Moving Forward
CALLIE
The Holidays have come and gone. The first Christmas without Josh was a blur, and I slept most of the day away. If it weren’t for Tori literally dragging me out of bed, I wouldn’t have even known that it was Christmas, because without my brother or father around it just felt like any other day. Add my shattered heart because of Artem into the mix, and I was in hell.
That first week without Artem Petrov had been filled with more tears than I thought I had left to cry, agony, and sadness. I was a complete mess. I couldn’t function properly without him. I couldn’t focus on anything for longer than a few minutes because my mind automatically drifted back to another moment I’d spent beneath him, giving him yet another piece of myself that I couldn’t ever get back. I couldn’t think straight, and I was sent home from work twice because I’d been a complete wreck and wasn’t able to get any of my daily assignments finished- which included more press for Sam’s big book launch party that was scheduled soon.
It’s the start of week two without Artem and Tori has tried her luck to pull me out of the darkness I’ve thrown myself into, physically removing my iPhone from my reach after I call Artem too many times in a night or taking my laptop away when I track his social accounts so that I can keep an eye on what he’s doing. She’s tried to drag me out with her a few times, but I just can’t make my body work the way that it used to. I know that I’m a downer and a mood killer, but I just can’t get out of the massive hole I’m stuck in.
Sam has noticed my off mood at work too and tried to make me laugh to take my mind off from the pain of the reality of being in a world that no longer contains Artem and all that came along with him, but even his half-told jokes aren’t able to pull a smile from me.
I’ve fallen into a deep depression because I don’t know what to do with myself without him. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to let him fade from my mind and my heart. I don’t know how I’m going to be ready to go back to my life before he introduced me to his world and broke me free from the chains I locked myself up in before he unveiled the woman that I hid away.
When I sleep, he’s there with his deadly green eyes and perfect smile. When I’m awake, he’s there with his unforgiving touch and his gifted lips. I see him down the streets, I see him in my mirrors, I see him at work, I even see him in the Restaurant I work at to help pay the bills.
I can’t escape him or the memories we created together. I can’t avoid his touch that still feels brand-new on my skin, even though I’ve scrubbed myself raw nearly ten times since I walked away from him last. I can’t escape his kiss that I can still feel when I close my eyes and touch my lips. I can’t escape the never-ending anguish inside my chest that tightens every time another tear falls down.
“You’re back home already, again?” Tori rolls her eyes as she walks through the front door to our loft apartment, juggling a stack of books and her purse. She is wearing a tight black pencil skirt and a plain white button-up blouse because she had to go help cater a Bar mitzvah this morning. “Callie you have got to pull yourself together.”
I know I do, everyone around me keeps saying the same thing, and I wish it were as simple as they all seem to think it is. I wish I had already cried my final tear over Artem Petrov. I wish I had already dealt with the last ounce of crushing pain over the loss of him and the way he made me feel, the way he made me put my guard down, the way I trusted him completely. I wish there were a way to erase him and his touch from my soul. I wish there were a way to delete his existence that is still very much alive in my heart.
We may not have been involved for more than a few months, but I know we shared something unique each time we entered his dungeon, and I submitted my body and soul to him. I know there was something fierce and beautiful that burned between the two of us each time I felt his touch or his kiss, or his body against mine. We were electric, and I know that connections like the one we have don’t happen that often if ever again.
It’s going to take me longer than a week to get over how intense we were together because for three months he was everything to me. It’s going to take a whole lot more tears and pain to get back to my life now that I’ve lost him. It’s going to take me more than a week to realize that I can still be all that he’s changed me into. But now I’ve got to be that woman without him.
“Sorry that we all cant be pro’s in the art of casual sex like you are Tori,” I say and pull my favorite blanket over my legs. “Some of us actually have feelings.”
“I’m going to let that slide because you’re heartbroken right now.” She raises a threatening eyebrow at me as she pushes my legs off from the couch to sit beside me.
“I’m forever indebted to you.” I shrug sarcastically.
“If you keep this up, Sandra is going to fire you.” She says as she pulls my head against her shoulder and begins to run her hands through my hair to soothe me.
Her voice vibrates my head when she talks, so I close my eyes and drift away.
“And that would be a shame because I know how much you love your job Callie cat.”
She’s right, I do adore my job, but right now I don’t feel like doing much these days besides cry and then cry some more. Crying makes me feel better, but only briefly until more memories fill my chest with a heavier weight than before, and it fills me with anguish all over again. It’s a vicious circle. I cry to feel better, and then I cry harder because I feel worse. And I don’t see an end in sight.
“Oh, that reminds me!” She squeals, jumping up from the couch and walking over to a red dresser near the front door, “You’ve been getting calls all morning.” She pulls open the top drawer and then tosses my phone to me.
The screen is alight with a new calling coming in.
It’s from the Hospital.
“Hello, this is Callie,” I say after taking a calming breath.
“Miss Sawyer this is Dr. Bradford, your father’s doctor…” Dad’s doctor says, voice warm and comforting, a nice change from the generic un-feeling tone I’m sure he’s had to master to keep from getting too attached to each patient “He woke up this morning.”
Dad awake?!
My mouth parts and I cry again, only this time relief floods me and fuels new tears to stream down my face. After almost four months in a coma, dad is finally awake.
“I’m on my way!” I cry into the phone, suddenly feeling full of energy that I can’t seem to burn off fast enough to end the jittery buzzing inside my blood. “Thank you so much!”
He tells me some more information before he lets me off from the phone, where I turn to Tori and pull her into the biggest hug I’ve ever given.
