Psychoaffair

I always thought that people who kill themselves are completely sick, that maybe somewhere inside the brain malfunctions, that literally they are not normal because they do not know the true meaning of life, they do not know that in life there are infinite possibilities to laugh, there are millions of ways to be happy and suicide seems really an unimaginable choice in a world full of streets to walk and enjoy, definitely I was wrong.

I had never used a gun in my life, so when I bought a black nine millimeter, the first thing I did was go to the old ranch of my father away from civilization to test it, I just needed to learn the basics, and that the only thing I would required was one infallible shot at a close range to stop the suffering, I fired it many times, I tried loading the gun, cut cartridge, all the essentials, after half a day of practice under the intense sun I was ready for that date with myself.

I prepared everything as if it was a real party, even though I was hurting inside. I bought a bottle of her favorite wine. I prepared for dinner a delicious roast turkey, it was Christmas Eve, so I decorated the house with Christmas decorations, I sent expensive gifts to all my loved ones via courier with a very deep and personal letter detailing each of the amazing moments I spent with them.

I had dinner by the fireplace, this I shared with her in a virtual way, I remembered one by one each day we spent together, and when the clock struck 2:00 am and I was very tired, I sat in that rustic sofa where as a child I used to sit with my dad to create stories in exchange for chocolates, I took that dark gun imposed not only by its color, but also by the coldness of steel that covered, cutting cartridge without thinking twice and without hesitation I pulled the trigger sharply way back.

Strangely the gun did not produce any explosive effect, I pulled the trigger several times and nothing happened, I hit the gun on the table thinking perhaps to unlock any mechanism that might have failed and I started squeezing the trigger shifting it anywhere, but the more I tied it did not produce any impact. I was so drunk and my anger was so great by the helplessness of not even being able to have the freedom to decide about my life in that instant, I began to mourn with impotence and while I was there lying in my bedroom I thought of some other alternative to kill myself.

I woke up in the bed of a hospital room with my mother by my side crying in anguish with the posthumous letter I sent in her hands, the courier service was so effective, that by noon the following day most recipients had received the letter. That’s when I discovered that my family loved me more than I thought, that they really needed and cared for me always, everyone tried a thousand ways to make me give up my idea of ceasing to exist and stop suffering.

I sat there in the chair away from the door of that fancy office, desperate, looking just one of those millions of alternatives that I thought were not to let me die, lost in the desert of life without meaning; trying to overcome the suffering of not having her with me and crying for not listening to her piercing voice in my mind. Yes, life offers many expectations, but when only one can make you happy others are meaningless, ironically after two failed suicide attempts I was thinking of this as a viable way to end suffering, rather as the only way to eradicate essentially all of it in me. I do not give up easily and I have tried many ways to find the meaning to life, but all happiness compared to that which she provoked in me was meaningless, undetectable.

Her forgetfulness shattered me so much that to be alive was useless without her, I just wanted to stop the pain, I took therapies of all kinds, so it was that by chance one day in the waiting room of the practice of one of the many psychologists to which I turned, I read in a Journal of Psychotherapy on EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENSIBILIZATION AND REPROCESSING), appeared to be a modern and efficient methodology for the treatment of PTSD, with which in the opinion of several experts on the subject, express that patients who achieved worked hard on their problem, was developed by a doctor named Shapiro.

It seemed as a method designed in an appropriate way for cases like mine, where time had failed to diminish not even a little the pain of losing, or at least that was what I thought first, because although someone’s death seems to hurt more, in the end it’s not the physical presence that helps to forget, but it was that she was alive and near me killing me slowly day by day.

I read several books of EMDR before trying, until time came over me, the pain was a ball of relentless snow and I decided to take that option, I found a renowned specialist who had supported many people with suicidal tendencies to improve their lives, although it seemed my case, I had nothing to lose trying.

I wait half an hour outside the doctor’s office, while the air conditioner froze the chair in which I sat, which combined with my nerves froze my blood and skin. But my time away from her, valued nothing, I could have waited three hours and had not missed anything important in my life, nothing had value or meaning, so when I started reading this method I felt hope of finding the resignation that I was unable to find in suicide.

“Juan Martín, those cravings of suicide, what you believe them to be?” The doctor questioned me while I relaxed in the leather sofa feeling embraced me with its fine texture.

“I do not know, but there are infinite desires to have her with me”

“Could you try to describe how those infinite desires are?”

“I just feel they are unstoppable, I depend entirely on her; I feel as if I cannot breath every second I remember each eternal kiss I gave her; my heart speeds up without stopping closely vibrating with her chest on mine when breathing; I was unable to concentrate on anything nor the instant because her sweet and perfect voice pierces my mind, because I hear it everywhere I go, with increasing intensity that never ceases; my entire body trembles the whole day in torment and to know that I will never cover her hands tightly with mine, thinking that I will not feel as amazing that every part of my body has lived with her lips, her trembling legs brushing against mine. That makes me find a way out to this suffering of practically losing life, because my life is hers and just to think about not living another day like this, it’s something I don´t want anyone to fell, doctor, is a antagonizing feeling”

Just imagine all that I was describing, slowly the skin of my body changed from being frozen by the air condition, to intense sweating and vibrations of my hands.

“The trauma is formed by the fear we experience when we are confronted by a sudden, unexpected, life-threatening event over which we have no control and to which we are unable to respond effectively while we strive for it” the doctor explained to me, while seated in the same chair where I was resting.

I thought all was boxed around me, it was a sudden event that she had stopped loving me, unexpected because it never crossed my mind and life threatening because her absence bordered me to suicide, a fact to which I lack control, because I cannot control her thinking nor her life, less force her to be with me, and though I try I cannot tell you or respond effectively, simply I cannot answer, I only breathe because it is involuntarily.

It filled me with confidence knowing that the doctor seemed to know what happened to me and I was not a rare case, but a common disease in the world, maybe even simpler to deal with, is like when you hear the answer you want to hear.

We scheduled several sessions, three a week, to advance as quickly as possible, needed detoxify me from her and if I had to drink the entire antidote with one single sip I would have done it, for me I could come daily to take therapy and all hours of the day in order not to feel such pain anymore.

Day after day I felt we were advancing much because I felt the urge of suicide dimming therapy by therapy, my trauma was apparently an evolution, according to the doctor’s diagnosis, what occurs over a long period of time and affects gradually staying in traumatic state, as I was at the time I attended this therapy, it seemed that a reprogram of the information helped me to dissolve the trauma of not wanting to live.

We had months of grueling sessions, suddenly I felt we were not advancing but then sometimes I felt we were advancing a lot, suddenly I got scared to note that the desire for suicide decreased significantly, but my anxiety about it, my need to feel her closely and hear the voice, Carolina did not disappear from my mind for a moment.

I began to feel very afraid that therapy would have achieved its successful result only on the issue of suicide, but as for helping me with my trauma of losing her, it would not result as I expected, I started reading the texts I had about EMDR for seek an explanation and reduce my fears about the functioning of therapy, they were contrasting concepts that frightened me as I read them, but then thought it was just my suggestion and had faith enough to cope with this method.