1
There’s an expression, déjà vu, that means that you feel like you’ve been somewhere before, that you’ve somehow already dreamed it or experienced it in your mind – Neil Gaiman
I watched out of the car window as we passed the usual houses on the morning route. I let out a long sigh.
Liam, next to me, picked up on my uneasiness. “Is everything ok?”
I gave him a wry smile before looking back out the window. “Do you ever feel like you’ve done this before?”
With a laugh, Liam said, “Yes, we do this every weekday.”
This was true, but the true meaning went beyond that. My therapist calls it déjà vu, but that expression seems like a cover-up for something bigger.
Liam realized he had given me an answer I wasn’t looking for: “Maybe you’re thinking about this so much because of what we are learning in our psychology class.”
This was closer to the answer I was looking for, but I still wanted him to dig deeper.
He has been my closest friend since high school. I remember the day we told each other we had chosen a college to attend, and we both yelled out, “Brighthaven University!” Most of our classes were the same, and we started planning. We had decided to rent a room on the school’s property to split the costs together.
It was odd to me that we were so different in the depth of our thinking, even though we were going into similar studies. I was taking classes to become either a psychiatrist or psychologist, with the latter being preferred as of right now. Liam was studying to become a counselor.
“What do you make of deja vu?” I would like to get his thoughts on this to push his thinking deeper.
“I believe what Dr. Snoost has taught us. Deja vu happens because we have experienced something in the past beyond its full limitations. That is why it doesn’t appear as a memory but something that we can’t put a finger on the familiarity of.”
“What’s the last thing you had deja vu of?” I asked
He shrugged his shoulders. “I had deja vu just yesterday when you told me that you wanted to go out for Chinese.”
I chuckled. “That probably was just a memory formed as deja vu.”
“What about you, Olivia? What do you believe?” He paused before adding, “This should be good.”
“Well, what if we see glimpses into someone else’s life or a past life?”
He tsked. “What would your mother think?”
The sudden thought of my mom put a hole in my stomach. She was a God-fearing Christian. She wasn’t excited about my choice of degree or future occupation. Her last words to me were something about choosing the devil.
“Well, she already thinks I’m going to Hell.”
My words elicited a laugh from Liam, and I joined in.
“This is why you’re the one going to school for a doctorate in our field. You aren’t afraid to ask questions or think outside of the box,” Liam said as his laughter calmed.
I thought of all the times I had questions in my childhood that couldn’t be answered. I wasn’t sure if having them answered was much better. The theories about deja vu and the Mandela effect didn’t seem to hit where I wanted them to.
We arrived at the school and went our separate ways. Our first-class today was the only one that was different.
During the class, I couldn’t focus. The thoughts about deja vu flooded my mind.
“Olivia, would you like to share with the class what have you so zoned out that you can’t answer the question I am asking you?” The teacher asked, startling me to attention.
I felt all eyes on me. Truthfully, I would like to share my thoughts and questions with someone, but she wasn’t the teacher, and this wasn’t the class that would be appropriate for me.
This class was one of my prereqs: U.S. History.
“I’m sorry, I am not feeling the best today,” I said, hoping my lie would reach my face.
It wasn’t entirely a lie; I didn’t feel well. It was more mental than physical. I didn’t expect anyone in this class to understand. I felt as if something was missing, an answer I needed but couldn’t come up with.
“Very well, I hope you are feeling better for our next class.”
She dismissed the class shortly after, and I searched for Liam.
As my eyes found him, I noticed he was talking to a pretty girl. As I approached, her smile faltered for a second before she introduced herself.
“It’s ok if she comes over later, after our classes, right?” Liam asked with a tinge of a beg in his face and voice.
I smiled at them both. “Yes, of course.”
I walked away so they could continue their conversation and found myself in our next class twenty minutes early.
Dr. Snoost walked into the room shortly after I had seated myself.
“Oh my goodness, Olivia, you frightened me,” she said as she placed her hand on her heart.
I smiled at her and opened our textbook to the glossary, searching for the words deja vu. Page 166 was the next page I flipped my book to.
As I read, I felt the presence of Dr. Snoosk behind me.
“You have taken an interest in this?” Dr. Snoosk asked.
It had her turn to startle me as I jumped, not expecting her to speak.
Mimicking the move she had made with her hand on her heart, I turned to face her. “Yes, I am very interested in this.”
“Is there a specific reason?”
I searched within myself for the right words. “I don’t like any of the theories about deja vu; same for the mandella effect. I believe there is more to it.”
“Ah, do you have any theories?” She asked.
“Yes and no. I have theories, but they don’t hit the nail on the head either; plus, it goes against the belief of most religions.”
“Let’s talk it over, shall we? Let me see into that mind of yours and how it works?” She took a seat in the chair next to me.
The twenty minutes flew by as we discussed my questions about past lives or alternate universes.
She never once discredited my thoughts. In fact, she heightened them, encouraging me to do my research and write up a report for her for some extra credit.
As other students started to trickle in, she went back to the front of the class. Liam quickly found his seat next to me.
“Thanks for agreeing to have her over later,” Liam said, talking about the girl he had been talking to.
“I’m going to be going to the library after classes, so it’s cool. Plus, I think she felt a bit odd about you having a female roommate. It would be best if I weren’t there the first time she came over. ”
He looked at me with a quizzical face. “What do you mean? She was polite.”
“Dude, you didn’t have to be a psychologist to see that her smile faded when I came over.”
