The test
She hadn’t used it in a while because she didn’t like the looks she got whenever she used his car. The windows were tinted so dark you couldn’t see inside, but she didn’t miss the stares.
Sometimes, looks of curiosity; most times, looks of fear. But they were always surprised when it was her who came out of the car instead of him.
Today, she didn’t want unnecessary looks or stares. She used her truck as much as it annoyed him; she didn't care.
She heads towards the building to make her appointment, to re-up on birth control. There was a chill to the air, and she gripped her jacket tighter around her. She hadn’t bothered to zip it.
She wanted to pretend she wasn’t nervous or nauseous. She had told him that’s what this appointment was, and that she wanted to go alone.
Not that he would come with her, but sometimes he would send one of his sisters with her to run errands or go to appointments.
She was 16 minutes early. And the more she sat in the truck, the more anxious and stressed she got, so she figured she’d just go in.
It was a small office. The waiting room consisted of four chairs and a small coffee table.
She went up to the front desk to check in, apologizing for being early.
The woman gave her a clipboard with a few papers to fill out. She was a new patient there.
The more she answered on the paper, the more sweaty she got. Her last cycle was over 6 weeks ago. Writing it down felt like she was bringing her sin to life.
She knew there was a chance she could be.
The thought alone made her stomach churn. This wasn’t the right way of doing things.
Or it could be her birth control causing her irregular cycles. She tried to calm herself. When she had been pregnant with Ryan, she had more exaggerated symptoms.
This didn’t mean anything. She told herself, even though her heart was pounding in her chest.
The woman who checked her in took her to a bathroom.
“There are sample cups in the bathroom on the shelf to the right. Put your last name on the cup, and you can place it on the counter. You can head into room two when you’re done.”
She could feel the sweat on the back of her neck.
This was just protocol, she told herself, and she locked the door of the bathroom, looking at the basket of cups.
She knew this was the real reason she came to confirm a fear or bring peace to her overactive mind.
She had known better than to buy a test; the whole town would know and tell him about it even if it turned out to be negative.
Her hands shook as she wrote her name on the cup. Karakai S. She didn't bother writing her last name; her first name was weird enough not to be confused with anyone else.
She would be more than fine if it came back negative. She was hoping it would be.
She was happy with the situation she was in. He called her his. She never questioned where she stood, even though deep down she remembered their first and only conversation about it.
“This is just fun, nothing official, so don’t get your feelings involved with us. There is no us. Just sex, and to be clear, you need to be on birth control. I won’t have kids with you.” His words rang louder in her head these last few days.
He had said that after a week of them sneaking off for quickies left and right. They had been unable to take their hands off each other in the beginning.
That was almost a year ago. But she has never asked him again what they were, not since that conversation.
She still had the house she owned, which had all her furniture and some of Ryan’s.
He had bought Ryan new furniture and made a room for him at his house. Where they all lived, playing house, pretending to be one big happy family.
Except he had said it wasn’t going to be officially anything. Yet 4 months after that conversation, she met his family, and they had moved in together. Things were good.
But now, her perfect fucked up reality was crumbling.
He was too rough around the edges; he wouldn’t handle a baby. He could handle Ryan, but Ryan was potty-trained and didn’t cry at all hours anymore.
She knew exactly what he would tell her to do, so she hadn’t bothered asking. Or even telling him of her suspicion that she could be.
She couldn’t bring herself to think about it. To say the word would make it real. And it wasn't real.
She filled the cup most of the way full before screwing a lid on.
She scrubbed her hands as if she could scrub away the sin and the evidence as she eyed the half-filled cup.
The thing that would either confirm or calm her fears. Didn't weigh much but felt heavy in her hand.
There’s a small counter with a paper towel, and a small handwritten sign that reads 'cup here, please'.
She placed it there and headed towards room two.
She sat on the exam table, the paper crinkling under her.
A few moments later, the doctor came in and introduced herself.
Instantly, the doctor could feel that something was wrong. Her patient looked anxious.
“Just an annual checkup? Or do you have some concerns?”
“I need more birth control. I’m about to run out.”
Her voice was tight, forced even. The doctor knew who she was. Everybody in town knew who she was.
She was Dimitri’s girl. She would need something strong to avoid pregnancy with him.
The doctor was surprised that she didn’t come sooner.
Maybe he hadn’t wanted her to. Maybe she was here without him knowing. And that thought alone made the doctor nervous.
That wasn’t uncommon for men to want offspring, even if it was the woman who had to do all the labor for it. But if he found out they had gone against his desires.
The doctor swallowed back her fear before she spoke again. Remaining professional, she had treated influential patients before; this was nothing new.
“All right, let’s just do a quick checkup. I’ll have you undress from the waist down, and I’ll step out. There is a paper sheet,” she said, reaching into the cabinet and handing it to her. “ You can cover your legs with this.”
After the pelvic exam was done, the doctor told her she could scoot back. And she covered herself with the thin paper blanket that threatened to rip every time she moved it.
Not that she was shy about showing her body, all things considered. But that was different, and she felt vulnerable.
She was doing her best to put on a brave face. No news was good news, right?
“Alright, you can get dressed and-” There was a knock at her door.
The medical assistant was there, and she whispered something.
“I’ll be back.” The doctor said, closing the door behind her. She felt a rock drop in her stomach.
