REDEEMED

EVA

I first met Curt when we were in highschool – I was a freshman and he was two years older. I was only in school two days before he introduced himself to me and asked me out, after which we were inseparable. Curt quickly became my everything.

My schoolwork suffered because of the time demands he made on me, my friends stopped coming around and hanging out because if I did have free time, I wanted to be with Curt. I even lost my part-time job at the grocery store because I was late so many times or didn’t show up at all, it all depended on what Curt was doing. Curt was one of those ‘big man on campus’ types which meant he was friends with everyone and well-liked by all. I was head over heels crazy for Curt and there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him or to be with him. I didn’t go to my Nan’s funeral because it meant being away from home and Curt for three days, so I lied and said I couldn’t get the time off from work.

When the time came, after dating for several months, I lost my virginity to Curt. We were at a house party and making out on top of the piles of jackets on the bed. While loud voices, laughter and dancing music pounded through the wall, Curt pulled my panties down and entered me. It was my first time but not his so I don’t know if I put unrealistic expectations on him but I had hoped he would make my first time special. Instead, I got a painful quickie that resulted in a pregnancy test a matter of weeks later. Thankfully I wasn’t pregnant at 15 but it was enough of a scare for me to get myself on the pill. The one time I asked Curt about wearing a condom he outright refused, saying it takes away all of his sensation. I was young and naïve but the pregnancy scare smartened me up. Somewhat.

It took me several days of painful peeing and back pain before seeing a doctor. I was horrified to learn I had Chlamydia, a sexually transmitted disease. I only had one partner at any point in highschool and that was Curt so the obvious conclusion would be he gave it to me. That would imply he had been cheating on me, which I couldn’t imagine being true, so when he denied it, I chose to believe it. His platitudes of contaminated toilets and public bathrooms being the likely culprit, I allowed it to be the truth.

When Curt graduated, he opted to attend a local trade school, working on his electrician ticket. Several times he did spot checks to ensure I was where I was supposed to be, as if he was unable to trust me while we were apart. He would stop by my highschool and since people knew we were dating, they wouldn’t think anything of it. He would wait outside my classrooms to see me and see who I was with. The one time I dared to walk out of the classroom with a fellow student, Mike, Curt was ready to beat him up on the spot. I explained that we were simply working together on a lab project which seemed to calm Curt down but it ensured that no one bothered looking my way again.

By letting go of close relationships with my girlfriends, I had no one to talk to about the red flags that kept popping up with Curt. By the time I graduated highschool Curt and I had been together for nearly four years. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the first thing I thought of and the last thought before I fell asleep. My dreams were filled with all of the wonderful moments we shared and my every free moment was spent with him. This is what I told him over and over again when he would erupt in a rage, arguing that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me.

It wouldn’t matter how many times I said it, swore it or pledged it, he never believed me. Numerous times a week we would argue, always because he was convinced I was seeing someone else. Every possible moment of concern became a source of huge conflict between us. Over and over again he would accuse me of sleeping around, being a whore, a slut, a tramp lucky to have him in my life. I would reassure him every time that I would never do something like that to him because he was the love of my life, the center of my soul, the best thing that ever happened to me. The platitudes were endless as were the pleas for mercy he would beat out of me.

The first time he hit me I was still in highschool and believed him when he said it was my fault. He insisted he has never been so passionate about anything until I came into his life because I was his everything and I should have acted accordingly. If I loved him as much as I professed to, why would I do things that upset him? Being late getting out of class and making him wait, looking at the waiter like a whore when I should only be looking at him or trying to embarrass him by acting out. I never appreciated how poorly behaved I am sometimes until Curt pointed it out.

After graduation, we moved in together. I had originally planned on taking a specialized nursing program in Vancouver but when Curt found out, he freaked out. I had always wanted to specialize in child cardiac care and until I blew it in highschool, I was on track to get admittance. Curt refused to talk to me about it, saying if I chose to go to BC, I am also clearly telling him I don’t love him. If I loved him, I wouldn’t even consider moving away, however temporarily. If I loved him, I wouldn’t want to be apart. What should have been an exciting new prospect for me and a step towards the future I’ve always wanted quickly became a huge source of contention for Curt. In the end, I ruined any chance I had with my poor grades and Curt got his way. He was pleased to use this as a prime example of why I shouldn’t be bothering with nonsense that will never happen and be grateful to have someone so incredible willing to put up with it. Looking back the fact that he equated my future education with nonsense he has to tolerate should have warned me off, but it didn’t.

The first time he broke my arm, it didn’t warn me off. The first black eye, the first time he pushed me to the ground, the first time he left me abandoned somewhere because I had either embarrassed him or pissed him off. I looked at every incident one at a time which made it easy to explain away or make excuses. He was tired, he had a bad day at work, traffic was bad, he didn’t like the lunch I packed him, blah blah and blah. There were as many reasons for him to treat me the way he does as there were bruises on my body. As Curt’s partner, I existed to be whatever he wanted or needed me to be.

I lost my identity somewhere along the way and I never noticed. Never noticed or maybe… didn’t care? I was so lost in love with Curt that being his partner was all I needed. Eva the daughter, Eva the friend, Eva the student, Eva the future doctor, Eva the independent woman… all ceased to exist to support the one role of Eva, Curt’s girlfriend. Curt’s lover, nurturer, cook, chef, maid… all in one.

Time is a great educator but how long it takes to learn a lesson is still up to you. In my case, I’m still learning.