He turned to look to the front of the room. “Girls think way too far into things.”
Dr. Snoosk started the class by discussing the mandella effect. As she discussed all the theories surrounding it, she kept glancing at me.
My hands were sore from taking notes by the end of the class. This was something that I believed to go hand in hand with deja vu. A lot of other psychiatrists believed that, too.
The theory that they went hand in hand pushed my beliefs further.
By the end of the day, I had built up the excitement of the library. I wanted to hold the significant books about deja vu and the Mandela effect in my hand, along with the online journals that you could access on their personal computers.
I told Liam that I would call a rideshare when I was ready to go home and that I would let him know when I left.
He was worried and protective, something that had attracted me to him as a friend. He was similar to an older brother looking out for me. I knew I could call him about anything at any time, and he would be there to help or console me.
I was an only child, and my mom reminded me of that every chance she got. She had lost a son several years before me in her third trimester of pregnancy. Her husband, during that first pregnancy, had left her, and she had remarried to my father, who had died while she was pregnant with me.
The thought of him never made me sad. The feeling I had towards the loss of my dad was more of a longing. I wondered if I would have gotten along with him better than I did my mom.
I believe she resented me, as I was a constant reminder that her second husband had left her, even if unintentionally. She had never treated me well. My earliest memories of her were as cold as the way she treated me as an adult.
As I stepped into the school’s library, my thoughts were interrupted, but I felt at peace for the moment. I went straight for the psychology section and then found a spot at one of the isolated tables.
Three books in, I had only found more information that agreed with what we had been taught in class. There was only one more book to go, and I had a sneaking suspicion it wouldn’t give me any new information.
I was pleasantly surprised when I started reading this book. It contained the same information as the other books, but it also had theories on reincarnation.
I dove into the unconventional and niche beliefs that were held within the pages. They explored the religious beliefs of reincarnation within the religions of Hinduism and Jainism.
I found myself with more questions the further into the book I got. One scientist held a belief about the Mandella effect that was the same as mine. His, and my own, belief was that the Mandella effect was due to an alternate universe, one that we switch between.
There was no way to prove these beliefs and thoughts, and that is why this was such a tricky subject to breach. Yet, that is what psychology was; there was no visible proof of it all, just theories that we put into practice to see what the outcome was.
How would you implement the theory of an alternate universe? I pondered this as I took the book to the desk to check out and some more in the rideshare on my way home.
Walking into our rental house felt awkward. I didn’t want to disrupt anything that might be going on, even though I had shot Liam a text to let him know I was heading that way. He hadn’t responded, and my mind automatically assumed he was busy with the new girl.
Liam had had many flings. Several of them ended because of me, either because they told him they couldn’t handle being with a man who was so close to another woman or because he dumped them when they treated me badly.
“Liam?” I asked as I walked further into the house.
“In here.”
His voice came from the living room. I stepped through the doorway to see him sitting alone on the couch.
“How was the Netflix and chill?”
“Oh, she kept bringing you up. She said she couldn’t start anything with a guy who had a female roommate.” His eyes didn’t meet mine as he spoke.
I sat on the couch perpendicular to the one he sat on and kept my head down. “You know, maybe it would be easier for you to have a chance with a girl if I moved out?”
The look on his face as the words fell from my mouth made my heart ache. He looked distraught as if I had just kicked him out of my life.
“We can still hang out and spend time together; I just wouldn’t be living with you,” I added.
He shook his head at the thought. “What if we..” he started to trail off.
I knew where his thoughts were going. Had he seen me as more than a friend? How long has he viewed me like that? The thoughts of him with the other girls and the jealousy that had consumed me for years came to the front of my mind. I had always brushed them off at the thought of losing my best friend. I was never unhappy with his dating, but, to be truthful, every time he didn’t work out with a girl, I found a twinge of joy beneath the surface.
I looked up to face him. I could see the fear of rejection deep in his eyes.
“Maybe we could give us a try,” he said with a confidence that I credited to my gaze.
I looked at him to see if his face would change in any way. I needed to make sure this was really what he wanted. I didn’t want to ruin what we had, but what if it could be something more? I had always pictured him as an older brother, but what if I had been misreading it? What if he was more of a boyfriend type, and all of these other girls had felt that, sensed that
I moved to the spot next to him on the couch. “Promise me that if this doesn’t work out, we will still be friends?”
“I promise.”
That was all I needed. I placed a hand on the back of his head and pulled him to meet my lips.
The kiss wasn’t earth-shattering; it didn’t leave me weak at the knees or make my heart quicken. However, it did tell me everything I needed to know; it felt right.
Knowing Liam’s reputation, I mentioned that we wouldn’t be sleeping with each other right out of the gate. To my surprise, he agreed. He wanted to take this slow. He wanted this to be the real deal. So did I.
We turned on a movie, and I drifted to sleep before it got a fourth of the way through. I curled up next to Liam and rested my head on his chest. Sleep came soon after, and I dreamt.
My dream felt like deja vu. I even questioned within the dream if I had been spending too much time thinking about it. I saw a woman in bed with a man; another man watched from the doorway, holding a bouquet of daisies. I knew that the man at the doorway was emotionally pained. I felt the pain within me, too. As soon as the woman saw him, she covered herself and walked to him. At her touch, he started walking out until she ran to him and grabbed his arm. He turned to her, speaking words I was unable to hear, and walked out.
