The Fifty Foot Bride of Mayberry

The clock ticks lazily on the wall. Sheriff ANDY TAYLOR sits at his desk, reading a report. BARNEY FIFE leans on the edge of the desk, reading a magazine upside down and munching peanuts.

BARNEY

You know, Andy, I’ve been thinkin’. Maybe I oughta start trainin’ for a more... specialized form of law enforcement.

ANDY

(smiles without looking up)

Specialized, huh? You mean like fishin’ without a license type law enforcement?

BARNEY

No, no. I mean big time. Counterintelligence. Surveillance. I was readin’ here about this undercover fella in Topeka—nobody even knew he was a cop! He was that good.

ANDY

Well now, that’s mighty impressive. But the last time you tried that your false mustache fell off in church… and landed in Mrs. Butterworth’s hymnal.

BARNEY

(loudly disagrees)

It was the humidity, Andy! The adhesive wasn’t rated for choir loft conditions!

(turns dead serious, makes his point)

Now I figure if I blend in real smooth, I'll just disappear into the background like a shadow... like a fox in the brush.

ANDY

(chuckles)

Barney, you couldn’t disappear into a crowd of penguins wearin’ a tuxedo.

BARNEY

(frowns, clearly wounded)

Now, that’s not fair, Andy. I been workin’ on my stealth walk and everything.

ANDY

Your what now?

BARNEY

(gets up and demonstrates with exaggerated slow, tiptoe steps)

See? Quiet as a mouse. Nimble as a cat.

ANDY

(grins, watching him take two full minutes to cross the floor)

Barney, I hate to tell ya, but that walk might work better for sneakin’ up on an old hound dog with a bad ear.

Before Barney can protest, the phone RINGS. Andy casually picks it up.

ANDY

Mayberry Sheriff’s Office. Andy Taylor speakin’.

(pause, then a smile creeps onto his face)

Well hey there, Miss Crump. How are you this fine mornin’?

(He listens, expression growing mildly curious.)

Uh-huh… yeah, I recall that ol’ fence. Been there for years.

(He pencils something with his hand, though it’s mostly habit.)

Well, I reckon that had to happen sometime. One section or the whole thing?

(more listening.)

Alright, well I appreciate you lettin’ me know. Why don’t you take a little walk around it, see if you notice anythin’ outta place—

(beat)

—and give me a ring back if you do, alright?

(He nods, already halfway turning to glance at a folder on his desk. Then he pauses, a little awkward)

Oh, what’s that? Well, thank ya kindly, Helen… I sure do appreciate the invitation for supper Friday night, but I’m afraid I’ve already got a prior social engagement.

(a pause)

No, not Saturday either—Barney and me are headin’ over to Mount Pilot for the league bowlin’ tournament. It came up a few days ago.

(another pause)

I know… always nice to get outta town a spell, y’know? I’ll talk to ya soon. Thanks again, now. Buh-bye.

(hangs up the phone, turns his attention back to his report. Barney’s been watching him like a hawk.)

BARNEY

Well? What was that about?

ANDY

Helen said the ol’ fence surroundin’ that gravel pit on her place finally gave out and toppled over.

BARNEY

The one topped with barbed wire? I thought that thing was holdin’ on tighter’n a tick on a hound dog.

ANDY

So did I. Guess time and rust got the better of it. I told her to check it over, see if there’s anythin’ she oughta be worried about.

BARNEY

(nods thoughtfully)

Mm-hmm… probably not a bad idea. Always wondered what that fence was for. So I did hear you turn down Helen’s supper invite?

ANDY

(real casual, looking at his papers)

You did.

BARNEY

(eyebrows way up)

What plans do you have for Friday night that are so important?

ANDY

(nonchalant)

Well, I got invited over to Sharon Black’s place for supper. She’s new in town, thought I’d be neighborly and friendly.

BARNEY

(drops his peanut)

Sharon Black?! The new blonde over on Dogwood Lane? Andy, that woman’s a bombshell! Looks like Marilyn Monroe and Lana Turner rolled into one—with a figure that could stop traffic on Main Street! Just her walk breaks all the Commandments!

ANDY

(grins, leans back)

Well… I ain’t one to argue with that.

BARNEY

(flabbergasted)

And she invited you to dinner? How’d you manage that?

ANDY

Oh, I just stopped by her place the other day to see how she was settlin’ in, bein’ new in town and all. You know, just being sociable. One thing led to another, next thing I know, I’m stayin’ for coffee. Then she mentions she makes a mean pot roast and, well… here we are.

BARNEY

Andy, you sly old dog! You do realize Helen don’t know about this, right?

ANDY

(looking mildly sheepish)

No, she doesn’t. I was plannin’ on tellin’ her later…

BARNEY

(leaning forward)

When?

ANDY

Probably Saturday. Maybe Sunday... after church.

BARNEY

(waves his hands)

Or maybe next week. Andy! You’re steppin’ out on Helen with a blonde bombshell and puttin’ off the confession? This is a small town. Word travels fast. You better hope she don’t hear about it from Clara Edwards or the phone tree’s gonna fry before Friday.

