Chapter 1
From very young I have always known where I stand in the world.
I am a Woman
Because of this I know three things.
I am property, My purpose is to be breed and sire children and lastly us women are a burden to society, let alone our own fathers.
As a woman I only desire one thing, to never wed. The one thing I must achieve get by, to be useful in this vain society. But plans often tend to fall apart, and we must make sacrifices when the times call for it.
The lovely spring air, the scent of newly blossoming flowers in the wind.
“What of your adventures, my dearest?” he ask me from his rocking chair as I smirk.
“I still wish to be thought of as a lady to some degree father!” setting down my needlework on the table beside myself
“How is it coming along with Mr. Jackson?” He ask me as I roll my eyes at his question, “Swell?”
“I find it offensive that you of all people doubt my capabilities” I taunt as I stand from my seat, “I shall finish my embroidery some other time, I will start preparations for supper”
Walking to the kitchen as I begin. I was a lady of nobility, but I was still just a woman yet.
“I wish for chicken, with roasted potatoes.” I tell Matilda, only she knew the ways of the world and the kitchen.
“Will that be all ma’am?” She ask me as the baron enters the kitchen, the oddest place for a man to be, let alone my father
“Make sure to round up some vegetables for father! I cannot have the doctor here every single week” looking him straight in the eye and I can see he is serious, “Will you grant us some privacy, Matilda?” I ask of here as she simply nods and tends to her duties.
“I believe you know the importance of having Mr. Jackson’s account?” he asks me as I sigh
“I do” carefully answering as I walk closer to him, placing a kiss on his forehead. “You must not worry yourself with an account you already have” I say through a smile as he grins.
In this world there was only one thing that made my father smile, money. It was also the only thing that could make him angry, beyond recognition.
“There is my girl!” praising me, this felt good. A good word from my father, no matter the cost.
“Now I must check on Alina, I am sure she is to be bored in her room now” excusing myself
“Thea” He calls my name, “I trust you will be ready for tonight’s ball, ready for your duties?” He remind me as my heart drops with just a reminder. I wished to forget about tonight altogether, but cruel fate had only grown closer.
“I will” I say as I walk away, walking down the hallways farther away from him.
Arriving at her door as I turn the doorknob opening her door as I see her still there, in her bed reading.
“Alina?” I call her name as her eyes continue following the words in that dreadful book of hers.
“Yes” She answers as I sigh, placing the ribbons on her vanity
“Please for the love of all that is well! Put down the book?” I ask of her, every string of patience I am capable of holding me together.
“I suppose I could take a break” placing the book on her bed as she takes a seat in front of me, sitting on her vanity chair.
“I thought I asked Sarah to tend to your hair?” I say aloud as I pick up the brush, carefully combing her hair. The brush slowly untangling her black hair.
“I forbid her” she tells me
“And why is that?” I ask her as I catch her gaze in the mirror, her eyes suddenly falling, “You owe me an explanation?”
“I only like you to do my hair, no one else!” her dramatic way winning me over.
“Fine! I will wake up earlier to do your hair just the way you like” I let her win as she smiles
“I wish for something else, sister” I knew it!
“What could you possibly wish for?”
“I wish to attend the ball tonight, with you and father” She begs of me as I continue braiding her hair, trying to remain unbothered, “I am thirteen”
“You are not debuting yet, I fail to see a valid reason you should be in society at this age!” continuing to braid her hair, trying to ignore the anger burning in the back of my throat begging to be let out
The demon ready to be unleashed. Ready to lecture her in this moment, tell her how she was too young. She should wait for a man that contain at least of morsel of self respect and decency that would be extinct if she was to debut now.
But looking at her in the mirror I only saw my baby sister, and the frown forming on her face which made my decision even harder.
“You may not attend this ball” I answer her question, but the hurt in her eyes hurting me too deeply. I could not do what I had to do tonight if I had Alina there, but I was uncapable of breaking her heart.
“But you may attend the end of spring ball” tying the bow to her hair, securing her braid as she turns to look at me
“I may?” She asks me as I nod, her arms wrapping around my waist as she hugs me tighter and I can not help the smile burning into my cheeks, “You are the best sister” she tells me as I pat her head
“We will go into town tomorrow and purchase the dress of your dreams” I promise her as she smiles, I would die if it meant she would keep this feeling for the rest of her life. If she could stay like this.
“I must ready myself for tonight’s ball” I tell her as her giddy smile stays as I walk out of her room
In truth I dreaded it!
As Matilda cinches my corset tighter I cannot stop my mind from wondering. I knew what must happen tonight, the same thing as all the others. This time it felt different, the nights of my tasks grew longer and the targets grew more tiring, more tiresome.
“Any other garments ma’am?” Matilda asks as I quietly nod my head no
“Your father insist on you wearing the red dress tonight” She tells me as I nod
he has an eye for these sort of thing, after all he was a man. A man that knew what other men wanted, even if it was his one blood.
“Then we shall grant his wish” I answer her as I prop up a smirk to my face.
