindeer.
Joy watched as Bill clamored into the sleigh. She thought it was pretty if not a bit too big. “Men and their toys”, she thought to herself. She also thought it was a bit noisy for a sleigh and where were the cute reindeer. She was excited to see them, but this sleigh had none.
“Oh boy! Oh boy!” exclaimed Bill. “Joy, do you know what this is? Do you have any idea what this is?”
Joy looked up at her excited husband. It warmed her heart to see him so thrilled. Joy had learned long ago that there was no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect life for that matter. But, Bill was hers and she loved him just the way he was.
Joy could see lights from what was apparently the sleigh controls causing Bills face to glow as he happily looked over the controls. Bill was still the handsome man that had caught her eye all those years ago.
Again, Hallmark, eat your heart out.
Joy hopped into the sleigh next to Bill and immediately understood his excitement. This sleigh had a flight stick with lots of buttons, and a heads up display.
“This is a hi-tech sleigh”, said Joy, impressed.
Bill stiffened and looked at wife, then relaxed a little. “A high-tech sleigh? Joy, this isn’t just a high-tech sleigh. This is exactly the cockpit of a Tomcat!” Bill’s smile couldn’t have been bigger. “I know perfectly how to fly this thing! And that sound! I thought I knew that sound!”
Bill jumped out of the sleigh. Looking at the front he saw two intakes and running around the back two engines. “I knew it!”, he said as he ran into the house.
Joy rolled her eyes once again as she knew she was in for quite an evening. She got out of the sleigh and followed Bill into the house.
“Santa!” bellowed Bill as he flew into the house. “That thing is an f14?”
Santa sat up. “Yeah, you know about those? I loved the movie Top Gun, so when the reindeer retired I had the sleigh upgraded. I even got the new General Electric F110 engines. Can’t have the sleigh going into a flat spin”, he said with a chuckle.
To say that Bill was thrilled is an understatement of epic proportions. Hey, maybe the story should be called “Thrill Bill”! No? I’ll think about it.
“I’m an F14 pilot!” Bill didn’t even try to contain his excitement. He would save Christmas for sure! Well, and Joy would help too of course.
Joy gave Bill and Santa the look. If you know Joy, you know the look. I love that look. “Seriously?” she asked flatly.
For the first time a glimmer of hope appeared on Santa’s face. “Maybe all isn’t lost then.”
Santa asked Bill to get his bag, which Bill did with all the excitement of a ten-year-old on Christmas morning.
Santa pulled out a Santa suit. He held it out to Bill and gave the suit a little wiggle. The suit shimmered, disappeared and then reappeared on Bill.
“Joy! Look, I am Santa!” exclaimed Bill.
Next Santa pulled out a green elf suit and a pair of heels. He looked at Joy.
Joy looked at the outfit and gave Santa that look again. “I am not wearing …”
Santa wiggled the suit at Joy. Sure enough, the suit disappeared and reappeared on Joy. Much to her dismay, there she stood in what could be described as a sexy elf suit and six inch heals.
“This is so sexist”, complained Joy.
Santa sighed. “Joy do you have any idea how old I am. “
Joy was about to set Santa straight when she noticed a wide-eyed Bill ogling her.
“Stop looking at me like that! I’m old and unattractive!” she barked as she blushed a little.
“Wow”, whistled Bill. “Baby, you aren’t old and you sure as heck aren’t ugly! I don’t know how this night can get any better”
Seriously, Hallmark should hire me.
“Enough!” Bellowed Santa, we are wasting time. He snapped his fingers. Bill and Joy disappeared only to suddenly reappear in the sleigh. Instinctively Bill advanced the thrust and the sleigh took off into the night.
As they climbed into the sky Bill looked down to see his good friend Andrew’s house and his Mustang. Andrew was proud of his car and its acceleration. Bill leaned back into the sleigh. It’s cute Andrew, but the Mustang can’t compete with the Tomcat. He smiled as the sleigh buzzed off into the night.
After a few moments of enjoyable flight a red light started flashing on the sleigh’s HUD.
“What’s this?” he said with a start. “A surface to air missile? A MiG?”
