Dear Summer

(Bishop's POV)

I just went to sleep 2 hours ago, and it’s already time to get up for work. I can never sleep anymore. Can never get to bed at a decent time. I have nightmares—haunting ones. About the night my brother was killed in the car crash. I can’t help but blame myself. Surely there was something I could have done.

Fucking drunk drivers. All he wanted was to go to the store to pick up a new video game. He was a good kid. I promised my mom I wouldn’t let the death of Elijah turn me bitter, but he was only 10 for fuck’s sake. I grab my phone and turn off my alarm, finally. As I always do, I clear all the bullshit social media notifications to check my email. Swipe, swipe, swipe. Bah! Nothing, but marketing emails, and some ol’ other bullshit. Oh! But what’s this? FINALLY! I'm waiting to hear back from someone about a job opportunity.

Oh, but wait…

It’s another rejection—false alarm. I put my phone face down and head to the shower. Letting the water run a bit so it can warm up, I go back to my room and grab my phone. Gotta have some music playing while I’m in the shower. Maybe it’ll help wake me up. Hmmm..

What am I in the mood for this morning? I scroll my Spotify for what seems like forever and still can’t come up with anything. Ah! Kendrick Lamar-Feel. That’s about how I’m feeling today so far. Once the song is playing, I click the button to repeat it. Before getting in the shower, I make sure the water is nice and hot before I step in. Ahhh. The water feels extra good this morning. It’s making me realize more and more, though, that I need a haircut. I’m growing quite the afro. Not like Huey Freeman big, but it’s getting to the point of annoyance.

Any time my hair gets this long, I know life is kicking my ass. I do not care right now. Luckily, I have good hair so it doesn’t look like a sheep’s ass.

“I feel like a chip on my shoulder.

I feel like I’m losing my focus.

I feel like I’m losing my patience.

I feel like my thoughts in the basement.

Feel like, I feel like you’re miseducated.

Feel like I don’t wanna be bothered.

I feel you may be the problem.

I feel like it ain’t no tomorrow.

Fuck the world.

The world is ending, I’m done pretending

And fuck you, if you get offended.”

I rap along with the lyrics of the song as if I wrote them. I feel these words so much. The burden of having to carry others’ burdens, others’ feelings, and praying for other people. No one cares enough to extend that same courtesy to me, though. Yet, I continue to do it. I let Feel play 2 more times before getting out of the shower. I always leave plenty of time to just sit around and bullshit before work. I would rather air dry after a shower. I also hate my job. I try to remind myself that it’s temporary until I get done with school, majoring in Journalism.

Until then, I’m at this retail job, dealing with these dumb, entitled, idiot ass customers. I love my coworkers, but that’s about the only enjoyment I get out of going to work. I’m over this shit. I’ve been working in this field for so long and got so good at it, but my drive was killed to be a top salesman and performer a long time ago. Money is no longer a motivator. I know, I know. Money should be everybody’s motivation, but I cannot bring myself to care at this point. We get hourly and commission here so that’s good, but when I graduate, I’ll hit six figures easily. Only two years to go. Two years of me restraining myself from slapping the fuck outta somebody.

But anyway, I brush my teeth, rinse with mouthwash, and go back to my room in my towel and just sit. I don’t even know what time I get off today. I open my work app to check my schedule. Nice! Off at 1:30 today. Easy work. Guess I’ll head out so I can get an energy drink to help me wake up. My clothes are on and I’m out the door. Black pants, almost a blend of track and cargo pants. Definitely not within dress code, but they look close enough so the manager lets it slide. Only good thing about that job is the coworkers. I just grabbed the first work shirt I saw.We have a lot. This one, in particular, is a shirt with a hood attached, short sleeves, and our company logo—a giant red S for Sonic Mobile. Alright, out the door. As soon as I walk outside, the sun slaps me in the face harder than inflation hit the country. Damn, this Texas heat. Here I am with leather seats and no tint like a complete dumbass. I love my car though, a white Lexus. The beeping noise on my car greets me as I place my hand on the door. Ooooh shit! It’s a hotbox in here and not the kind smokers make. So for me, a sauna is a more appropriate term. I stop by the store and grab a Mountain Dew energy drink. It tastes great and it actually does make me alert. It isn’t one of those gimmick energy drinks. At least in my case. Now I’m finally pulling up to this red hellhole. I put my left earbud in and press play. When I walk in, I pretend whatever song I’m listening to is my theme song.

