The system.

“Why can’t you pretend you believe in the System? At least start with that, of course…”.

“Do you believe in it?”.

“There is no need to talk about my opinion. I’m just a therapist. But of course, the system is the one right”.

“What if it’s wrong?”.

“We all can be wrong, of course. But the system is good. It teaches us to be better people, doesn’t it…”.

Such conversations he has had with this carefree, smiling man. The first part of his statement often implied the intellect and consciousness behind this indifferently empathetic face, but the patient trapped in the chair could never speculate what are the actual believes of that particular soul doctor – whether he was playing a staunch follower of the System for his own sake, or whether he really considered the System to be the best remedy for the individual’s problems.

“I don’t want to follow the System”.

“That’s why you’re here, of course. The door is open, isn’t it, but… do you really want to leave naked, lacking proper calculating skills, appropriate way of thinking, adaptation to a group of really decent and well-behaved people? Not like they will judge you, of course you will be accepted, they will only comment on your behavior, stating obvious truths, of course… All you have to do is let yourself be taught”.

He used to be among those “decent and well-mannered” people, he used to be a part of the System, he used to love that world. And it was really sad when he was punished for just seeing the reality hidden behind the surface of the everyday illusion. They did not beat him, they did not drag him by force, even if they just looked at him hatefully, it would have been much better than the thing they had done to him. He was told to believe that what happened was good. They treated him not like a man, but rather like a disobedient dog who needed to be disciplined.

“Children are disciplined, they are taught to behave well. When they break a vase, they are scolded, no one wants such behavior to continue, right… You wouldn’t want to lose all your vases, would you? There is nothing wrong with discipling children. You see, I’ll tell you that honestly, because you’re an intelligent person, of course you’re already an adult, but for the System, which of course lasts longer than you, you’re a bit like a child. I know it is hard to be corrected as an adult, but that’s just the way it should be. We’ve all been through it. You want to be human, there is no other option but to let yourself be helped…

He was silent, suspecting his words would have no effect. He had already experienced this feeling several times – the need to say something in his defense – and he never felt fulfilled after any of those times. If the mouth in front of him had simply said that the ears were not listening, it would have been much easier – painful, but easier. On the other hand, the entire System, including the doctor before him, seemed to operate according to an extremely complicated logic, which required the interlocutors to maintain the illusion of brotherhood at all costs. The head nodded calmly and patiently, listened to the defense, sometimes even added its own comment, as if it really understood the suffering of the unheard, followed by “I understand” and some word, words, maybe even a whole statement, which rationally could easily be classified as true, but in fact, the receiver really felt that these words did not understand pain. Anyway, just see:

“The way the System is trying to change me is evil”.

“Evil sounds religious, you don’t think… Satan is evil, but there is no one like him here–…”

“…not right”…

“It is still a judging expression, isn’t it. Do you remember what I’ve told you–…”

“I feel bad when the System forces me to change, and I feel bad when I think about who I will become by following the System”.

The concentrated gaze, so intense words could not describe it, encouraged the interlocutor to speak, gave him hope of being understood, and convincing this stubborn rationalist…

“I don’t like what the System changes people into”.

“Please continue, I am trying to understand you”.

“I may not be able to judge whether the rules imposed by the System are good or bad, but I can tell whether I like what the System has created, right?”.

“Of course”.

“And so I see. I see people who seem great, polite, and it is easy for me to believe that that’s who they are. But then a moment happens when I see a glimmer of hatred in their eyes. They can look composed, but they cannot control all their thoughts. They tell me, as you do now, that they listen to me, they show a lot of empathy for the suffering ones of the world, but they never really have empathy for me, they recommend me to worry less, not to exaggerate, to be grateful for what I’m given. They always have a ready-made explanation, complying with the System’s rules, but I know these are just excuses, that their true feelings are different. Please do not tell me that this is not the case. I know what I see!”.

“I understand you. It seems to you that this world is lying. You know it. However, do you not think that such rules are necessary? Lies… rules… Call it what you want. You know very well that my point is… people can be cruel and these principles help us to be decent members of society. Aren’t they? You are quiet. You must be tired, please go lie down in your cell. I could talk to you for a long time, but that would be pointless. After all, this room is about conversation. We are here to talk. You and I. We against the problem”.

“The problem that is me”.

“With all respect… I will accept you talking like that. I have my dignity as a human being”.