ANDY

I ain’t steppin’ out on anybody, Barn. I’m just being neighborly. Nothin’ wrong with that. I didn’t say I was going to marry her. It will just be a pleasant evening. That’s all.

BARNEY

Planning on buying her flowers? Wear a suit and tie?

ANDY

She didn’t say anything about that. It’s just casual. You know, get to know each other? Introduce her around?

BARNEY

Uh-huh. And the moon’s made o’ cheese.

(He smirks, then turns thoughtful.)

Hey—what d’you suppose that fence was put up for, anyway? I mean, six-foot chain link, topped with barbed wire? Around an old gravel pit filled with water? Seems a little… overkill, don’t it?

ANDY

(sets down his report and leans forward)

Well now, that’s a good question. You know old Clarence Wilson, when he owned the place, used to let people dump their junk there for a price—old tires and stuff. Don’t know why he put the fence up though. Used to have warning signs on it too but they’re all rusted away. Maybe he didn’t want folks getting in.

BARNEY (leans in, lowering his voice conspiratorially)

Or maybe that fence has been containin’ somethin’ in there he didn’t want gettin’ out.

ANDY (half-listening)

What, a weed?

BARNEY (dead serious, gesturing with his magazine)

No, Andy—bigger. Something that gets outta control… can’t be contained… somethin’ that threatens to undo society itself.

ANDY (half-smile)

Now what on earth would Helen Crump be containin’ out there that could possibly do that?

BARNEY (lowers voice, deadly serious)

I seen this before, Andy. Caught a picture show over in Mount Pilot—Invasion of the Mind Snatchers, or Body Borrowers, or somethin’ like that.

(leans in, points at Andy’s chest like he’s testifying)

Aliens, Andy. It starts small. Women actin’ strange. Asking questions they ain’t supposed to ask. “Why can’t I have my own bank account?” or “Why don’t you ever listen to me, Harold?” You know, creepy stuff like that.

(shakes his head, haunted)

Then before you know it… they ain’t themselves anymore. Their eyes get this look. Soups go unsalted. Kitchens stay dirty. And nobody—nobody, Andy—knows who’s bringin’ the deviled eggs to the church picnic.

(beat, leans even closer)

It becomes an epidemic, Andy. That’s how civilizations collapse.

ANDY

A movie you say? Sounds real convincin’, Barn. But if Helen calls back and says she saw aliens or anythin’ with claws or more than the usual number of legs… we might wanna pay that gravel pit a visit.

BARNEY

(stares, just a little too long)

Ha-ha. Very funny. This could be something serious. Like you know... maybe a woman's movement.

ANDY

No, Barney. I think it’s probably just an ol’ rusty fence fallin’ down. But just in case—it might not hurt for you to bring that police whistle o’ yours if we get called out there.

BARNEY

(nods seriously)

Right. And maybe a flashlight… a baseball bat… a holy book… and, you know, my running shoes. Say... (beat) (looks troubled) what's my police whistle for anyway?

ANDY

(calmly)

For you to distract whatever’s in there while I run.

BARNEY

(alarmed)

Now wait just a minute—I distract it? Why don’t you distract it and I run? You're the sheriff!

ANDY

(smiles)

Well now, Barney… you’re the one with the whistle.

BARNEY

Ha-Ha! Very funny.

ANDY

Maybe you might want to practice whistling something soft and soothing just in case?

BARNEY

Go ahead! Make fun. Like that's gonna work!

(heads over to the file cabinet grumbling—but starts nervously whistling the Andy of Mayberry theme song while rummaging through it, finds what he’s looking for and comes back with a file report.)

Here, this is what I’m talking about. That’s a state report about suspected dumping of toxic waste right here in this county. They never did find the dump site.

ANDY

(takes the file)

And you’re thinking it’s in Helen Crump’s gravel pit?

BARNEY

And why not? All the evidence points to it. You said old man Wilson would let people dump on his land if they paid him. I’m thinking we should notify the governor, maybe the EPA, or even... even—

(pauses, hands on desk, eyes serious and voice dropping lower as he leans forward)

—the F-B-I! That’s right, Andy. The F-B-I! They’ll want to know, and when they do, we’ll be right there, leading the charge for 'em, uncovering the truth!

(pauses, straightens, grins, thinking his idea a good one)

We'd be in all the papers, Andy. We'd be heroes.

ANDY

Barney, it’s a fence. This stuff you’re talking about? Probably dumped down some old mineshaft.

BARNEY

Or in Helen’s gravel pit! Could be radioactive, did you ever think of that? Maybe Russians? Or maybe its a giant alien's footprint from a UFO?

ANDY

(looking at the report)

This report is over twenty years old.

BARNEY

So is that fence.

ANDY

I’m sure Helen will let us know if it’s a problem. Meanwhile, you can practice your undercover surveillance and let me know if the phone tree’s start frying before Friday.

BARNEY

Say no more. I’m on it, like a shadow. Your date is a guaranteed top secret with me on the job. Yes, sir! I'll have this town under lockdown before you can whistle Dixie.

(practices stealth walk to the door)

ANDY

Just don’t let that fox in the brush get itself caught in the henhouse.

FADE OUT