Chapter 1
Emilia
I groan as my alarm blares, waking me from my first full night’s sleep in years. As much as I want to hit snooze, I know I have to get up. It is my first day of college, and I need to make a good impression.
Rising out of bed, I head into the bathroom. I take my time showering and getting ready, as I have about an hour until I need to leave. I apply my makeup, some mascara, and lip gloss, and decide to dress up a little for the first day.
My stomach churns when I think of the unwanted attention I may receive, and I ultimately decide to settle for a sweater and jeans. I slide on my boots and grab my bag before heading out and locking up.
I open my phone to view the map once more. The school was huge and difficult to get into, but I pushed that thought aside. I belong here. I try to convince myself, but it doesn’t work. The doubt will always linger.
I start my walk to school at a nice pace, stopping to enjoy nature as I go. The school is not rural, but there is a good stretch of forest on the East side. I smile as I imagine reading my book against a tree after class. I may just have to do that.
Clicking the crosswalk button, I wait for the little guy to come up before I cross the road. As I am walking, I am looking forward, trying to take in a full breath of air. My panic attacks are getting bad again. I sigh. My lungs always feel constricted.
Before I make it back onto the sidewalk, a button falls off my bookbag onto the street. Without hesitation, I run to get it. It is a button from a band I enjoy, and I did not want to lose it. As I am bent down, I hear a screech and the honk of a car. I pick my head up and immediately brace for impact, watching as the car pushes towards me. The hit never comes, however, with the car stopping just inches away. I breathe out, thankful that I was able to survive another day. That relief does not last long, though.
“What the fuck?” The door of the car slams open, and I flinch at the noise. No no no no. I look up to see a man storming towards me, and I panic, my throat starting to close up. This can’t be happening. Not now. I feel bile rise to my throat, but I swallow it down. Glancing back at the man, I am momentarily stunned by his beauty. I feel my cheeks redden and something else dampen. What the fuck?
“Hey! What the hell? Did you look where you were going?” The man starts angrily, but it shifts to concern. “I-I dropped my button,” I whisper, looking at my feet. Fear laces my voice, making me sound small and weak. I bite back my tears. He sighs. “Okay, look. You need to fucking watch where you’re going. I could have hit you.” He rubs the back of his neck like he’s trying to keep calm. “I know..” I start, biting my lip. “Just.. just be careful. Don’t walk in front of fucking cars.” He walks back to his car and leaves without warning. I catch the anger bubbling under his skin.
I ignore the tang of disappointment and continue my walk. What was that about? Why am I upset he left? My body seems to have a reaction my mind can’t conceive. I shake my head to clear my thoughts as I walk into the school, heading towards my first class, history.
Taking a seat in the back, I pull out my notebook to start doodling. It helps calm my nerves, which I really need right now. I don’t notice when class starts, or when the teacher starts to call roll, but I jerk out of my thoughts when my name is called.
“Emilia?” I freeze, instantly thinking I am in trouble. I look up to the teacher, and with a small voice, say “yes?” She looks at me and says, “Emilia, please say ‘present’ or ‘here’ when I am taking roll.” Embarrassment floods my body, turning my cheeks red. So fucking stupid. I feel as if everyone’s eyes are on me. Everyone thinks you’re stupid. I bite back my tears and try to draw with a shaky hand.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much as a tear drop lands on my paper, soiling the pencil lines decorating it. I sniffle, sure that the entire class is watching me. Fuck fuck fuck. I take a deep breath in and out, trying to breathe. When I finally calm down, I notice we are reading in our textbook. I get mine out and try to find our spot, with much difficulty.
As I struggle to find the spot, I realize we are doing popcorn reading. Fucking great. I look around, trying to see what page they are on, when I catch a glance out of my peripheral. I look over to see a handsome man staring at me, concern in his eyes. Concern or pity? Both? I realize my cheeks are still wet, and he must see my red eyes, which make me hyperaware that I had a meltdown in public. Today is not my day.
I look away sharply and flip through the pages when I hear a familiar voice call my name. Dread fills my body when I realize it is my turn to read. I glance helplessly at the teacher, silently begging her for mercy, but she just quirks her eyebrow impatiently. As I open my mouth to ask for the page number, a voice speaks out. I look over to see the man from earlier reading. I look back at the teacher, who glares but doesn’t say anything. When he finishes, he turns to me, flashes me a smile, and winks. I blush and look down at my desk. I cannot wait for today to be over.
When class ends, I pack up slowly before noticing a presence beside me. I look up to meet the dark eyes of the man who read for me. He must be expecting gratitude. “I- um, thank you… for-for reading, I mean.” I stutter out and feel awkward and embarrassed, just for him to start laughing softly. That angers me, until I look up and he gives me the softest look I have ever seen. My cheeks heat up, and I feel elated. What is wrong with me today?
“Yeah, no problem. I noticed you were a little lost in the book. I couldn’t help but chime in.” He smiles at me, and I almost smile back. Almost. “I’m Ryder. What’s your name?” I hesitate, knowing I don’t want to lead him on, but he seems genuine enough. Swallowing, I find my voice and reply. “Emilia. Um, thank you, Ryder.” He reaches his hand out, and I flinch, his eyes widening, and he backs up. “Emilia… It’s a beautiful name. I was just reaching for your book, to help you pack up, I mean.” I nod, my eyes growing wetter. I keep embarrassing myself.
“Hey,” his voice is gentle and soft. “Would you like to have lunch with me?” I go to shake my head, but see the flash of disappointment and pain in his eyes. Before I can stop myself, I ask, “Why?”
