Dirty Secret

I couldn’t hear anything apart from the echoes of the shuffling tides. I shut my eyes and submerged into absolute darkness, I wanted to shut off all of my senses. For at least a little while, I did not want to hear, smell, see, feel nor taste. I floated with the warm water of Deadman’s Cave. I learned a long time ago that when you feel like you’re drowning, you must just float. Even if it’s for forever, if you value peace more than chaos, just float and the end might not seem so bad after all. Death was approaching faster these days, it felt like just yesterday when I was sitting in the headmasters office at the orphanage and she’d walked in and told me that there’s good news; I’ve been adopted.

What could these humans do for me? How could they ever understand? Perhaps I’ll run away, perhaps I’ll be better off on my own.

At seven years old, I remembered everything. The night my rogue parents were slaughtered by a werewolf pack that they had tried to overtake that left only two survivors. I was one of them, the other was a boy who was just a year older than me. We were both found by human police and brought to the orphanage, I was adopted three months later, I have no idea what happened to him. I think about him often, I think his name was Jeremy. We were friends, we played together, he was my first kiss.

Now, I am seventeen years and eleven months, I had just thrifty one days to find a werewolf that didn’t hate my guts, someone to help me shift. Every werewolf shifts for the first time on the first full moon of their eighteenth birthday, without someone to assist you, the chances of survival are zero. Most newborns drown themselves at the intensity of the pain, others run into the sharpest tree branch and stab themselves to death, some run off and never come back. I have always been attracted to bodies of water, I’d imagined that if I were to drown, then perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad. After all, I might not have chosen the rogue blood coursing through my veins, but in this werewolf town, I was the enemy, the odd one out and its members were waiting for the day that I shift alone so that I could finally die and their soils will be free of weeds again. I found out years ago that they were instructed to not help me, the only reason they haven’t killed me yet was because I was adopted by humans, it was far too risky. I wish it hadn’t been.

I felt the peace around me disturbed, I emerged from the water to discover that there were people here now. I recognized them as students from my high school belonging to the local tribe, The Serenity Pack. Two skinny girls, a blond and a brunette, I remembered their name’s immediately because they’d spent the entire decade reminding me of how unwanted I was here.

Jessica and Stass held hands and ran topless into the lake with their fingers on their chest while the guys from the football team fed off the entertainment. They giggled and toppled over and I was wondering how the hell I was going to sneak off before they’d notice me. Deadman’s Cave was a lake in the woods hidden between crouching willows and giant rocks. It was said to be haunted and therefore it was always deserted. I had taken off all of my clothes and was completely naked, I had been coming here almost everyday and never had I run into anyone.

I used a log to hide myself but my belongings were by the tree closest to the football captain Brett. He was also the son of their alpha, he was genetically gifted at 6 foot 2, his washboard abs and boulder arms made it easy for him to have anyone he wanted. Not to mention a face that made anyone’s heart melt. Brett had never looked at me before although we’d been going to the same schools for 10 years. Even when the others teased me, he never even acknowledged my existence.

Brett was the type of guy everyone loved, he was smart, funny and kind. I didn’t hate Brett, he’d never said anything mean to me, but I did resent him the slightest for never doing anything to prevent the others.

It was Jessica that noticed me first. She hurled out loud like she’d seen a ghost.

“Oh my god, we need to get out now!”

“Why, is there a shark?” Stass hollered.

I rolled my eyes.

“There’s a dirty rogue in the water-”

“Oh my god,that little creep was watching us!”

“Where is she, I can’t see,” one of the boys yelled out.

“The water is infected now, I need like ten showers-”

“Calm down, I’m leaving,” I mumbled.

I used my hands to cover what I could. I was still mostly hidden behind the logs, all that they could see was my face.

“Can everyone look away please?”

“Why? Are you insecure about your fat stomach?” Jessica said and Stass laughed like it was the funnest thing she’d ever heard. I didn’t bother telling her that over the summer, I had lost all of my baby fat because I swam and walked for hours everyday. As I approached eighteen, my assets of womanhood were like a puzzle being put together. My stomach had flattened, my hips widened and the curves of my waist looked sculpted. My breasts seemed to grow overnight into perfectly perky bubbles with the smallest pink nipples. I was not overweight Clarity anymore but I kept it hidden under XL shirts and baggy pants.

“No one looks away, she should have never been allowed to use the lake that’s on our territory, just because she was adopted by mortals, does not make it okay for her to use this land.”

The others stayed silent as they waited for me to make a move. I ditched the fear I had for them a long time ago, afterall, I would only be alive for thirty-one more days, who really gave a fuck at this point? I stood up at my full five feet eight inches and dropped my hands from my breasts. My straight black hair stuck to the sides of my ribs down to my left butt cheek. I could hear the gasps of surprise as I strut across the water, Jesscia and Stass were speechless and I could feel their eyes roam every inch of my body. I did not dare let my head drop, I got to the soil and looked for my things but they were nowhere to be found.

“Where’s my clothes?” I snapped at the football team who couldn’t tear their eyes off my breasts,” are you idiots or did you forget how to use words?“I asked, “where the hell is my stuff?”

“R-Roger hid it-” one of them stuttered without meeting my eyes.

I turned to face Roger who was another one of my ignorant asshole bullies for the past ten years,” give me back my stuff.”

“No, you’re a rogue, you should walk home naked like the savage you are.”

That was the trigger for me. As they all clutched their stomachs and laughed out loud while I stood there, naked, humiliated and dripping with lake water, I felt the fury of my boiled blood spill over the top of the pot. I launched for Roger, I punched into his neck and kicked into his legs. He tried to fight me off, he used his hands as protection for his face but I was still able to sneak in a few decent hits before someone grabbed me off of him. It was Brett that had me confined to his grip and against his chest. I had never been this close to him. I felt immediate shame.