Many times he doubted his intuition. More than he could count. His whole lifetime. It seemed he had spent his whole live with System. The truth is that that man had a good chance of convincing him. The truth is that he convinced him many times. When the observed reality was denied so many times, the observer began to suspect that he was wrong. All his life he had considered himself a terrible observer. It could go on like this. He could even be the leader of the System for the rest of his life. A strange feeling, but being one, he felt like he stopped existing. He used to be satisfied being part of the System, but unfortunately recently he liked it less and less. He hoped that even if he did not enjoy being the leader, the System at least would appreciate him enough to make him feel valued and motivated to keep his nature in check, but even the System seemed to judge him. The teacher told him that he was wonderful, but never wanted to talk, he avoided eye contact, disappeared from the corridors. The little boy had no way of sharing anything he was interested in with the System. The only person he could talk to about it was himself. And he himself rarely wanted to talk about airplanes, cars, when he was tormented by a much more important problem – how much he disliked who the System had made him.

“You’re free to go”, the “therapist” advised him. “Maybe this is just not a good place for you? The system will grow without you. Maybe it is even better that you leave. No reason to cry, really”.

“This is my home. I devoted everything to this place. Do you expect me to just leave?”.

“Everyone makes a choice. I made my choice. So should you. There is no need to get so emotional”.

“There is a lot to get emotional about! Don’t you see this is important?! Or is it just me...?!”.

There was a moment when he was able to see himself as if from the perspective of a third person. Usually he was the person interacting with the world. Sometimes, however, the part of him, one that really was, told him what was going on, as if it was watching a friend. Now he was saying to himself… “That scream won’t do anything, he perceives your cry as a lack of control over your emotions, not as emphasizing what is important to you”.

In the past he was be able to surrender to the System, but recently he has made a decision – he will believe in himself. However, this was not enough. Even “believing in himself” he had doubts every now and then, distracting him from any work he wanted to do. He was unable to unleash his potential, constantly crushing himself with the principles of the System. He felt his own powerlessness. Nevertheless, he wanted… he wanted to destroy the System so badly.

The therapist once took him to a room full of mirrors to show him what he was really like. And the frightened little man, who our main character had been for a long time, was evidently concerned with the images he saw on the distorted surfaces. Too fat, too giggling, too energetic a man looked at him wherever he would go. None of the paintings seemed to capture who he really was. He honestly did not want to look at those horrors, but he could not just look away. The voice told him that he should want to look at himself in the mirrors to see who he was. He had to learn to accept criticism. He had to pay attention to how he was perceived.

“I‘d like to smash that mirror”.

“This mirror shows you who you are”.

“I’d smash that one too”.

“You can’t just look away from reflections you don’t like. Everyone has good parts, a bad parts. Everyone must be aware of their own imperfections, right… This is the only way people grow”.

“True…”.

It was really strange to take paint even though no one allowed it. Painting over such a respectable picture seemed like madness, and he was reluctant. Soon, however, the hand got used to covering the mean reflection with a thick layer of indifference. Nevertheless, on front of every next mirror a thought appeared that this particular painting should be left, maybe this one was real, maybe this bulge showed reality. Still, he painted until a room full of mirrors became a room full of empty paintings.

“Horrifying”.

“Right? It’s strange you didn’t stop me”.

“I’m a therapist. It’s not my responsibility…”.

“You will walk through that door and tell the System what you think of me”.

Slowly, he began to figure out the rules of the game the System played with him. The ruthless, narcissistic authorities wanted to imprison him, make him small, but the truth was that this was his home. The characters that appeared here were his to control. They only listened to the System as much as he allowed it. He suddenly felt anxious about the conflict between the alluring cry for power and the voice of duty that had accompanied him his whole life. By becoming powerful, he could destroy a lot, but at the same time he felt obliged to do what he had to do. The voice inside shouted that by allowing himself to give orders, he rejected his duty. Mistakes became probable, he could order what was not right. The System always knew what to do – how to dress, what to say, how much to devote to what. He was terrified of the power he was gaining by denying the System and how much evil it could do. However, no such thing as a equal distribution of power between him and the System was possible. The System would never allow anyone to shamelessly expose their free nature, would not tolerate a lack of complete control, observing someone’s openness would disrupt the whole world ordered by the rules of the System, and therefore the System would not allow anyone to be able to do anything other than what was written in the rules. He could already feel the enormous authority beginning to turn against him. Many horrors awaited him – the System pretending and him pretending to the System that everything was fine, the feeling of shame for bending the rules of decency. He will need a lot of courage to believe in the reality he saw and he will be completely alone in this, but he believed he was capable of winning this war. He watched as the little man walked out the door as if hypnotized, confessing his love for him, and then was probably swallowed up by the System.

