Masks

..."We don't even ask happiness, just a little less pain —Charles Bukowski

Iretiola's POV

I was 8 years old when I first saw my father cheating on my mother. Each day after she left for work,a different woman would go into the house and they would play in my parents bedroom. I didn't know it was wrong,I thought it was normal so I didn't say anything to anyone.Daddy didn't even know I used to see him.

Daddy never acted liked he liked me, he only cared about me whenever mummy was around. All my life normalcy was my mum working and my dad spending,my dad beating me and my mum not knowing,my mum hitting me with her omorogun(turning stick) whenever I acted out,my friends torturing me and my little brother saving me whenever he saw them. Ademide would always come back and report to daddy not knowing how much trouble he was getting me into for not fighting back and getting tortured.

I was smart and funny but no one wanted to be my friend.It always felt like I was an intruder in my friendship circle. I was hated but they pretended to like me at least. Were they jealous?? Nahh I don't think so why would they be jealous of me, I wasn't as pretty or as curvy as them.I was a flat little 8 year old primary 4 student who always wrapped her pinafore around her waist so it'd look like I was a tiny bit curvy.

Jessica was the queen bitch back then, I never understood why though cause she was always stuck on third or fourth position at the end of each term,but I didn't care about all that when we finally got to primary 5 and she gave me a boy what hurt was that she asked me and my best friend Uche to share him. Silly right?? Two of the smartest girls in the class were fighting over a boy.

As much as Uche was my best friend,she never knew what was going on at home.She didn't even know when I rushed to her house to call her mother who is a doctor to check up on mum after the stitches she had gotten from giving birth to my new born baby brother had opened up from working in that condition.

She didn't know I ran to her house while my daddy was doing nothing in the house.

The boy that chose me in the end didn't know me at all he only knew what I had shown him and we loved each other. I'd like to believe he loved me cause I think I loved him too.

I was what you'd call;

"Lonely in a crowd"

After my primary 6 exam,we had to move to Kaduna State from Lagos State and I was devastated to find out . To top it off, after my graduation I also found out that my supposed boyfriend was cheating on my best friend with me.I was the side piece the entire time. I was sad and I desperately wanted to leave and we did leave.

We got to Kaduna and we moved into a beautiful 3 bedroom house where I was isolated for a while before going to write my common entrance exams in the private school around. I scored a very high score and was asked to start immediately with one of  my little brothers,the other was still a child so he stayed home with my daddy.

At this school,all the girls were friendly and I even had my classmates fighting over who'd be my school mother cause I was the youngest and apparently the cutest.I chose Priscilla though, she was always so happy that I wanted to be exactly like her. Everytime,the girls would huddle up to talk about their daddies doing stuff and buying stuff for them, I would feel heavy cause I couldn't relate,I couldn't understand what it meant for my father to care for me.

When it came to boys, I crushed on every single boy who showed me a little affection because I never knew what it felt like to be wanted.Back then relationships always felt like a cage, a barricade blocking all the want from other guys and I was to selfish to only be wanted by one person so i decided to stay single.

No one ever knew me till I was in JSS3. They only ever saw the funny smart girl who hated math. No one knew the real me still but Vanessa managed to scratch the surface because we were the same. Even he didn't know,the boy I liked so muchhh,he liked me too but I rejected him because I didn't want to get heartbroken.I was afraid of karma,i had played with a lot of hearts while growing.

I broke completely the  time my mum believed a househelp over me after my daddy had left.

Daddy tortured me and left me with scars because he knew I knew that he was cheating on my mummy. She wanted a separation from him because he was too useless but he thought I had said something so he always tortured me physically and mentally. He would always say "Just know that if this family falls apart, it'll be your fault" before he struck me painfully.

He left,he said he was going back to Lagos for greener pastures but he also went around slut- shaming my mother to everyone she knew.And before you know it,we had to move back to Lagos.

We were a family.Just the 5 of us,my mum and 4 kids.

Every night before going to bed,I would wait late into the night for my mummy to get back from work because I knew it was my fault. She had to marry him cause of me and now the family was broken because of me, I should have done something,I don't know what I could have done but since it was my fault I could definitely had fixed it.

Mummy took me as her best friend as I had no one to talk to in school.She shared everything with me and I shared everything with her till she got a boyfriend and she would go to the movies with him after work while I stayed awake waiting for her to get home.She started snapping at me more and kept believing the maids over me......I felt so alone .

I tried to feel happy for her, believe me I tried but I couldn't help but feel more jealous than I felt when she gave birth to my little sister.

It was like I didn't exist anymore but she tried to be there for me, she tried her very best but how was she to juggle her work, relationship and her kid,she was only one person it was too much and I understood.

When I started making friends in school,she seemed to never like any of them which made me keep quiet about my life.

My friends were always there for me whenever I was sad but it was too late,I had already given in to self harm.I would slam my head against the wall to feel something but that stopped working,I tried punching the wall and that hurt like hell only to disappear immediately and leave me a numb crying mess trying to feel something and then I found it,the solution, cutting.

I started with light ones that would later turn to faint lines and I started wearing sweaters everywhere after I grew tired of explaining to people that I fell.Then I started cutting to see blood.I felt the need to punish myself for my existence by cutting myself everytime my mum spoke horrible words to me in the process of scolding me.

Now I'm seventeen

Ademide is fourteen

Ayomikun is nine

Mojisola is seven

I'm done with secondary school and I'm not going to the university yet cause there's no cash and I understand.My daddy hasn't contributed shit since he left,no matter how much we asked and complained.At this point I hate him completely and I've taught my siblings to do the same.

It was pretty easy seeing as they take me as their little mum, their loyalty to me is unrivaled. He has had many chances to step up to his responsibilities and since he decided not to, he's dead to us.

There's difficulty in the whole country because of the new president and it's worse for my mum. She's always thinking and crying and it's so hurtful to see that. Sometimes she takes out her frustrations on me and I totally get it though I get angry most times. She's single now,they broke up months ago,I had never seen my mum so broken and I turned to the one person i thought was really my friend but i guess she grew tired of me cause she's now with her other friends and barely talks to me.The only friend I have is my neighbor that's older by two years. Olamide has her friends but that doesn't change the fact that we're practically sisters.

I'm there to listen and she listens to me as well,she consoled me when I finally realized that I was the only one who was in the friendship with my friends.She kept on subtly checking up on me and I appreciate that even if I didn't show it. It's hard and it takes a lot of effort and to smile these days. Thank God, I have perfected my fake smiles and laughs and nobody sees through my facade unless I'm too tired to put it up.

Mummy always expected me to be a mother to my siblings and its hard when you don't care so I got a lot of backlash from my mum and I cut often cause she uses very hurtful words. My other siblings would try to cover for me except 1,the last born,my little sister and I hated her,I hated her for how much she made me go through. It was always me against her, and mummy would always take her side because she grew up without a father figure, always seeming to forget that I grew up without one as well.He was a monster but she didn't know.

I am a beautiful girl and I know or do I?? Everytime I look in the mirror I'd see a cute girl but Everytime I saw another girl, I'd subconsciously compare myself to her and instantly feel ashamed of my looks.I was only ever beautiful in front of the mirror in my mum's bedroom.

Song for the chapter;

Alessia Cara

Scars to your beautiful

Xoxo~~Onyx🖤