The Easy One
olivia - 7/9/22
read the description for story triggers.
At this point, I’d been going out with my boyfriend, Ernest, for a year. At the time, he was great. He was kind, always stood up for me, he’d found me at my lowest and brought me back. It was perfect... almost.
In that time, he was the best boyfriend I could have asked for, but the problem was I was also his boyfriend.
A part of me always felt weird when I was being called that, as if it didn’t fit. I mean, I’d thought it was because it was the first time I’d dated a boy, you know, nerves. But then I connected the dots that it happened other times as well: being called “son”, “boy”, “he”, anything linked to my gender really. It didn’t take long from that point to realise I was trans.
I hadn’t told anyone yet. I couldn’t. I had no idea how my parents would react, my friends I was also unsure on, and Ernest was the biggest wildcard. He’s gay, so telling him effectively meant breaking it off. But I couldn’t keep it up much longer. I was getting more stressed, uncomfortable, insecure, I couldn’t keep going like that.
So that night, I told him. After school, his house.
Ernest: Haven’t seen you much today, how’s it going?
Olivia: It’s been, alright.
Ernest: Just alright?
Olivia: Yeah. I mean, I had RE today, that wasn’t great.
Ernest: Oh my god, yeah, fuck RE. You know today I had a massive argument with Mr Reynolds. He just kept on going on and on about, like, divinity and shit. You know, the whole “repent or be damned” thing. I called him out on it and a shouting match later I now have a detention on Friday.
Olivia: Sounds fun.
Ernest: Yeah, luckily Andrew got one too for a fight or something, so at least I’m not gonna be in there alone.
Olivia: Yeah, at least.
Ernest: Right, what’s up? You’re acting weird.
Olivia: Can you promise something first?
Ernest: Sure.
Olivia: This is gonna change everything between us, so please can you promise you’ll try to react calmly?
Ernest: Why wouldn’t I?
Olivia: Alright...
In that moment, I wanted to go back. I knew how bad I felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to go through with telling him. But it was too late for me to turn back.
Olivia: I can’t be your boyfriend anymore- it’s nothing to do with you by the way- you’re amazing and I do love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m trans, Ernest. I can’t be your boyfriend because I’m a girl. I’m not ready to tell the others but I know I can trust you. I’m sorry, I just can’t hide this anymore.
Coming out of autopilot, I look back up at Ernest, expecting to see some sign of comfort.
Instead I got confusion and annoyance.
Ernest: Jack?
Olivia: I wanna go by Olivia now.
Ernest: ...Why do you think this?
Olivia: I mean- recently, whenever someone’s called me a boy it’s become more uncomfortable-
Ernest: That’s probably just internalised homophobia.
Olivia: What are you-
Ernest: Think about it, this all started around the time you got with me. It’s just that you’re scared of being with a guy as another guy. It’ll sort itself out and go back to normal.
Olivia: It’s not just around you though- I’ve been feeling it all the time- and I felt it before, just not as badly.
Ernest: Yeah, but you’re not a girl.
My heart sinks into the floor.
This can’t be happening.
He was supposed to be the easy one.
Olivia: Please-
Ernest: You’re not- how could you think that?
Olivia: How could I think that? It wasn’t easy to-
Ernest: Like, I’ve never once seen you express anything like that! You’ve never been that feminine around me, where has this come from?
Olivia: I- I was scared you’d-
Ernest: Scared- you’re one of the most impulsive people I know!
Olivia: It was never anything like this though-
Ernest: Look, I don’t understand it, that’s all. I just can’t see you like... that.
Olivia: We can still be friends, right?
Ernest: J... I think we need some time.
Olivia: What?
Ernest: I just- I need to adjust,ok?
Olivia: Look- Ernest please. We’re not gonna be going out, but I still- you are the best person I’ve ever met. I love you so much and I’ll love you as a friend too, just- please. I don’t want to hurt you.
Ernest: Look, I don’t wanna hurt you either, ok? I just can’t really bring myself to see it properly.
At that point, unbeknownst to me, he’d made his choice. But the gears were starting to turn in his head.
Ernest: Look, maybe I just need to visualise it.
He asks me to go next door to the other bedroom. His twin sister Vi was out that night, can’t remember why, but it meant we were alone, and that Ernest was in charge of the house.
Eventually, he picks out a black dress from her wardrobe and holds it out.
Ernest: Just a test, you know? See what you’d look like as a girl.
Honestly, I was terrified of losing him, and this seemed a be-all-end-all deal. I reached out-
Then I paused. Why is he doing this? Does Vi know? Can I really be sure about this?
Ernest: Now you’re nervous?
Olivia: I don’t know, it’s your sister’s dress.
Ernest: She won’t mind.
Olivia: Are you sure?
Ernest: Honest.
Olivia: Also, why do you wanna see me in this?
Ernest: I’ll be honest, it’s a bit for me as well. I know it’s far out but I wanna get used to seeing you like that.
I don’t know why I did what I did next.
Against all my better judgement, I got changed.
Walking out of the bathroom, he sees me for the first time.
Ernest: Huh, you look great.
I hate every second of it. The dress feels a bit too tight, the skirt is too short for me to be comfortable and the fact that it’s sleeveless really doesn’t make it any better.
Olivia: It’s not really my thing...
Ernest: Nah, you look amazing. I’m actually kinda liking this.
Olivia: I thought you were gay.
Ernest: I am... You know, who said you had to be a girl to do all this?
And there it was.
Ernest: Boys can dress like this too, and almost none of them pull it off like you do.
He slowly starts coming forward.
Olivia: Yeah, but I don’t wanna do this as a boy. I wanna do it as Olivia.
Ernest: Though you are rocking it as Jack too.
Olivia: Please don’t call me that.
Ernest: Come on...
He puts his hands at my sides.
So that’s what this was about.
Olivia: (yelling and pushing back) Stop!
I lock myself back into the bathroom and start to get changed back.
Ernest: Come on, it’s just a little fun!
Olivia: A little fun? Do you know how scared I was of telling you? Then you pull this shit!
Ernest: Scared? God, I think you’re overreacting to this, mate.
Olivia: I’m overreacting? You went into denial then forced me into your sister’s dress and I’m overreacting?
Ernest: Jack, come on-
I almost rip the door off the handles as I come out of the bathroom.
Olivia: For fuck’s sake, just call me Olivia!
I hand Ernest the dress.
Olivia: We’ll talk tomorrow.
With that, I stormed out of his house.
I felt like I was being a little harsh. Sure, he’d crossed multiple boundaries, but he was my boyfriend. He had to be alright with it. He’d come around. After all, if this was the easy one, what would everyone else be like?