“That bitch is fucking crazy!” Roger yelled out. I struggled Brett off feeling more embarrassed then I was before. The heat of my cheeks was intense and no doubt evident on my face.

“Where are my clothes!” I screamed out.

“After that, she should definitely walk home.”

“She’s a crazy rogue just like her parents, she can’t help it-”

“Fuck it, keep them!” I screamed out. I turned to leave and was fully prepared to walk home naked when Brett yanked on my arms and spun me back around. He looked into my eyes for a split second and I felt my chest swell. Is this the effect he had on everybody?

If so, then life must be so easy for him.

“Come on guys, quit being dicks, give her the clothes.”

“Why should I! She attacked me-”

“Roger, seriously man, you’re acting like a bitch. The cops will arrest her for being naked in public and it will come back to you, just give the shit back.”

Roger mumbled swear words under his breath. He reached into his duffle bag and whipped my sweatshirt and pants at me. I hurried to take them off the ground and blushed at just how naked I was. I slipped into my clothes as quickly as possible and did not spare them another look as I was rushed to get out of there.

I could hear the echoes of their inevitable murmurs.

“She’s a fucking freak.”

“I have no clue why the hell she hasn’t been kicked off the territory yet.”

“Just because she lost a little bit of weight doesn’t mean she’s not still a dirty little rogue.”

I felt a sob hurl itself out of me and once I started I could not stop. I cried out at my fate, and stumbling through the trees and soil, I cried at my life that could not be any worse. How horrible must it be if death seemed like the only good option?

I knew my parents were horrible people, I knew that they murdered packs and stole land and did everything under the sky to make misfortunes happen, but I couldn’t help but feel misery at their death because for sure life with them would have been better than life here.

My adoptive parents were not so bad. It did not take long for me to realize that adopting me came with a cheque that they kept for themselves. I could not call them mom and dad, I don’t think they’ve truly ever loved or accepted me. They lost their child a few years before adopting me in a car crash. I often asked myself if I was unlovable or perhaps they felt guilty if they were to love another child, especially one that wasn’t really theirs. They worked everyday and so I could hardly ever see them. We lived in a small two bedroom home on the poor side of town. The man; Thomas, came home every night from his blue collar job to drink himself to sleep. The woman ; Mary, worked night shifts as a nurse, she was bitter and angry most of the time and yelled at me if I’d touch her groceries. Two years ago I began to eat only what I bought and so I started working at a restaurant. I stored the leftover tips I made under my mattress. I often asked myself what was the point and that I might as well spend the money if I was going to die anyway? Perhaps I held on to the hope that maybe I’d meet someone who thought I was worthy of life. When I got home, the sun had gone down, the walk was over an hour but it helped clear my head. I walked past Thomas who was munching away at a pizza, he kicked a few empty cans of beer that were stationed at his feet and have been there for weeks now. Mary was nowhere to be seen and so I assumed she was at work. I slipped upstairs and into bed. I tried to not think about tomorrow and how it was the first day back to school. I could not imagine the teasing now that the worst people in the world have seen me butt naked.

There was no rush for the morning to arrive although the universe acted otherwise, it felt as if as soon as I had shut my eyes, the alarm went off to remind me that it was seven am. I showered, shrugged on whatever was clean and tip-topped by a passed-out Thomas and out of the murky house. Every time I was not inside, I felt like I could finally breathe. The walk to school was not long, it took me half an hour to get there, just in time to be the last in line to be handed my new timetable. I went to Serenity High School, the humans here had no idea where the name originated, they had no idea of the fact that half of us were shapeshifters, or monsters by their definition.

My first class was down the main hall and just as my luck would have it, across from the lockers where Brett and the others stood. I kept my head low and wished that I could blend with the walls as I made my way past. It was Roger that noticed me.

“Same clothes as yesterday huh?” he called out but I didn’t stop.

“Imagine being a dirty rogue, and poor as fuck!” Jesscia laughed out loud. They continued with the insults and I headed into class.

The class piled in slowly. The teacher; Mr. Ron introduced himself and what we would be studying for this year’s english class. Ten minutes into class,Brett walked in late. Mr. Ron did not bat an eye or snap at him, afterall he was the son of his alpha. Brett took the only empty seat right beside me. No one had wanted to sit next to the rogue girl, not even the human kids who hated me because the others did. I wondered if he was cringing secretly, he did not seem to mind.

“Oh, um can someone switch seats with Brett place?” Mr. Ron had finally noticed that Brett was sitting beside the rogue girl.

I wanted to hide under the desk.

“It’s fine,” Brett muttered and typed away into his phone.

I zoned out the rest of the lesson, I took out my agenda and doodled on the day marked October 6th for it was a special day for many reasons, one being that October 6th would be my eighteenth birthday, and if the moon cooperated, it would be the day I die. I drew a birthday cake and wrote with little balloons,′ Happy Death Day!′

Mr. Rob screamed out at a boy for the use of his phone, Brett who was actively on his carried on because the rules do not apply to him.

The bell finally rang to dismiss the class. I got up too fast, at the same time that Brett did and we crashed into one another. My books along with his came crashing to the ground. I hurried to grab mine before he shouted at me.

“I’m sorry-” I rushed to say.

“No, it’s my fault, I should say sorry.”

I froze and stared into his face. Was he joking? Is he about to spit on me and knock the books out of my hands? I waited, because if he bullied me, surely it would be more comforting than an apology but his blue eyes looked sincere.

I shook myself out of the trance, grabbed whatever was left of my things and rushed out.