The next day, our main character returned to his duties. The Teacher greeted him calmly, the response was “Good morning” pretending to be calm. There was no need to deny the game of pretending, he could as well just play it. Of course, this aroused some sense of rage and disgust, but in the end, when playing the game of power, one could make some concessions. Now, in this second, he was losing, pretending to be a good student in front of the Teacher, but in the long run, he could only win by acting wisely. In the end, only the long run mattered. The System cared about the effects and appearances here and now, he decided to wait for the future with peace of mind. If there was one thing he had already won with his rebellion, it was at least the opportunity to skip the long lessons of the Teacher.

“I was in class, doesn’t the Teacher remember?!”.

“You weren’t there. Do you think I’m schizophrenic?”.

“Is the Teacher mocking me?! Forgettery, forgettery…”.

He was annoyed by such conversations. Evading saying something sensible was tiring, but effective. He bought himself a few more moments before the System found enough evidence to pass judgment on him.

The truth is that the verdict would really be something ridiculous, but only from the perspective of a calm observer. For a man involved in the System, the sentence was everything. It was the ultimate attempt to crush a person’s personality into predictable behaviors, the observance of which was guarded by Fear and Shame. It was a choice between conforming to the rules of the System or exile. It was this exile that was something extremely ridiculous. This world must have belonged less to the System than to a conscious individual who had this world as his home. It must have been the undeniable sacred property of free will – the will had far more power than the System, which had failed to stop the Therapist from making such a ridiculous declaration of love. It was impossible to banish the will from her own world. Despite this, for a long time, fearing exile, he chose adaptation. Thanks to his determination, he got rid of the main threat that awaited him at the trial. Nevertheless, he was not safe. Shame and Doubt were still ready to turn against him and force him into submission. Shame was a powerful weapon. It was enough to remind him of a few past misses and bloopers to make him withdraw from the defense. Therefore, he had to counteract it as soon as possible. He felt that he still had a moment, but not eternity.

In all this, it was a pity for him to lose his peers.

“You can’t be so asocial. Go to others”, the Teacher once told him. Was this one of the first time he played with others, when he didn’t understand the System yet?

“Give me that shovel. You have to share things”.

“I don’t want to”.

But no one listened to your needs. You watched the children play with your shovel, which you did not want to give away at all. Maybe it is a bit silly, but back then that sandpit and those few faces were the whole world to you. You did not want to be non-existent to that world, so you locked this world with silence. You ran from sandpit to sandpit, critiques of the adults and your peers you filled every moment of silence so that you could not think about the tears that wanted to flow through your eyes. Then you would have to admit to yourself that you did not feel good, that you were lonely, that you felt small. You would be tormented by the choice between silence and truth.

Do you remember how you once tried to make that world a better place? You wanted to counteract loneliness and rejection, you wanted to stay positive. Remember who as the first said the words you always wanted to hear?

“It’s good to see you”.

It was a seemingly insignificant phrase, uttered on a par with “good morning” by a man you thought of as… Ha, you said that he lacked social adaptation, hoping that this would explain your feeling of disgust for this man. You have been fighting for so many years to hear these words from the System. And even then you did not give up. The truth, however, was that you never had a chance. To change the System, you needed to become something more, to gain more power, but in fact, the more power you gained, the more dangerous you seemed to the System, and the more the System wanted to silence your words. If you could not destroy the System, then you at least tried to make those under its influence aware. And you lost again, because they were not going to do anything that the System would not allow. You have understood that they will never dare to share your fate. That was when you lost respect for them. Then you decided to mind your own business. And you allowed yourself to walk away from them.

And now you also stepped back to see how much bigger the world was, how much bigger you were yourself.

There was one mirror that he did not paint. The sad boy did not even want to look up. It was difficult to pronounce the words he had been taught to say only to others. The voice did not want to sound, the throat choked the owner and it seemed to require superhuman strength to hear…

“I love you!”.

Breathing relieved the tension of the whole body. Lips were happy to overcome the challenge. The eyes hoped to see a new, beautiful world, created by breaking taboos, but nothing had changed. Nothing in his body – from his toenails to the hair on the tip – wanted to believe in failure. He spoke these words in his mind again, but he did not have the courage to say them out loud again.

“You’d rather wait until we die. You have always been like this, you preferred to wait for death. You’ve always dragged me down. If you killed yourself, at least I would have any respect for you”.