“What’s up, Bishop?” Jose greets me first. It’s pretty slow today. Hopefully, it stays that way. Less idiots to deal with. Unless you’re buying something. Then come one, come all.

“What up, fam.” I give the up motion with my head.

“There go Bishop walkin’ in like he coming in to fight,” the assistant manager, David mocks the way I walk in. I walk in that way because I don’t wanna fucking be here. My music and my walk is my way of trying to prepare myself for the dumbassery that’s sure to come.

I reach the door to the employee hall that leads to the break room. When I enter the code to the door, I see Diego and some other girl I’ve never seen. I shot her a quick glance. She has long hair. Looks Hispanic, or Native American maybe? I don’t know. She’s cute though. She has on headphones sitting down at the computer, probably taking trainings. I motion “Who’s that” silently to Diego.

“New girl. Starr,” Diego says.

“Ah. Got you. Let me grab my tablet,” I respond. I wasn’t really interested in talking about her further.

“Oh, yeah, I need some sales today or I’m gonna have to ship you off,” Diego says, followed by a small laugh. I knew he was serious, but we have a way of hiding harsh topics behind jokes.

“Fuck you. I’m ready to leave this ho anyway. Please fire me,” I respond, jokingly of course. We share a laugh behind the banter. I hope the new girl couldn’t hear that. She wouldn’t know that’s just how we are.

I grab my POS tablet and head out onto the floor. Still no customers yet.

Guess I’ll sit on my phone and scroll on TikTok to pass the time. About 10 minutes go by and Diego comes over to me.

“Ey, you think you can let the new girl shadow you?” He asks.

“Negative,” I shoot him a quick, dry response.

“Thanks. You the best,” he replies, basically showing me that the question he asked was rhetorical. That motherfucker.

“Motherfucker.” I crack a smile and shake my head, still looking down at my phone.

On cue, the new girl comes out.

“Hey, this is Bishop. He’s one of our vets here. You can shadow him today. Any questions you have, let him know,” Diego says.

I’m not uninterested in helping her. I’m not annoyed at her, but I can’t really explain to her how burnt out I am here. So now I have to be all helpful and shit because she didn’t do anything to me.

“What’s your name?” I ask just to make conversation. I already know her name.

“Starr,” she says. She has the cutest voice. Now giving her a second look, she’s a little more than cute. She’s fine. Pretty face, long hair, beautiful skin, and she actually does her makeup well and not super caked on. She’s petite. The kind of body that you can have fun with. Not that I’m thinking of any of that. I’m just about done with women and their bullshit.

“Oh ok. Nice to meet you. Have any questions so far?” I ask.

“No, I think I just need to get out there and start doing it, ya know?” She looked up at me with intent. Like telling me with her eyes to let her do the interactions so she could do a hands-on type shadowing.

I just nodded my head in agreement. A customer walks in. Someone gets them. Another walks in, it’s—it’s my ex. What the fuck?

I let out a sigh. “Bruh, why is she here?” I say out loud, but I was talking to myself.

“Who’s she? You know her?” Starr asks.

“My ex.” I grab my tablet and head up to her. Starr stays behind. I look back at her and she shakes her head indicating that she doesn’t want to shadow me on this one. Chump! But it’s understandable.

“What you want, Kali?” I lean over on the display table and try to keep my body language tame. I really don’t want to look at her, let alone talk to her.

“Dang, what type of customer service is this?” She’s being a smartass.

“Fam, what you want?” I’m already irritated.

“Dangggg. Now I’m just fam? Does this look like fam to you?” She does a 360 slowly so I can see her outfit. She has on short jean shorts. Tight ones. Some shit she used to only wear around the house. This is how I know she’s on bullshit. She has on a black tank top. I’d be lying if I said she didn’t look good, but she’s a lying, cheating, jezebel. I can forgive, but I can never go back to that…I don’t think. I deserve better than that. Do I not?

