Stagnant

My phone flashed with an email. I knew what the email said. I just had this inkling that it was not good news, but my stupid heart could not help but be filled with hope. I opened the email, and the words I was dreading were written so clearly for me to see.

“We regret to inform you…” I choked up. It was not the first rejection I had received and probably not the last, so I hated the tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew what the email would say, so why did I feel my heart break again? For all the jobs I had applied to so far, I had not been accepted. Whether it was an internship, learnership, or a general job, I was rejected for all of them. It was already my second year at home, doing nothing and just being stuck in my room. When I graduated from university, I planned to further my studies by doing my honors, but I had a huge debt to my previous university. My parents helped me pay it off and when I received my academic record, university applications for the following year were already closed. I knew I couldn’t study that year, and instead of doing nothing for the entire year, I tried applying for jobs to gain some experience, but no company wanted me. Was I some contagious virus that nobody wanted? I had these kinds of negative thoughts a lot. I covered my face with my pillow and cried. I knew I would be okay in a few minutes; I was already used to this. It was like a routine, and I knew I was going to experience it again. When my tears dried up and I had no more tears to shed, I took my laptop and started looking for more jobs I could apply to.

When it started getting dark, I switched on the light because I was scared of the darkness. My room was simple, with only a bed, a closet, and a study table, but it had space. My bed cover and blanket were blue, my favorite color. My room was my safe space. I never left the house. I didn’t have a job or any friends close by, so I never left the house. Since I studied far from home, my university friends lived far from me, and we only talked on the phone. We didn’t talk much, though, since they had their own things going on, but we did talk from time to time. I was happy to have them in my life, even though I was lonely. When I was done spending hours on my laptop, I went to the dining room. My parents were already back from work. My mom was on the phone with my younger sister. My younger sister lived with our aunt and uncle, so he could go to school. She only came here during school holidays.

“Hello,” I said, going to the kitchen to drink some water.

“Please cook.” I heard my mom saying, and I sighed. I didn’t like cooking. I was also a vegetarian, and they ate meat, so I definitely had to cook food that I didn’t eat. I was really tired of living like this. Since I was always home, I had to do all the cleaning, washing the dishes, and sometimes cooking. That was my daily schedule, and I was really tired of that.

“What should I cook?” I asked.

“Rice and mincemeat.”

“Can I cook the rice. I can’t cook mincemeat that well.” It was true. Mincemeat might look like a simple dish to cook, but I managed to butcher it every time, so when I could, I managed to dodge cooking it. I put the rice on the stove before sitting down. I read a book on my phone, since my parents were watching TV. I didn’t like watching TV with them because we liked watching different things.

“Did you receive an email?” My mom asked, and I knew what email she was talking about. I didn’t like telling her that I was rejected, because I knew she would be disappointed even though she doesn’t show it. My situation was very hard on me, but I also knew that it was hard on my mom as well. She also wanted to see her child getting a job like other kids, so seeing me like this might be hard for her.

“I didn’t get the job,” I said quietly, trying to hold my tears back.

***

When the food was ready, I made myself some eggs to eat with my rice. When my parents went to sleep, I watched a series while washing the dishes. When the kitchen was tidy, I went to my room. I wore my onesie and did some stretches before bed. That night I slept with a heavy heart.