Horny the Snowman

White. The ground was covered in a blanket of white. Fresh snow. There was nothing quite like it. It was soft. It was powdery. Like walking on a cloud.

It was beautiful.

Ever since she was young, Crystal loved snow.

It had been her idea. She left the college campus with her two best friends who also happened to be her fellow cheerleaders. They planned to build a snowman. Not just any old snowman. No, Crystal had brought along a ‘special’ addition.

“Oh my gosh, it’s totally freezing!” said Ashley. She was bundled up in a huge, fluffy jacket, complete with cute, pink earmuffs. “Why did you drag me out here again?”

“Because look at all this snow!” said Crystal. “We’ll never have another snow like this again. It’s perfect for building a snowman!”

“I don’t think I’ve built a snowman since I was a kid,” said Macy.

“Me either!” said Crystal, excitement bubbling on her expression. “And I’m gonna make this one totally ours! I brought all the best supplies.”

“What kind of supplies?” asked Ashley.

“You’ll see,” teased Crystal.

They trod through the powdery snow, their feet sinking into the white dust. Crystal led the way. She was looking for the perfect spot. They couldn’t build a snowman just anywhere. Especially not the kind of snowman she had in mind.

“Oh my gosh, Crys, just pick a place already!” complained Ashley.

“It has to be perfect!” said Crystal. “You want a great backdrop for your Insta, don’t you?”

Ashley bit her lip. When she wasn’t cheerleading, the rest of her time was spent on Instagram. To her, a ton of likes was worth putting up with the cold.

“There it is! Over there!” said Crystal.

She bounded through the snow, her two friends following after her. Through a group of pine trees, there was a clearing. The snow was completely untouched. It looked like something out of a Hallmark movie.

“It’s perfect,” she said.

“Yes, and those trees. They’ll look amazing in the photos,” said Macy.

Crystal smiled and pulled a backpack from her shoulders. “Okay, we gotta start by rolling the base.”

Ashley snickered. “Like how you put a condom on?”

“Hush you!” said Crystal. “You know what I mean.”

Crystal bent over to gather up a ball of snow. She packed it down in her hands when suddenly something hit her right in the butt! She straightened and turned to see Macy with a sly look on her face.

“Oh, you bitch!” said Crystal. She tossed her snowball at Macy and hit her directly in the chest.

“Watch the tits!” shouted Macy.

Another snowball flew by and hit Crystal right in the cooch. “Hey!”

Soon enough, snowballs were being tossed in all directions. It became an all out battle. Crystal even got one in the face!

“Okay, okay, truce!” said Crystal, holding up her empty hands.

“Like always, I’m the winner,” said Ashley with nothing but arrogance. She moved her gloved hand to flip her hair over her shoulder. Seconds later, a snowball went flying and smashed her right in the face.

Macy smirked. “Now I’m the winner.”

“UGHH! You’re gonna fuck up my makeup!” exclaimed Ashley.

“Not my fault you didn’t wear waterproof,” said Macy.

“Guys, com’on,” said Crystal. “Let’s get this snowman going.”

Together, the three of them rolled up a decent sized base. They rolled a second ball for the middle of the snowman. As they worked together to put it on, Ashley complained again about the cold. Both Crystal and Macy ignored her.

“I’ll make the head,” said Macy.

While she was rolling the last ball, Crystal found her backpack. Snowflakes covered it. Some from their snowball fight but others from the falling snow. It was snowing again.

“If it starts snowing hard, I’m going back,” said Ashley.

“Ash, oh my fucking gosh, will you shut up?! I knew I should have asked Desiree instead,” said Crystal.

“Desi would have complained just as much,” said Macy.

Crystal frowned. She guessed that was true. None of Crystal’s friends were the outdoorsy types. They were all stuck up, prissy cheerleaders. If they broke a nail, it was the end of the fucking world.

