What is your opinion?
Beautifully written
"Very beautifully written. I really liked the way you described everything and made me feel like I was in the story. So far it's a strong start, I can't wait to read more! I felt it was very heartwarming and I found myself laughing along with the characters. In a particular part the main character feeling insecure when looking around at everyone while in her own baggy clothes. I really related to this and you wrote it in a way that was so sweet and understandable that I wanted to help her and give her a hug. The only thing i would say is go through and look at the gramma, E.G. There is a part where there is a slash instead of a full stop. :) Overall I really enjoyed this story. Keep up the great writing!"
I see the vision! But it needs some work.
"I mean no disrespect by my review. These are the things I noticed, and will need some patching up on. You've got some strengths and some weaknesses here that can absolutely be reworked. To start off small: - Thoughts go in italics. - Frequent grammar mistakes - Sentences and dialogue need to be broken apart. Larger details: Each chapter kind of has one large scene and each of them play out consistently. There are usually setting and situational transitions within one chapter, but I quite liked this approach. However, I noticed there isn’t much fluidity between them. Work on your transitions so the reader is left wanting to know what comes next; or left with some anticipation/foreshadowing at the end of each chapter. Try working on more world- and character-building. Where is this taking place? Who is each character, why are they presented to me, and why should I care about them? Everyone is intentionally placed, but they lack substance. On my end, they’re just carrying out dialogue. Your description is good and not overdone--this kept me locked in very smoothly. Reactions are well-timed and actually quite relatable. On the flip side, they are also very dramatic. The characters seem pretty unrealistic without further explanation about how their environment has shaped/is shaping them. To elaborate, they're very status based, but why? Is their environment big on looks and flashiness and flair? I was kind of lost on this. The story is too fast paced. Each chapter jumps to the next thing without a moment to digest the chapter that just ended. It was hard to feel any emotion in what I read, and this story is about love, which is a deeply profound topic to touch on; a deeply profound feeling. A great example of what I mean is when Ava met the guy in the street in chapter three. They met, they talked, he gave her a nickname that she claimed to love; she was so infatuated with him; he swept her off her feet and at the end of that chapter, they were frolicking in the streets together as though they'd known each other all their life. Their relationship needs a lot more time to unfold. But the good thing is that you only have three chapters, and so much time to work on your story. I wish you all the best."
