Chapter 1 Dinner
I start to giggle at the dinner table in front of Mommy and Daddy. We are having spaghetti and meatballs. It's my favorite! Sometimes, when I have had a hard day, Mommy likes to make me yummy food. And today, I had another hard day at school. I am extra hungry today, and Mommy gave me an extra serving!
“What’s so funny, Lulu?” Mommy asks. She smiles at me happily. She likes it when I am happy. She doesn't like it when I come home crying like I did today... Well, I giggle-cried. I can't seem to help the giggling.
Mommy says it's okay to be different and not to listen to people who don't understand me. So if I cry and giggle at the same time, it's just how I am.
“The lights said something funny,” I giggle, even though I’m actually scared. I know lights are not supposed to talk! I don't understand why it started talking to me. It isn't a radio or a TV. It is a light! I'm confused!
“What do you mean, the lights said something funny? Lights don’t talk, honey,” Daddy says. He looks just as confused as I am. He has his eyebrows scrunched up, and his head is slanted.
“I know, Daddy. Lights aren’t alive. That’s why it’s funny. The lights say that Daddy has a gun in his safe in the office. They told me the numbers are…” I think really hard. I remember, “72, 103…” I concentrate on the last number. “And 41,” I giggle again because I’m scared. “They told me to get the gun out of the safe and play with it.”
I didn't want to do what the light told me to do. It makes me scared. Guns are loud and scary! Why would the light tell me to do something like that? I don't think Mommy and Daddy would like it either! They would get mad at me! They always tell me not to play with things that could hurt me.
Mommy and Daddy look white and nervous. Their eyes are really big, and Daddy has that funny vein popping out of the side of his head he gets when he says he is stressed. Both of them are frowning down at me. I don't like it.
I giggle some more. I giggle because I don’t understand what is going on. I giggle because I’m nervous. Did I do something wrong, and Mommy and Daddy are mad at me? Was I supposed to not tell them the truth?
Sometimes at school, some boys pick on me, just like today when they took away my lunch. They get mad at me because I do things differently than them. They have been bullying me since I remember. I giggle then, too. That seems to make them madder, and they yell at me to stop giggling, but I can’t so I cry and just giggle more. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I didn't mean to do anything bad! I know that it's always better for me to tell the truth. Because if I tell a lie, I get in more trouble.
At school there is only one girl who likes me. She plays with me. She is my friend. Her name is Jess. She protects me from the bullies. Jess wasn't at school today. I did see a pretty black cat, though. She hissed at the boys and scared them away from me. Then she left me too.
But when she isn’t there, another girl shows up. A girl no one can see but me. Her name is Emma. She has been with me since I was 8 years old. She is older than me, and I think she is about 16, but I can't tell. She plays with me when I am scared. And she even protects me when she can. She told me today not to listen to the lights. She says they are bad and only want to hurt me... But I hadn't heard the lights talk until now.
“Did I do something wrong?” I ask. I can feel the tears start to form in my eyes. My throat hurts, and it feels like I'm choking. There is a heavy feeling in my heart, and I don't like it.
Mommy looks over at Daddy. Mommy looks worried, but Daddy looks really upset. I don't know what I did wrong! Why are they upset with me?
“How did you know about my safe and the numbers, Lucille?” Daddy asks. His voice is deep and serious, and that scares me. When his voice is like this, it always means I am in trouble! But I don't like being in trouble! I like being a good girl.
“The lights told me,” I giggle again because the voice scares me. It’s dark and spooky. It makes me shiver. I don't like it. I wish it would go away... Why did it have to talk to me today anyway? Now I'm in trouble because of the voice in the light.
I don’t know how else to say it. They did tell me about Daddy’s safe and all the numbers. What else can I tell them? I have never been in his office. I'm not allowed in there. He doesn't like me to touch and play with his things, so they keep the door closed all the time. How else did they think I learned the numbers if the light didn't tell me?
“Baby, you know we don’t play with guns, right?” Mommy asks gently. She doesn't look mad at me the way Daddy is. She just looks worried for me.
I nod my head. “Guns are loud and scary, and they hurt people. I told the light I couldn’t play with Daddy’s gun…” I shrug my shoulders, then fold my arms around myself to protect me from the scary voices.
Tears roll down my cheek. But I still smile and giggle. It's not a real smile as I hug myself. I do this sometimes when I am feeling uncomfortable. It makes me feel safe. If I smile, that means everything is all right. No one will hurt me if I look happy...
“Lulu, how did you know my numbers?” Daddy asks again. He is getting really cranky now, and I still don't know what it is he wants me to tell him. Why doesn't he believe me?
I point up to the light above the table and try to explain it to him again. “The v-voices told me, Daddy. They are in my h-head… Normally they stay at school. This is the first time the voice came f-fromm the light... b-but I guess one of them followed me home…” I'm stumbling over my words again. I do that when I get nervous... I stopped stumbling a long time ago with my speech therapist, but I guess I might need to see him again.
I giggle and cry because I really don’t want the voices to follow me. I am supposed to be safe at home, and the voice doesn't make me feel safe at all! They only make me scared!
“Honey, I think we need to take her in to see Dr. Baker,” Mommy whispers to Daddy while peeking over at me. I don't know if she knows I can hear her or not. I don't think it matters anyways. I like Dr. Baker.
Dr. Baker. He is nice to me. He has pretty stars in his eyes. I told Mommy and Daddy that one time, and they just told me that I had a very big imagination. But Dr. Baker winked at me. They didn't believe me that time either.
“I agree. I’ll make a call first thing in the morning. Something is wrong,” Daddy whispers back. He still doesn't look happy with me, but at least he isn't yelling at me now.
“She’s never lied to us. And I’m sure she thinks she is telling the truth… but-” I know she is saying something because I hear her voice buzzing in the back of my mind, but she doesn't have my focus anymore.
Mommy’s words get cut off by the light. It flashes bright red at me, but Mommy and Daddy don't seem to notice at all. They keep speaking to each other and not looking at the light at all.
“Don’t listen to your parents. They don’t understand. They don’t believe you. You need to come play with us. We believe you…” The scary voice calls to me. "Don't you want to be free to do what you want to Lucille? Don't you want your parents to believe you? They will never believe you if you don't follow us..."
I must have gone all fuzzy in the brain again because when Daddy calls my name again, he sounds frustrated. He grinds his teeth, and his face is turning red. I don't mean to get all fuzzy! It just happens. I kind of just freeze, and I don't know why.
“LUCILLE, I’ve called you 5 times, and you still didn’t respond!” Daddy grumbles. Yes, Daddy doesn't like it when I can't focus on him when he is speaking to me. He wants my attention only on him.
“Sorry Daddy. The light said you didn’t believe me and that I need to come play with them…” My voice shakes. Something in my tummy feels yucky. I want to cry! But all I can do is giggle and let the tears fall down my cheeks. I rock back and forth in my chair, trying to calm down, but I don’t know if I can.
Mommy sees me and rushes over to me and holds me in her arms. I normally don’t like being touched. But I love Mommy’s hugs. They are warm and safe.
I know Daddy loves me. But he doesn't hug me like Mommy does. He tells me he loves me, and I believe him. But sometimes it would be nice if he hugged me like Mommy does. Maybe boys don't hug?
“It’s okay, baby. You are safe,” Mommy whispers to me. Then she starts singing me a song she’s sung to me since I was a baby. It helps me calm down.
I cuddle right up into her arms and let her love me the way Mommy's were meant to. I want to forget the lights. I want to forget the voice. I just want my Mommy to make everything better. Maybe if I close my eyes, everything will be right.
