Unwanted

Hurt you. Did he? Mother, he hurt. Did you hurt me too just to see that we can hurt one another? Left me alone with an auntie who hurts all the time. In the same house with different hurts and even different people. Separated by skin and bones. Pretending to do the same thing. One hurtful mum is very like another.

Jealousy can kill love.

Unkindness can mark one. It is nothing but it is everything.

My only thought was I could not see as being nearsighted. Dad knows me very well. They even own the joke. In the shared abuse they excel.

Everyone had a reason to kick me around abuse me to kill me even. No, I am not being dramatic. They had reasonable tones as they made their decisions. Incisions were made. I did not mean to be so silent and naïve but thought that if I were they would change their minds.

I am this creature who objected to being in the public. The private space I loved. They said it was a joke to make to relinquish my space. It became too much and now the objection is sustained. My private space is never allowed.

She hurts me. She hurts her own children to ma. I could have been a really bad mother. That would have amused you? Would it not? I could have been the worse of the lot bad nasty mother. But was not why mother? Everyone has a choice and I chose not to become a mother.

You left me to rot ma you left me to rot in poverty. When baths are a luxury and soap is the one thing one is with the precious jewel.

Then you pulled the chain and made off to this prattle land; when all you had was the phone to ask how I did.

I did better than expected.

Prattle land? And ask and ask again because you want to know if I am over you and getting better. When you found out I was insane too convinced that it was your narrow escape. Feared everyone would laugh at you. The narrowness of your escape as if an escapee at Colditz.

You knew how I did because you always were certain to ask. What matters to me and to you? We did not share this talk. We had a one-sided talk as if the talk was relentless.

“And how is she Zeks?”

How? Can’t you send me a card a greeting card a Christmas card a birthday card? Send me money so that I can get out of here. What would everyone say when there is not one card from you?

I spent the best years of my life in some hell because you were overspent. But it did not matter because there was youthful hope. I spent the day looking for a Christmas card for your mother and do you know what happened?

Jealousy can kill.

I only bought an expensive one because that is what I thought you would like and then missed your birthday. I did not realize I was two weeks overdue.

Forgive me.

Mother I humbly apologized for bankrupting my poor resources and sending you a birthday card. It was not to your taste oh to your taste. I'm elated you said she was indeed she looked as if someone punched her up.

Memory is like a sieve forgetting and forgetting forgave. Accidentally opened a box of Pandora. Somehow that day as I got the card panic set in. I walked and walked that long stretch of road before and then shopped for the horrid card. Panic set in like a gambler as I put the postage stamp on it. As if illicit enjoyment. I did not know why. Put it in the red letterbox. It was my D-Day.

Then she sent birthday cards to Zeks every birthday before she has forgotten. Now, what does it matter to me who she sends gifts to?

These worn hands are empty because they expect presents now. I am unhappy because there are no means to buy them the gifts which they hanker for.

Mine was the best one. Must not make them unhappy by overshining theirs. Her dear children keep up yours look a bit shady. Because now they will have to wait until their next birthday to top this one. How unkind it is too?

Grumble and they speak as if the silence is a thing of the past when the past we were happily enjoying each other. In our respective posts. I a mere servant not now the serving girl has left the premises and an angry annoying relative has come in.

How can it be that the wisdom down the ages is to topple cards like houses?

"You showed us all up. You want to upset us all."

But oily and slick you did pass the thing off. As a joke. I did not remember to send you a card like that and never did again. My intentions were strictly good.

I think it might have slipped through your tongue and you sounded furious. Into the phone it was inconvenient and the others would be sure not to be amused.

You see I needed Bob to accompany me to the café and there was something did not understand. I was about to dismantle pure evil and make something good. Did I carry the enemy too? Who knew?

Mother somehow disliked me having the stuff to think about. She said I should only think about my own folly and how I was a rotter to the core.

A job was too much for me self respect was insanity. What did it matter was she was always in there spoiling the whole thing.

"Do not encourage her Zeks."

Well of course she was not enjoying me having this perfect hobby and told her sister-in-law off. I meant no harm at all my dear said my poor auntie infatuation or love can be very painful.

As we were mutually delighted with each other then we said good night for the night. We went to our rooms made our tea and seethed in peace and quiet.

Tensions run high when there is nothing but mere puppets to talk to. Look at the puppet shows. They are always fighting.

Then realized it would never do at all. So ceased sending you greetings no went on the phone to ask for you to answer and for me to ask why?

Because of you being the worse mother in the world. They all try it on and treat me like some drag, for I am a drag. You are not making sense. I do all the little jobs that nobody cares about. I am someone whom they used to call Sardines. You are cramping our style.

Sold you to the highest bidder to make ends meet. Mother dearest there is nothing to sing about. You see they lost their home when I had been born and then where did they get their other house from?

That they destroyed me and made me an invalid meant that there was nothing for the future but for the future so bleak. Without a man of one’s own and fearing nothing but boredom. And alone and alone as if that was a song in my head.

I did not cry that night I spent it joyously planning my future. Night schools. I spent the night trawling through course materials in order to get through the aims and ambitions which I had set for myself.

I did not know that was to be my future. Not the bright and the glorious but dull and hemmed in.

I spent some time thinking about this and should a waitress do a little basic maths in order to improve her skills?

I was known to be a dimwit.

The joke went on for far too long.

Life is about grab and success and what had happened to this little fiend?

“Not ready why not?”

“Not ready yet maybe next year.”

“How many years?”

"That success didn't come near mid-life."

"Terminate her contract.

Everyone thought I was mad madness settled on us all. How to destroy me. How to make me know my place. To make me know that a woman without a degree by the time she was twenty did not belong in the human race.

"Start and finish this."