The boy did not answer and there was nothing to be surprised about. He always treated this pathetic creature with a kind of contempt. After all, what could he do? Strangely enough, however, the silence reconciled them more than any conversation. For a moment, he decided to free his mind and just sit with himself. How long since the last time he procrastinated? “You’re wasting your time” and all that. Such thoughts always came in moments of rest.

“We are as far away from the world as we can be”, replied a small voice. “The only way further is with God”.

“Is it possible to return closer to the world?”.

“Do you think you’ll be better off being closer to the world? When do you think the System’s reign started? You thought you were born with it, but that’s because you’re an idiot. The truth is you and me were born loving this world, not being ashamed of our love, not being ashamed of my love for you and your love for me. The system is everywhere in us, you would have to really tear most of it down to the foundations. What would be left of you? Would the at least the altar have remained from the temple?”.

“I’ve made my decision. You’ll see how great we are. Just give me time”.

He has already painted over the mirrors – one of the System’s most powerful weapons. But you were still held back by compassion. He found a painting by an unknown author, which he had once viewed together with the Teacher. “A man consumed by the flames he loves”, the plate said.

“It’s not important”, said the Teacher.

“Can the fire get here?”.

“It’ll be fine”.

And yet the fire slowly consumed the floors, covering them with soot day after day, raging in the painting. He felt sorry for the man consumed by the flames he loved, and that is why he did not close that door. He wanted the man to have a place to escape. And honestly, this feeling has not changed. But now anger grew next to compassion. He had once been willing to put up with a damaged floor, but now he was annoyed that the System would force him to compassion he despised showing. He did not hate this man, but he was determined to close the door, because the truth was that if he was able to free himself from the System, this man, if he really wanted to, would also find a way. There were things no one could do for you. And freeing yourself from the System was just one of those things. Those who could not, never really wanted to break free – they just wanted to replace the System with a different one. He could not go forward, constantly gazing back at these people. If he ever meets someone willing to break free, he will know.

He quickly grabbed the handle and slammed the door shut. With each such door, he felt more and more empty, he smiled less and less, less anger boiled in his chest, his determination grew greater.

One of his inner voices said that he should be on time for his trial, but he had no intention listening to that advice – it was one of the voices planted in his head by the System many years ago. Instead, he removed one of the larger hammers from the display and walked towards the door. A few powerful blows managed to create a hole in the floor for several people. No one told him what would be underneath, but as he suspected, he opened a dark mouth craving an offering. No one at the trial paid any attention to him when he finally entered the auditorium. Back in the days, he would have been surprised by this. Now he understood that the System had always cared only about itself – about power and the illusion of righteousness – it never cared about him. He had once thought that the System was doing everything to make him feel bad, but now he understood that the System could not care for him as a human enough to even properly denigrate him. Anyway, the System did not have to carry out any complicated attacks. The very fact that he did not exist for the System as an individual with his own needs and the forcibly imposed silence about his pain was enough for him to feel one of the worst pains – the pain of non-existence. And yet it was his home, the System had only as much power here as he was willing to give. Therefore, he did not have to outshout the Judge’s arguments. One…

“Get out…”.

Crowds of people rose from their chairs and began to head towards the abyss.

He would like to say that it was a great victory, but the truth was that it was not over yet. Everything in this place was rebuilt by the System over the years and there were not many places that were his own. He had to find them, get to know them, build a new house. Such work would take years, and he did not have that much. The world called him, called him, and he knew that he would answer this call.

He was genuinely afraid of returning. Getting rid of the System gave him confidence, but still that confidence did not have yet time to learn to serve him and not hide in the face of the slightest threat. He lacked its own system, and was extremely vulnerable to be attacked by a toxic system from the outside, or even from within. In addition, it did not have and probably never will have a good defense against a similar threat. For a moment, he wanted to build walls that would protect him, but he understood that isolation would not make much sense. At some point, he will have to trust someone. Then only intuition with a lot of luck will allow him to avoid another distorted creation of the narcissistic mind. Experience and courage gave hope that he was a little more resilient. You see… Firstly, he allowed himself to learn to respect and love himself, which gave hope of protection against falling into another illusion. The truth was, like any other person, he wanted to be recognized and accepted, considered treating himself as someone important to be extremely selfish, and instead of paying attention and leaning his own needs, he sought confirmation of his own worth from others. Various narcissistic systems loved to exploit this weakness. Despite their lack of empathy, they had the ability to detect and fill voids in a person. And once a person felt important, they were ready to do anything to feel that again. Now, he saw that for fighting against poisonous systems, love shown to oneself, if not a noble gesture towards oneself, was simply as a necessary thing. Secondly, that he was now his most faithful listener. He could share all his joys and sorrows with himself, thanks to which the intrusive need to talk about everything disappeared. Again, a person, usually unheard, heard a few times, was ready to do a lot for the system to feel important again. These changes protected him tremendously, but they did not provide complete safety. Nevertheless, he wanted to go out into this world again. To go out into the same world that allowed the System to absorb most of his identity. The same world that was teeming with systems. The only thing he could do was accept the future pain and move on.

