The Abyss

It took my mind as a child, as Nietzsche said, “... If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you”.

It didn’t just gaze though, The Abyss, it took my mind. It stole my sanity, my processing, my essence. One day I am sure it will have me in my entirety.

It lay dormant in me currently with occasional intrusions to leave me unsettled, wearing me down bit by bit. Dark imagery, horrible thoughts; I can not sleep, I can not think, I can not be.

I wonder with my mind no longer being my own how much longer before my actions are stolen from me too? Has it already begun, has it spread to the point where I am now the passenger.

I fear for tomorrow, I fear the day it has finished devouring my mind and moves on to my body and soul. When The Abyss wears my name, I become a spectator of the world. Watching as though it was a found footage film shot through my eyes, will I be spared the gruesome details?

What will I be forced to do?

When will I begin to be forced to do these things?

I pray there is some level of mercy, I pray I am not forced to bear witness.

How many victims have you claimed? Why was I the vessel chosen to house such a terrifying and terrible entity?

“Get help”

“See a doctor”

There is no professional that can assist me, there is no “help” that can save me. I have tried, I have tried so many times. This, this is just something different. Something otherworldly, something beyond our comprehension.

I can feel its claws like knives made of granite dragging throw my brain. Heavy, sharp and always examining for weak points to utilize to grab a hold of me. I can feel my brain tissue, ripping, tearing, opening up to make room for its new host.

My eyes aching from the added pressure of housing its piercing glare. It uses me as a window to see the outside world to identify the best moments to strike. To analyze the best moments to cause maximum damage and mayhem.

It uses my own voice to speak with me, the tone only slightly different. It forces terrible suggestions of behaviors inside of me offering them to me in such a way I question my own character. It is patient, unwavering, and stoic. It feels no pressure as time is of no concern to something that is eternal. With time in abundance it knows there will always come a time to strike.

It can hear my thoughts, I know it can. I can sense it dragging its ear holes against the walls of my brain rendering information as it continues merging with me. One day we will become one.

I can’t let that happen.

I won’t let that happen.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

My alarm starts going off, I groggily awake and look at my phone reaching out to stop the alarm. Stiffly I slide my legs off the bed, facing the window light shining the slats of the blinds. I looked behind me realizing my wife was no longer in bed with me anymore.

she must have gotten up early for her shift.

I look back to my phone, the clock showing it was just 8:45am. Walking to the bathroom in a daze, I begin my morning routine to get on through the day. Starting off with a morning shave I look at the razor.

I begin dragging the razor across my teeth and gums as though I am using it as a toothbrush. The blood and layers of skin fall into the sink and on the floor. My teeth falling about and falling out of my head, I continue brushing but getting more vigorous as each motion occurs.

Snapping out of the vision, I throw the razor back in place.

Maybe I will shave another day.

` Trying to calm down before grabbing my toothbrush and brushing my teeth. I begin washing my face, fleeting images of me slipping my fingers in my eyes shaking me up enough to be extra attentive to such a mundane task.

After wrapping up my morning rituals and getting ready for the day I grab a jacket and run out of the house. I always try to keep moving and never settle in one place too long. I find the more distractions I have to keep my mind busy the harder time it has grabbing a hold of me. Not to say this made things impossible for it, as through time the Abyss has gotten stronger. As for now, this was all I had.

I throw on my jacket, grab a water bottle, and head out to get some fresh air. It was honestly my vision of a perfect day, a nice breeze of crisp cool air but not so cold that it numbed your exposed skin. The sky was lit but not too bright, the cloud spread across acting to dim the sun. Everything was easily visible but not so bright you’d have to squint.

I get into my car and begin driving towards a local park with some great hiking trails that really help relieve a lot of stress. It wasn’t a far drive but it felt like forever as with each passing car I’d have visions of crashing into them at full force. Totaling both of our vehicles or more. Tires would fly off and crash into nearby bystanders, windshield pieces would impale me and any other drivers involved in the wreck.

Glimpses of the tragedies would play over and over with each car I passed. The more images coming in I could feel my stress and anxiety increasing, my brain becoming exhausted. It didn’t take long for headaches to begin, only to worsen throughout the day.

Arriving at the park I pulled into a spot secluded parking my car. Getting out of my car I took a deep breath in, something about nature was always so amazing. I walked down beginning on the trail, absorbing the sounds around me. Feeling the rhythm of the breeze, fulling rendering every color of the leaves on the trees as they have begun changing for fall.

Walking down the path trying to remain at peace, fleeting images striking my brain but not packing as much of a punch as I am able to find solace in my solitude. Images of my family all dying in horrific ways, friends suffering tragedy, even the horrible things I have done or said being replayed as if I could ever forget the monster I once was.