He was carefully analyzing the screen when he heard Joy say plainly, “It’s probably the next house to visit.”
Bill looked at his wife and realized she was probably right.
“Coulda been a MiG”, he grumbled to himself as he guided the sleigh to the target, er, next house.
As the sleigh approached the house, Joy noticed a bag of presents glowing in the back. She retrieved and set it in her lap.
“I wonder what we do next?” She asked.
As the sleigh approached the house Bill noticed the light went solid when he pointed it at the chimney.
“Huh, it looks like I have a lock on the chimney”, he said curiously.
Joy could not see a way to get to the chimney, and she was none too keen on Bill climbing down one anyway. They would have to land and find another way.
Bill noticed a label next to a button on his flight stick. It said AG-Elf. It was glowing.
“Look”, he said curiously. This button is glowing. It wasn’t before.”
Joy looked at it concerned. “Well don’t press it until you know what it does.”
“Too late”, said Bill enthusiastically and he pressed the button.
Asphere of energy developed around Joy. Before it completely enveloped her, Bill noticed he was getting the look and getting it good.
The ball of energy that Joy had become suddenly shot from the sleigh to the chimney like a meteor. It squeezed itself down the chimney and then Joy popped into the living room out of the fireplace. She stumbled around a bit as she was disoriented and wearing heels.
As she regained her bearing, she could hear Bill in an ear piece she had only just now become aware of.
“That was amazing”, he shouted. “Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better! Who gets to shoot their wife like a sidewinder missile? Just amazing! Ooh I’ll bet she’s none too happy down there.”
“Oh some people are definitely on the fluffy list for sure. Santa thinks he’s got a list? No, I have a list, the fluffy list. Bill and Santa are on it for sure.”
Joy must have been mumbling.
“Joy? Is that you?” came Bill’s voice in her ear.
“Yes Bill, we appear to have ear pieces, we can talk to each other.”
“Oh my God, just like on the SEAL show! This is just the best job ever! I always wanted to talk on one of these. Oh, yeah and glad you’re ok.”
Joy rolled her eyes even though no one saw them. She grabbed the bag and carefully placed the presents. She also adjusted a few ill placed ornaments and fixed the garland.
“What’s taking so long”, came Bill’s impatient voice in her ear.
“William! I’m fixing the tree. Be patient”, hissed Joy as quietly as she could.
“Oh look, now there’s a green button glowing. It says retrieve.”
Joy stood up straight. “Another button?”
Bill pressed the green button.
Agreen corkscrew like bolt of light shot out of the sleigh, went down the chimney, wrapped itself around Joy’s waist and sucked her out of the house. She landed in the sleigh with a thump.
Bill looked at Joy with amazement. He burst into laughter. “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.
Joy took off her elf hat and beat Bill half to death with it.
And so it went for a while. House to house they went. Bill got to shoot Joy down chimneys, through key holes or any other opening the sleigh found.
After a while Joy started having a little fun. She got to see all sorts of houses and Christmas trees. She thought of all the smiling faces there would be in the morning.
At one point Joy noticed that one of the bags was far back in the sleigh. “Bill, darling, would you get that bag for me? I can’t reach it.”
“I’m flying the sleigh”, he protested.
“Oh for Pete’s sake, I can hold us steady for a moment, I’ve been watching you all night and my feet are starting to hurt.”
“Ok, fine, but don’t crash us. We’re making good time.”
Bill fetched the bag, but found Joy now sitting in his spot. He got next to her and noticed she had locked on to the next house’s chimney.
“Well done Joy, here let’s swap so I can get you down there.”
Poor Bill, only in that moment, seeing the look, you know the one, did Bill realize he had been duped.
“Joy! You wouldn’t!”
She would, and she did. She pressed the red glowing AG-Elf button and Bill shot out of the sled and down the chimney.
Bill popped out of the fireplace and stumbled around a bit. It does take a few times to get used to. But hey, thought Bill, that was real fun!
“Wow Joy what a blast! That’s super fun!”
Joy shook her head. Figures he’d like getting shot out of a sleigh like a missile.
