Affirmation

“It was so amazing,” I gushed, “Her lips were so psychedelic.”

Nick was probably sick of it. No explicit mention of how much attraction I bore towards her until yesterday, pissed in a park, it thrusted out of me. Some sort of peace fell upon me knowing I was bisexual and wasn’t afraid to admit my attraction for another woman.

“Yes,” Nick said, being nice about it, “I’m glad you found someone else you really like and Cilla’s a lovely girl.”

“Not gonna lie but you sound so much like my dad saying that.”

“Oh yeah. Does it really matter?”

“A little. Just Cilla’s so effervescent and she has a beauty which is so rare.”

My cheeks flushed remembering what she said at seven o’clock in the morning, smoking a cigarette, at the end of October. Goosebumps forming on my arms. My heart disintegrated at her calling me gorgeous. I actually believed it a little. She began to swivel a strand of my hair and kissed it. Our lips reunited and a flower could have grown from them. I don’t think I’d be able to smell Dove Deodorant without the girl with jet black hair and a birthmark by her nose flooding my mind.

“Yeah,” Nick swung on his swing. It was getting late in the evening. I couldn’t get the feeling of elation off my mind and that throbbing urge. Like I’m about to burst from my fervent attraction. I swung higher on my swing, almost reaching the sun, resigning to the night. In my reverie after redamancy. Still, there was a part which didn’t fully understand Cilla’s returned feelings. Like I was too much for her. Why would she want my bulging belly when I don’t want it myself? Jas, quit thinking like that.

“It’s a shame it’s nearing the end of half term,” Nick commented.

“I guess,” Well I felt excited seeing her face again but I knew I couldn’t kiss at school. In front of the boys who’d immerse all their senses in Lynx Africa and free porn.

“Ugh, the work,” Nick moaned, “It’s about to ramp right up.”

“Just when I found my first girlfriend.”

“Yep.”

“Wait, I don’t know if she’s my girlfriend yet.”

“You just know. I heard lesbians move fast.”

“Good point.”

“Enjoy the love for what it is. Feel free to take your time. Obviously be very careful because I don’t really want to witness another abortion.”

“Yeah, I will do that. Ugh, I don’t want to go back there. I can’t deal with the random throwing up and the tit pain.”

I mean my tits are heavy as it is. Pregnancy just made it worse and being hurt by Louis meant I needed to get over him but I was still tied to him in some way. I couldn’t stand looking or thinking of him, acting like things were fine when I felt like something was growing out of my control. The morning after the abortion, a sense of weightlessness spawned upon me. Like I reclaimed myself back from the claws of Louis.

“Obviously, I don’t want to go back on the pill,” I added.

“Fair enough.”

“If we do...” I gestured with my hands, “I will ask her to wear a condom.”

“Yeah, good plan. Obviously make her feel as comfortable as possible and ask what language she wants you to use.”

“Cool. Thanks for the advice. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m thinking so far ahead.”

“Neither do I.”