To that, he smiles sweetly and says, “I’m drawn to you, that's all.” I look at him in confusion. What does that mean? Before I can say anything else, he throws his bag over his shoulder and turns around. I want to reach for him. What? Why do I want that? As if he can hear my puzzled reaction, he glances back at me. “If you decide you want to, come to table 19. I hope I see you there.” This is moving too fast; I don’t even know him.
Strangely, the thought of seeing him didn’t make me scared. Instead, I wanted to talk to him. Learn about him. I just admire him. Fuck. I must just be horny. I’ve never reacted this way. I’m confused.
With that, he leaves me at my desk, alone in an empty classroom. Knowing I have 15 minutes until my next class, I just sit in the silence, willing my tears to go away. Why am I such a fuckup? What am I doing here? As my tears start, I put my head in my hands. Dad was right. I will never be anything. I’m a stupid fuck up.
I don’t hear the footsteps approaching until I hear a voice. “Are you okay? What did he do?” I bolt up, fear tightening my stomach, causing it to clench painfully. I look into the bright eyes of a beautiful man. His worry etched into his skin makes him cuter. He looks so pretty. “What did my brother do?” He prods again, gently. “Brother?” I choke out. He nods. “Ryder, my older brother. Did he say something to you? I saw him walk out, then saw you.” I shake my head no. “N-no. He didn’t.”
I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t believe me. He sits down beside me and slowly reaches over. Instead of pulling away, I let him coax me into a hug. At the first touch, a shock shoots through my body.
Fucking electricity, but it felt oddly good. I notice he went stiff when I leaned in, so I panicked. Maybe he wasn’t trying to hug me, and I just leaned in. God, this is so embarrassing. Pulling back, I notice him staring at me in shock. I barely catch the word that came out of his mouth. “Mate,” It was almost a whimper, so quiet I questioned if I even heard it. What does that even mean?
He slowly pulls me back into a hug, and I rest my head on his broad chest. This feels so good, so right. I almost shudder at the feeling. I feel complete. Like a part of me I didn’t know was missing was filled.
I’ve never truly settled in the embrace of someone. But it’s nice. My mind relaxes, and I let myself melt into a stranger’s touch. I’m just deprived of touch. I chide myself. It’s just twenty years of built-up touch deprivation catching up to me.
We sit there in silence for a moment until he speaks again. “My name is Luca. What is yours?” His voice is soft, but I feel his chest vibrate as he talks. It tickles my ear, and I giggle quietly, causing him to pull back and look at me in awe. Confused by his reaction, I just answered his question.
I watch him mouth my name, looking at me like he’s won the lottery, and he reaches up to brush a piece of hair behind my ear. I blush heavily, but for once, I don’t pull away. I push back the voices in my head, the voices screaming at me. I stare into his eyes, look at his face, and try to memorize this stranger’s features.
“Emilia,” he starts, “what do you know about wolf shifters?” I look him in the eye, and his seriousness causes me to laugh out. What kind of conversation starter is that? As laughs bubble out of my lips, I see his features twist from joy at my laugh and disappointment. “Never mind.” He looks rejected, almost. I snap out of my thoughts and realize I need to run to my next class. I pack up and stand up, pushing my seat in, and apologizing to Luca, explaining that my math class was fairly far away.
“Let me walk you.” He offers, holding his hand out. I take it. I relish the feeling of a warm hand in mine. I’ll never truly get this feeling. I’ll never have a boyfriend, so I force myself to memorize the feeling of his hands in mine. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
This feels odd. Holding hands, and we just met, but it feels so perfect. I bite my lip, arguing with myself, while he looks upset. He looks just like a sad puppy. “Could you.. um,” he starts. He’s actually adorable. “Please don’t bite your lips. It’s not good.” I blink, taken aback. Is he worried? I shake the thought and release my lip from my teeth. He smiles and offers to take my bag.
“You don’t have to; I can carry it.” “Here, let me, okay? Let me ease some of your troubles. I don’t mind.” He thinks my troubles are related to school, if only. “You really don’t have to.” I mutter, “But if you truly want to, go ahead.” His teeth are bright as he grins and takes my bag, thanking me for allowing him to. Weird.
I decide to go with it, letting him walk me to class, despite my nerves and anxiety regarding the matter. When we get there, he drops me off with a sigh. “I hope I see you again soon.” He smiles sadly. It makes my heart ache. “I-I liked meeting you.” He looks down, shy, but I find the motion endearing. I smile at him, and he perks up slightly.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, and I blush, hiding my face from him. “Can I? May I hug you? Please..?” His voice is pleading with me, his eyes bright and full of expectation. I nod, and he moves closer and wraps his arms around me, loosely.
I relax in his arms, enjoying the moment of physical contact, but noting he has a lot of static electricity. He pulls back, and we say our goodbyes. He looks like a lost puppy as he fidgets with his hands and accepts that I have to go to the classroom. I walk to the back of the class and sit, opening my notebook again, but this time I draw Luca. Then I draw Ryder.
I look at my paper. What are these emotions? I just met them. I frown, my body arguing against my rational mind. I feel things I’ve never experienced. I want to explore it. I want to hold hands, I want to see them again.
Is this a crush? I ponder. No, surely it’s not. It’s a natural attraction, that’s all. It’s only new because I’ve never been free to experience it before. Besides, you can’t have a crush on more than one guy.
I shade my sketches of two beautiful men and note every freckle on their faces, every mole, and even the imperfections in their eyes.
I close the book and look around. I hear a growl and turn to face the car guy, the guy who almost hit me with his car. “Holy shit. It’s you!” I start to panic internally, noticing his voice has a twinge of anger. Before he can say anything else, the teacher starts the roll call, and he falls back into a chair.
My mind races from thoughts of everything that happened this morning.
My life is a wreck.
