Chapter 1
Are you dying?
Are you dying inside like me?
Does it hurt to breathe?
Do you feel a never-ending tug of war between your heart and brain?
I do.
My mind is still spinning, and I hate you for this.
Hate that I don’t understand why I can’t hate you!
Force myself to smile and nod that I’m fine; but inside there is a war.
Battles that go unspoken in me; I prayed one side would win and end my pain.
The tears keep running, and my twitching lip quivers for the caring crown, but inside I’m dying.
Silence has befallen my lips after time, and my cheek turned from showing my face to the world.
Afraid that, by a sick twist of fate, our paths will cross again, and I will falter.
My burning madness from confusion and pain might take temporary control, and nothing could stop that train wreck of emotions.
Would I walk? Could I even take a step?
Dare I think I’d call out your name?
No.
The disaster would be averted just in time by my brain, though my heart might burst.
Alone in my darkroom, I cry.
Dying inside and only getting older from this distress you left me with here.
Once I walked on clouds, high on the fake bliss you gave me daily.
The uplifting feeling of ecstasy. Followed by the crash of losing it.
Poison entered my veins once your lips graced mine.
Eyes bore lies into my head.
I placed my hands over my heart, which drove an invisible stake into my heart.
I never saw the dagger coming because your other arm exposed my back.
Spiders and snakes do not mix well.
Your eyes and lips danced on me and spun the perfect story for my broken soul.
I accepted my fate the day I met you.
The pact of trust of, love led to the ultimate betrayal known to man.
How could I have been so blind?
Shaking my head, I hear the footsteps outside getting closer.
I am dying inside.
A terrible burden fell on me to protect you; many will fall, but not you, no.
Throwing all your lambs under the bus to save your wolf hide, but what will you do after?
What can you use next to hide with after you tossed away those who loved and trusted you the most?
Do you even care, or even know?
Lambs are all used up, and the white wolf as yours indeed shows now.
The few lambs close by see your true self and run; I wish I had been with them.
A door opens, and warm, beautiful warm light spills in.
I lean back in my shackles and embrace my fate... for with this I end my pain.
Being drug to my final destination, I hear loud voices screaming my name in hate.
It is deafening, but I hope it will be over soon.
Such hatred in these words spat at me all for what?
My arms are free, and I fall to the hard ground, and with no warning, I feel a foot lift me with unneeded force.
I spin in the air, and to my dismay I see you.
Such a crowd for a lowly concubine as you called me.
With a single finger, you lift my chin to the light.
Eyes were shining with emotion. But not what I expected.
There is regret there, and I fight to hold back tears and rip my head away.
A woman, his woman, grabs my hair.
Slapped and tossed aside once more.
I feel spit hit my face and hear the laughter from the surrounding circle.
The sun is beaming down, and it is the only thing that brings me tainted joy at this moment.
I felt getting picked up and dragged to her, and soon I felt it.
It wasn’t unexpected as the blade went into my gut over and over.
She had a look of pure hate in her eyes, but not for the right reasons.
It was the look of a greedy animal who lost its toy and would kill to get it back so nobody else could have it; that was the toy’s true nature to her and the only reason to keep him around.
If only I had known before the tenth blow, I might have been able to save him — save myself.
Out of air, she leaves and shoves the blade into his hand and tells him to prove his love to her: finish me, finish the evil that “tricked” him out of her arms.
Yes, finish me and kill these memories!
I longed for death, for one more day of breaking into silence or sobs of pain over you would be a fate worse than death.
He sees my desperation for the sweet release of death, and as he approaches, a thousand memories flood me.
When we met, our first laugh, that trust, and the bond we grew, the passion and heat between us.
Sitting in silence, with our lips never having to part to explain our feelings
The taste of his lips on me, the warmth of his hug, and when he wiped away the tears and told me it’s all okay.
Merely an inch away, you let loose a tear.
Please don’t let me suffer anymore!
You bring up the blade.
I smile and nod at you, telling you it’s okay. I forgive you with my eyes and close them and wait.
My mind goes back to the first time we held each other and the last and how I felt so safe and warm nothing could hurt me.
The blade doesn’t come, but I feel two giant hands lift me upward.
My eyes fly open as I see a crowd of people coming towards us.
NO! NO! NO!
IT HAS TO END PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME!
The men got tackled, and I fell, and I saw him.
He drops the blade, and she quickly points the blame all on him, saying he was a jaded lover.
Such bittersweet irony coming from such a horrible person.
I made many mistakes, but before my end, I was going to make it right.
I summoned all my energy and pushed myself up and took a step toward the new mob.
Pointing my finger at her with my left hand and holding my stomach with my right, I crawled to him.
She saw me and turned pale; she didn’t know I refuse to die until I am ready.
The people understood quickly, and someone dragged her away kicking and screaming.
Why didn’t this bring me any solace?
With the brief life I had left in me, I dared to look him dead in the eye.
My heart leaped, and then I fell.
I felt something slice into my back as I hit the ground, and looking to see what it was, I saw the blade.
Such irony.
My vision blurred, and I was ready.
I saw what I needed to.
Sometimes darkness can show you the light.