“You here to buy something?” I’m still trying to figure out what she’s doing here so she can leave.

“No. I’m here to get my man back. Duh.” She gets louder. Other than the music playing on the overhead speaker, it’s quiet. I turn around, everyone is looking up at us. How embarrassing.

“Come outside, bruh.” I motion for her to come out the door with me. Thankfully, she does without being argumentative.

“Why you coming up here starting shit? At my place of work?” I get onto her immediately when we get outside.

“I’m not starting nothing, baby. I just miss you is all. You don’t miss me?” She asks in a seductive tone, getting closer to me.

I’m annoyed because yes I miss her. But I am also annoyed because it’s this ho’s fault that we are even broken up. She cheated.

“You only miss me because you and the muthafucka you were screwing behind my back didn’t work out. Fuck outta here.” I never talked to her this way before. Like she is a dude who is getting on my nerves. There is no sense in being nice about anything at this point.

“Ouch. You’re being rude.” She touches my face. Her hands are so soft. That one gesture brought back memories. Ones that I missed, but also that I wanted to forget. I moved my head back to escape the obvious trance she put me in.

“I’m not being rude. I’m being smart. I wasn’t good enough for you to not fuck some other guy while we were together,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“I told you that didn’t happen!” She tries pleading her case. Giving me puppy dog eyes.

“Oh, it didn’t? Then enlighten me on what did…actually don’t. I have to go,” I try to push past her to go back inside.

“Let’s talk later?” She steps in front of me.

All I can do is roll my eyes and try to avoid looking at her. I’m pissed at myself because how the hell does she look this good to me when I want to hate her guts.

Fuck…

I look at her with a defeated look. She knows it too. She gives me a “gotcha” smile in return. As if she can hear that my silence is words of affirmation.

“I’ll be waiting,” she says as she steps aside. She walks to her car, slowly and intently. She wants me to look at her. And if you think I didn’t watch that ass, you’re crazy.

I place my hand on the handle of the store door, my head tilted back, and I take a deep breath. I yank the door open with purpose. It feels so heavy walking back in. I can see the wandering eyes and greasy smiles. I am about to get an earful from my coworkers because this is a tight-knit group, like a family. They are definitely gonna ask questions and talk shit.

“Well, well.” Gordo has a smirk on his face. Asshole. As I look around the box store, everyone else is as well. The only one who isn’t wearing a douchebag smile is Starr. She has never seen Kali before since she’s new. Everyone else knows her.

“I don’t wanna hear yo shit, Gordo,” I snap back. Not being entirely serious. That’s just how we talk to each other.

“I thought you said you’ve never been to Cali?” Carson makes a pretty good joke. I can’t be mad at that one.

“Ohhhh look at you with the jokes. Okay, that was pretty good. I can’t lie,” I just laugh it off. I knew this was coming. I go back to standing beside Starr.

“Don’t get too close, she might come back and beat me up.” This little smartass joins in on the fun.

I’m not that tall standing only about 5’7. She has to be like 5’1. “Oh, haha. You too?” I sarcastically roll my eyes.

I catch a glimpse of her hand. She’s wearing a ring. Oh! She’s married.

“You’re married?” I ask.

“Yep,” she quickly replies.

“How old are you?” Now I’m being nosey. But hey, curiosity killed the lion, ya know?

“21, why? Are you going to tell me I’m too young to be married? Because I’ve heard that a thousand times already. Be original.” She got a little sassy with me. I can tell she was annoyed with that whole thing from hearing it over and over. So, I didn’t take it personally. People are always telling others what they should and shouldn’t be doing. I never understood it.

“I actually was not gonna say that. What does age have to do with anything? Calm down. Danggggg.” I put my hands out as if to give a ‘don’t hurt me’ motion. Try to ease the tension for a bit and show her that I was genuinely curious and not trying to rip on her marriage.

“See! Perioddd. I am totally happy with my decision and marriage,” she says.

Damn Gen-Z’ers and their lingo.

I hear the door ding—the sound that the sensor makes when the door is opened. Finally, an actual customer and not any cheating ass exes.