Issue 001
Penguins Invade Spaceport
Feral Neptunian penguins have invaded the spaceport above Europa this week. People are urged to stay in their quarters until an all-clear is signaled.
Citizens are reminded that, although outwardly cute, Neptunian penguins are violent and poisonous. No matter how strong the urge to “cuddle the widdle pengy” becomes, citizens are urged in no uncertain terms to resist and seek egress from the situation instead.
Spaceport Authority assures the press that the alien penguins will be dealt with in less than twelve parsecs. We are uncertain of what distance has to do with time in this situation. However, the statement was printed on fine letterhead, so it should reassure everyone.
Bed-Death Squads Approved
After heated discussions and several all-day filibusters, Congress has approved HR696969, also known as “The Bed-Death-Bill.”
Under the new law, sexual relationships lasting longer than five(5) years will no longer be allowed pleasant conjugal interactions.
“Most couples, thruples, and so on are already complying with the new law. This merely formalizes it.” -Lena Q. Porter-Smith-Jones, Congresswoman
The BDEA. (Bed-Death Enforcement Agency) will oversee compliance. Random bedroom inspections and refusals of friskings are expected to start as early as next week.
HEALTH WARNING
Several doctors and scientists have come out of a think-tank to announce that five pounds of gravel ingested daily “may be bad for your health.”
So, watch your gravel intake until the next study or think-tank announcement!
Space Bears Spotted After UFO Sighting
After an aerial light show put on by several dildo-shaped UFOs this Tuesday night, a group of space-bears were spotted in a local refuse dump.
“Mama said not to look at them weird UFOs up there in the sky but I done told her I’m eighteen and can look at them dildos flyin’ ’round all I want.” -Jo Beth Kate Ally Sandra McClean
The populace is still in quite a ruckus despite the space-bears being a daily sight at the refuse dump. Some have tried to engage the creatures in conversation but have been invited to be dinner instead.
“We ain’t seen nothing like them woolly critters before or after! Fierce hungry too! They done already ate Cousin Bob and Cousin Sally. Bless their souls.” -Pappy McClean
We strongly urge the population to stay clear of both the refuse dump and the space-bears currently occupying it, for the sake of safety and sanity. Except for Sheryl “Parsnip-Snatcher” Jones. She is urged to seek out the space-bears as soon as possible.
Weather Expected
Meteorologists are pointing out that weather is expected to occur this week. There is a high chance of wind (at some speed), sun (at some intensity), and perhaps precipitation (or not).
As always, this reporter and others are mystified by the accuracy and, frankly, balls of modern weather-soothsayers!
A Girl In Kalamazoo?
Have you, like the old song says, “got a girl in Kalamazoo?” If so, then a recent study shows that there is more than an 87% chance she is in a band!
Both informal and super-informal polls have shown that most girls (and some women) located in Kalamazoo, MI are in an average of 2.73 bands. Drummers and bass players have an even higher average.
So, ask your gal from the big-little city if she plays punk, ska, rock, emo, or something else. Chances are she’ll say yes to any genre you think up.
Satellite Records Hits 20 Million!
While it is uncertain what they hit or what they used to do the hitting with, we are assured the number of twenty million is accurate.
Check out this record shop in downtown Kalamazoo and you’ll be sure to find plenty of hits on vinyl to take home.
Spin up the music. Spin down the day.
Public Music Announcements
* Soundwaves can melt steel brains, when they are of the “shoegazer” variety.
* “Ghost Bunnies” NOT “The Ghost Bunnies”
* Every band is currently looking for a new drummer and/or bassist.
* Tip the music makers! Then, after helping them stand back up, slip them a fiver or something.
Karaoke is for everyone but not everyone is for karaoke.