The spiraling had begun, it was not long before my breath left my chest dwelling on any terrible thought I had. I had a fear that when people passed on they would hear any thought you bore involving them.

Would they hear the implanted ideas?

Would they judge me?

Would they finally realize how unworthy I was of their love?

Would they truly understand the monster I am?

Would they forgive me as I have been trying to fight so hard for so long?

I feel exhausted, I feel drained, I feel fear, and I can not escape this spiraling trap that would contain my mind. Sipping my water I try to regain complete control and snap out of its grasp.

Going forward I see a young guy walking the trail towards me with a huge smile on his face. It reminded me how I used to love always seeing people so joyful, so bright.

I attacked the hiker, pouncing on him and biting down on his smile enamel to enamel, as though to prove who had the stronger teeth. Popping his teeth off one by one causing tears in his gums. Forcing out blood curdling screams and pleas for help and mercy. His hands pinned to the ground as he struggled as I continued sinking my teeth into his face removing not just his smile but his ability to feel joy again. He’d never feel the comfort of safety, he’d be recluse, his life forever altered for the worse.

I stood there frozen staring at him, only this time I couldn’t snap out of it. I was trapped, I could feel pulsing urges of violence travel throughout my entire body. My veins leaped nearly out of my skin with a craving to attack him. A tingling sensation buzzed through my entire body and instigated my adrenaline to enter me and give my muscles that extra push towards ruthless action.

He passed me, luckily I was able to fight back and reclaim my body as my own. However, there I stood frozen and in shock from the fear of what I was almost forced to do. It was nearly impossible for me to stop, the anxiety was crushing me and burying me under the weight of the pure terror. I have never felt so detached from myself, it was as though I was a passenger in my own body. While silent I can still just sense the Abyss inside of me laughing intensely, like a child who got the teacher to use foul language by writing a fake name on the sign in sheet. It was so full of bliss knowing just how close it is to having all of me. How close it is to being able to act on the visions it forces upon me.

I find myself hesitant to continue on the trail if being in public means I will be a true danger to those around me. I muster up the courage to keep going, I have to keep going as this is all I have left. The last thing that works to help keep these destructive images at bay or at least keep them from having such a stable grasp upon me. As I near the end of the trail, absent of any one else, I bring my focus to the leaves again. The warm oranges and near red colors painting the trees and practically glowing when compared to the gloomy gray sky. Observing some of the leaves falling, I felt some semblance of peace reaching the cliff that signified to travelers to turn back around.

I walk to the edge of the cliff staring out over all of the trees, the wind more intense here I just stand and take in the moment. I closed my eyes to fully engage my other senses, my sense of touch, my hearing, and sense of smell. I would let these senses paint the image behind my eyelids. I would let these senses be all I utilized to hopefully give my mind some form of rest and the Abyss less to hold. Just existing, it was so peaceful I felt as though time came to a halt for just a moment before I would have to go back to living.

My moment soon gets taken from by a slight buzz in my pocket. Taking out my phone I see a notification on my phone from my wife, “Hey, just checking in. I know you’re off today, so make sure you take it easy and get some time to rest. I may be getting off early today, so maybe we can cook some Swedish meatballs together when I get back. I already have ground beef defrosting so it should be good to use by the time I’m home. I love you.”

The only thing sacred left for me to keep me with small inspirations of hope. I sat down, hanging my legs off the edge of the cliff, I nursed the small flame of hope on things getting better from my dimly lit candle. Looking at my phone I simply replied, “I love you”.

I truly was not going to get better I presumed. Seeing birds flying I received violent imagery of crushing them and ripping their wings off playing in the background of my skull. Everything was increasing in intensity and frequency, and after losing control of my physical self earlier I know I could never return home.

I unlock my phone and send her a text:

“I love you, the time we have in life I cherish deeper than any other memory. All I ever want is for you to feel joy beyond what I can even attempt to give you. You have been nothing but a gift to me. Just know I will always love you, and cherish you. I am sorry.”

I hope she can forgive me for this, but I can’t live like this anymore. I can no longer be surrounded by never ending violence and stress. I can’t submit my body to no longer being my own, and just being a passenger in a body driven but pure evil. I take my pocket knife from my front pocket and drag the knife across my throat. My skin cleanly separates and makes way for the flow of blood from my neck. Rushing down as though it were waiting for this moment it’s whole life and the hole was closing behind it. My body falls limp, and I fall from the cliff.

My vision blurring and hazing, my hearing pulsating, and my airways blocked by pools of blood I could no longer breathe. I could feel myself slipping away, everything dimming and going dark. I saw the outline of a person as my skull made contact with the ground, extinguishing the last bit of life that weakly held on.

It all stopped. Just nothingness, no light, no dark, no sound. Just emptiness.

Was it over...

Please be over…