Bill dumped the presents out of the bag and nudged them around the tree with his foot.
He walked over to the fireplace. “Ooh cookies”, he said to himself excitedly as he noticed the plate.
Joy heard strange crunching noises and then realized what the sound was. She pressed the green retrieve light. She was thrilled to watch Bill get sucked out of a house. He thumped into the seat next to her still chewing his cookies. He frowned.
“I didn’t get to drink any milk”, he said disappointedly.
Once again Bill got a look as Joy pressed hard on the throttle and launched the sleigh to the next house.
The evening turned out to be great fun. They took turns going into different houses. If the house looked interesting to Joy, she went and if Bill thought there might be yummy cookies and milk, he went.
Pretty soon they were all done, and it was time to return home.
Bill landed the sleigh in the front yard next to the lake. He helped Joy out and she followed him into the house. Santa got up and greeted them.
“Hey, your leg is all better”, said Bill noticing Santa’s ability to get around.
“Oh yes”, replied Santa happily. “I put in a call to EES”
Bill and Joy looked at each other and shrugged.
Santa nodded seeing they didn’t understand.
“Elf Emergency Services. I don’t if you noticed but delivering Christmas presents is a dangerous job. I’ve fallen off of roofs, gotten stuck in chimneys and one dad even promised to shoot me if his kids didn’t start behaving. I think he was kidding, but you can never be too sure.
“It looks like you did the job, Christmas is a success! Well done”, said Santa as he headed for the door.
Joy stepped in front of him, nose to nose. “Oh, we’re not done here mister!” she said with her hands on her hips. “You are on my fluffy list!”
Santa frowned. “Oh dear, the fluffy list.”
“We don’t dress women up in skimpy elf outfits and shoot them like missiles.” Her toes were tapping, even in heels. How is that even possible?
Santa’s posture softened and he looked Joy in the eyes.
“Joy I have known you since you were a little girl. I love you dearly. Sometimes a woman needs feel a little sexy, and sometimes she needs a little crazy fun. You did, have fun, didn’t you?”
Joy looked at the floor. “So, this was some kind of wild Christmas present?”
Santa shook his head. “No, your dog broke my ankle and your husband drugged me. There’s no way around that one.” He winked at her as he once again headed for the door.
“I have question”, said Bill.
Santa turned and looked at Bill. “Yes?”
“Can we keep the outfits?” he said with a grin.
Joy swatted Bill.
“Sorry Bill”, said Santa smiling. “They go with the sleigh.”
“Well what about just the elf one”, asked Bill with a twinkle in his eye.
“William!” scolded Joy as she swatted him again.
“Ok, fine”, Bill relented.
“I just have to know”, said Joy. “What happened to the reindeer?”
Santa chuckled. “Thought I sent em to the ol glue factory did you? Nah, they retired. They each live in different parts of the world raising families. They’ve all got book deals too. It’s the craziest thing. You should hear the titles:
Santa’s favorite reindeer
Santa’s real favorite reindeer
The government is hunting me and wants my nose
The love reindeer
Prancing is better than dancing
The comet situation
Thunder and lightening a true love story
A reindeer’s guide to ballet
101 Magic tricks from the Magical Reindeer
As Santa turned and opened the door he said,”Remember your firsts this new year. Remember your first kiss, first time you held hands. Your first date and any other firsts you can think of. You are still with the person who thrilled you all those years ago, things just get normal.”
And with that, Santa closed the door behind him.
“Oh wait!”, shouted Bill as he ran and opened the door.
But a puff of snow blowing through the doorway was all there was. Santa was gone.
“Darn it”,said Bill. “I wanted to see if I could fly the sleigh next year.”
Joy rolled her eyes and closed the door.
The End
Disclaimer:All characters in this story are completely fictional. Any resemblance or similarities to real people is completely coincidental, especially if you hated this story. This story is meant for entertainment only and has no objective or life changing purpose.
Deleted scene: Joy flies through a flock of geese sucking them all into the sleigh’s intake. Author decided the scene would be too gruesome for a Christmas story even though fictional Joy really despises geese.
Merry Christmas
