Losing myself
Do you ever wake up in the mornings and think did I make the right choices? Did I pick the right person to spend my life with? Should I have picked differently? Every morning for the past three weeks I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and think what if? I cannot shake this feeling that I made the wrong choices in life.
I have been having these weird dreams lately, where I am doing things I wouldn’t normally do and experiencing things that normal people would most likely find disgusting. But in the dreams, I am finally free, free to be the person I have been keeping hidden away from the world. They feel so real that once I wake up I still feel the lingering effects left on my body.
I know something is happening to me. I know something isn’t as it should be and I don’t know how I feel about that right now. I am a 27-year-old woman who has three kids, a husband and a dog. I don’t work I stay home looking after my children. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, I would do anything for them just like any mother would. But I married young, my high school sweetheart.
Typical story of friends who became lovers and then become prom king and queen who then did the deed and well, surprise I’m pregnant. My future didn’t turn out as I hoped it would but I wouldn’t ever give my children up. I put myself through college and did the rest via online virtual classrooms. My diplomas of marketing now sit collecting dust and haven’t been touched since I received them.
A bang on the bathroom door knocks me from my thoughts as I suck in a sharp breath knowing my husband is once again in a mood for some unknown reason. For the past few days he has been coming home angry and waking up aggressive, I have no idea why.
I ask him he yells at me i try and comfort him he pushes me away. I caught him looking at me the other night with pure disgust on his face. I have no idea what I have done wrong. I open the bathroom door slightly but before I can even move out of the way the door comes flying at my face. The force he threw into opening the door has me cowering on the other side near the wall, he looks down at me grabs me by the arm hard enough to bruise and practically throws me out into the hallway.
I stifle a whimper as he slams the door in my face. I suck in deep steadying breaths and force the tears that are threatening to spill back. I will not show my kids any sign of something being wrong. I have to stay strong for them and find out what the hell is going on with James.
I am lucky enough that the kids are all still asleep despite the slamming bathroom door. I walk into my daughter’s room, brush her hair back from her face, and just stare at her. She is my little mini-me. We have the same colour pale skin, long dark brown hair small nose and big almond-shaped green eyes. My daughter is 7 years old but acts like she is 17. The attitude on her is ridiculous but she has a big personality, this girl will be going places one day.
I slowly give Aleaha a small little shake on the shoulder and tell her to wake up. Her school clothes are laid out for her so she knows the drill. I leave her room and go into the twin’s room. My twin boys are sprawled out in their beds in the weirdest positions which make me laugh. They are 5 years old and already starting school. I pull the curtains open and clap my hands together. “Wake up” I yell loudly. This earns me groans of protest and blankets being pulled over their heads.
“Noah, Adam get dressed and brush your teeth you have 10 minutes. I leave their room and approach my bedroom to throw on some clothes. I opt for gym tights and a singlet for the time being and grab a small light jacket, since I lost weight and toned up more James has been rather vocal about how I dress now and that I’m showing too much skin and how everyone is looking at my ass. I tie the jacket around my waist and make my way downstairs. I throw toast in the toaster and place some plates on the bench. I hear a door slam upstairs and thundering footsteps approaching the kitchen.
James storms into the kitchen frantically looking for something, I go back to making the kids breakfast when I feel him push up against me grab me by my hair and wrench my head back. I sucked in a short breath from shock and try to hold the whimper of pain back in case the kids came into the kitchen.
His breath lingers on the side of my face and it makes my skin crawl. When did it come to this? When did my husband start to repulse me? “Where is my phone, Serena?” “I don’t know, I haven’t seen it.” Lie, I have seen it and I through it in a fit of rage. He thinks I’m stupid, I know he is talking to someone. I know based on his messages he has been sending dick pics and sexting. He huffs out a grunt and pushes my head forward with such force I have to grab hold of the kitchen bench to stop myself from colliding with the toaster.
I hear the kids making their way into the kitchen, I straighten myself up and continue with my task. I place their food on the bench and then start packing their bags. I pick up the plates and pile them into the dishwasher while I grab my phone keys and wallet. The kids are all walking out the door towards the car when James comes up behind me and grabs my arm. His fingers are digging into me and I know they will leave a mark. “You’re taking me to work after we drop the kids off.” Before I can even reply to him he shoulder charges me and strides out the door.
When the fuck did this become my life? When did I let myself become this person? I am a strong woman and it is time I get my life back.