The last little embellishments placed in my hair as I sigh, pulling my gloves over my hands as I wait, waiting for the creak of the floorboard and the weight of his presence that I could feel from outside the door.
Hearing the quiet shrill of the loose panel from outside my door
“I am ready” I tell Matilda as she grabs my hand
“Will you be alright?” She ask me as I stay silent. I know I will. I just have to survive tonight, come the morning everything will be the same. Just tonight.
“Please send Alina’s dinner to her room, and leave a plate for father out on the table” responding the only way I am able to
“What about you, my dear?” her concern fretting her emotions
“I have a feeling I will have no such appetite”
Walking out of the room and meeting him in the hallway as he takes my hand into his and shows me to the carriage.
The horses start there journey and he suddenly breaks the silence
“Mr. Everette will sure be taken with you!” excitement spilling into his tone
“You will push the line” I remind him as he nods
“And you will give our new shareholder a good night?” He asks me as those words only applied to the men in this situation
As I look at him I fear he knew where my heart was. A father always knows, fine man or not. But my urge to please my father was far higher than any disdain I had for my future actions, and he knew.
“I will”
those cold words leaving my red painted lips
the night grew more and more blurry for me as my father supplied Mr. Everette with enough wine to subdue him for the time. The happy thought that perhaps with the next glass would be too much for his body. Perhaps if luck was on my side that death itself would take him before I had to. But unfortunately Mr. Everette is in good health and high spirits
“Does my daughter not look lovely tonight?” My father turns the conversation to me as I smirk, slowly taking a sip from my glass as Mr. Everette eyes find me.
Mr. Everette was an older man. Somewhere around my father’s age and the thought alone disgust me. I was told he was a noble man, one of generous but not grand standing.
I never ask my father about these men, the less I know about them the better! And I found if I knew they were wed or had daughters my age I would hesitate. In this world it is best not to hesitate. The more you dread the worse it is.
“I daresay she looks divine!” eagerly answering my father I smile with his answer and bat my eyelashes to him. Acting the part.
And suddenly my night ends early at my fathers request that I accompany Mr. Everette to the study.
It did not take long until I was tasting the wine off of his lips and the bitter taste of his cigar on his tongue. As he kissed me sloppily and fondled me I stayed their frozen. When they did this the question often crossed my mind, did they think I enjoyed this? Enjoy their drunken touch as they really just cared for their own short lived satisfaction. Feeling his hot breath on my neck as he mumbled careless nothing to me and the effort filled thrust as his hands fell tightly around my legs.
I stared
Staring into oblivion until he decided it was enough, until I felt him cave into me and fall breathlessly on my shoulder.
“Oh, girl!” He praises me as I feel more dirty with the help of his words as he carelessly braces my lips with his repulsive taste.
Propping him up on my hip as I lead him back to my father.
Watching as my father places the quill in his hand and the paper in front of Mr. Everette as he carelessly signs. Surprised he even remembers his own name as he smiles.
Business was now done.
“Father?” I call to him as the horses start their journey back home
“Yes, my dear!” his cheerful tone, I knew this time was as good as any
“I wish to take Alina into town tomorrow to purchase a dress for the end of spring ball”
“Can she not wear her gown from last year?” He asks as I smile
“She has outgrown it, but I am certain she will leave you alone if she is allowed to take another” I try
“Fine!” He grants it as he throws a bag of coins to me as the carriage stops. Carelessly throwing the carriage door open as he turns back to me
“You have earned it my fine daughter!” he praises as I watch him, “Opening you legs so we may close an account!” He yells as the liquor speaks through him.
Emerging from the carriage as I take my fathers arm and lead him into the house. We were lucky it was our estate, surrounded by miles of land and most of the servants and men were sound asleep.
My father blindly following me as I lead him to the table as he sits down. Pouring him a glass of water, setting it down beside him.
“Goodnight, father” I tell him as I kiss his forehead goodnight as he drunkenly eats
Leaving him as I walk across the house, stopping at her door.
I could only hope she was sound asleep, that she did not hear the commotion of father. And if she did it was something I could easily explain away.
Slowly opening the door as I look at the sight in front of me.
Alina laying in her bed, safe and sound.
With that picture in my head I retreat back to my room.
Before I can even enter my room I see Matilda standing there, waiting for me. It was midnight but yet she stood in front of me.
Looking her in the eyes no words escaped our mouths.
She knew as she nodded and opened the door to my room, she started drawing my bathe as I stood there.
Looking to my bed. I wanted nothing more than to collapse in it’s comfort but I could not. I would not fall into my bed reeking of a man as his touch was still on me.
Matilda quietly guiding me to the warm water as she strips me bare and watches as I lay in the bath
“Will that be all?” She asks me as I nod, dismissing her
Waiting for the sound of her departure, hearing my door close I felt it all again.
Suddenly my sight splitting as all the emotions fall down my cheeks from tonight’s actions
Sitting in my tub alone as mascara filled tears run down my face. Tomorrow was a new day, god willing a better one. But tonight was the cost of the good days, the hell for the good. All I could do was feel it.