He was also terrified of being responsible for his choices and feelings. In case of failure, no one would take the blame. In addition, with each step towards freedom, his possibilities will increase, so his mistakes will have more serious consequences. And yet, something about the vision of such a future tempted him far more than all the temptations of the System. Perhaps indeed a man was created to be great.

…

Opening his eyes, he understood where the material for such a crazy inner world came from. One sentence from the mouth of the woman who gave him life was enough for him to understand on what basis the brain created the silhouette of the System and what it wanted to make him aware.

“We have been waiting for you for ages”, was a seemingly insignificant phrase, but in a person surrounded by such phrases all their life, feeling of shame that he made his loved one worry so much arose. It aroused a sense of the need to be grateful for the time sacrificed, even if this gratitude meant being silent about one’s needs, so as not to anger the loved one. It was particularly annoying absurdity that a person overwhelmed with shame often reprimands themselves for (for example) falling into a coma as a result of factors beyond their control. And on top of that, it was annoying that while from a distanced point of view blaming themselves for something like that was obviously stupid, for a lot of people, including him once, that actually made them felt like a bad person for being the reason for someone’s stress.

Unfortunately, such things were only noticeable after liberation, a person overwhelmed by the System really experienced all these absurd emotions. Only later did it become clear that the seemingly compassionate phrase “We have been waiting for ages” is focused on the emotions of the person speaking, who, wanting to manifest their dedication to the sick, cannot hide their irritation from the time devoted, and is in no way focused on the person in need.

Above all that, perhaps the most annoying thing was that he could not say anything he learned out loud. His mother would never listen to an opinion that might put her in a bad light. She would only listen if in her mind listening to “criticism” would put her in a good light. But nothing would change. He wanted to believe that the System could change. But, while the life philosophy itself may not be something unchangeable, the scheme of action supported by a few choices turned a person to a path from which they could not turn back. He did not want to believe it. Nevertheless, he feared that this was the truth.

This meant that he would no longer do anything to help his mother, because he could not. He could only go his own way. Which would not bother him so much if it were not for the need to explain his point of view to his sister. The big eyes in the small body were still staring faithfully at their mother, and although they looked quite content now, he knew that they were living through the hell of non-existence every day. He could not tell her about his discovery yet, either. She believed too much in mother’s infallibility. And honestly he was not surprised – if she began to see the truth about the object of her idealization, the wonderful mother would suddenly turn against her. Even the best acting could not hide the consciousness in the gaze. He knew that the mother would sense the loss of control over the child, as she now suddenly sensed the loss of control over him.

“Could you leave for a moment, please. And leave me with my sister”.

The shock froze for a moment the expression on the face of the woman he had once admired so much.

“…We were so worried about you”, she finally found the right words.

“I appreciate that. Now please…”.

She hated his firm tone. He felt it with his whole body, with everything he had, and this time he had no intention to doubt himself. She left hiding her anger and he already felt sorry for the patients in the hallway, whom she would draw into her game of complaining to relieve the rage she could not handle.

“You’re a great girl, you know that? And you are very strong”.

Large, attentive eyes glazed over. It was strange that something so ordinary evoked such great emotions.

He would like to say much more, but now he could not. He could only hope that his attitude and those short words would be able to grow into a home for a wonderful woman in the wilderness that years of non-existence had made the human soul into.

Not for long he managed to stay at home. He only said “no” a few times before his mother gathered all the household members to tell him who he was and what he should be like.

“You have the look as if you wanted to murder me”, she said, when he could not pretend to be engaged in conversation. A traditional example of telling him how he feels.

Indeed, little mercy was left in his heart for this woman, though he did not yet know whether it was good or bad. For years, she had been pouring out her grievances on him, convincing him that it was his fault. Now this trick has weakened in its strength.

Apparently, the time spent outside the world changed him. It was enough to look once from the distance at the web in which you were entangled all your life to never be able to forget the hatred for carelessly inflicting so much pain on empathetic people. Long after this event, he would eagerly go to the edge of the world, although only in his thoughts. Once he felt his own greatness in the space free of the crowds of people, he could no longer let himself be locked in a cage.