“Well I just wanna have fun, okay? It’s not like we’re gonna get another chance to do this. Not everything has to be about school and boys and makeup… Christmas is coming soon. And we should be thinking about each other and cherishing our friendship because… once we graduate, we’ll probably never see each other again,” said Crystal.

“Way to bring us down, Crys,” said Ashley.

“She’s got a point, though,” said Macy. She lifted the rolled ball of snow and placed it snugly on top of the middle ball. “We don’t even live close.”

“See?” said Crystal. “So just do this one thing for me, Ash. I’ll never ask you to build a snowman again.”

“Fine,” sighed Ashley.

“So… I told you guys I brought some supplies,” said Crystal. She carried the backpack over to their blank snowman. “First of all, you can’t make a snowman without certain things. Carrots,” she said, pulling out a single carrot from her pack. “Buttons. A hat. An adorable fucking scarf. Ummm…” She looked through her pack, digging deeper. “Oh, well I didn’t have coal… so we’ll just have to use these googly eyes.”

Macy laughed. “Googly eyes? He’s gonna look ridiculous!”

“Do you have any better ideas?” asked Crystal.

“Uhh… maybe there’s some rocks around?”

“Does this place look rocky to you?” asked Ashely sarcastically.

“Fine. Googly eyes, it is,” said Macy.

“So let’s see… hat, scarf, carrot, eyes, buttons…” said Crystal, as she went over everything in her head. “We’ll have to find some sticks for arms. Aaand… I brought something special.” In her hand, she pulled out a bright pink dildo.

“Oh my gosh, you didn’t…” said Ashley.

“You brought Dildo Baggins?!” asked Macy.

“Yup,” said Crystal proudly. “We can’t build a snowman without a snowcock. Am I right?”

“You dirty slut!” said Macy with a laugh.

“Hey, you’re just jealous you didn’t think of it,” said Crystal.

“Girl, I ain’t about to bring Mr. Wiggles out here. He’s too special for that.”

“Am I the only one that thinks it’s kinda weird to put a dildo on a snowman?” asked Ashley.

“Yes,” said both Crystal and Macy at the same time.

Ashley frowned and shook her head.

“Okay, let’s get him dressed,” said Crystal. She put Dildo Baggins safely in her backpack for the moment. “Mace, why don’t you find some sticks for arms?”

“I better find some long ones if he’s got a cock on him like that,” snickered Macy just before she sauntered off.

“Ash, help me get the scarf on.”

The scarf was fluffy and made of faux fur. The two girls wrapped it around his neck. Then while Ashley stuck the buttons on for his mouth, Crystal stuck the carrot on for his nose. Last was the googly eyes. Crystal couldn’t help but giggle as she put them on.

“What about these?” asked Macy. She had returned with two big sticks. “I broke them off that pine tree back there.”

“Those will work,” said Crystal.

She helped Macy get the arms in place and he was finished. Well almost finished.

“Now for the icing on the cake. Or should I say… tip.”

The other two giggled as she retrieved Dildo Baggins. She approached the snowman but hesitated to stick the dildo on.

“I think we should name him,” said Crystal. “Before I put it on.”

“How about Mr. Snow?” asked Ashley.

“Wow, could you get more original than that?” teased Macy.

Ashley narrowed her eyes. “Do you have something better?”

“Well… if he’s got a cock on him like Dildo Baggins, I think he needs a more fitting name. What about Horny? Horny the Snowman.”

“Oh my gosh, Mace, I love it!” said Crystal. Thinking about their well-hung snowman and Christmas gave her the urge to sing. She opened her mouth and started singing a familiar Christmas song about a snowman, only she changed the lyrics to be more obscene.

The other two joined in. Laughing, the three cheerleaders danced a circle around the snowman, singing their obscene lyrics. When the song came to an end, Crystal slapped Dildo Baggins onto the snowman.

There, he stood. A fedora hat on his head, googly eyes, a carrot nose and a mouth made out of buttons. He had a fluffy, faux fur scarf, and pine tree arms. But the one thing that stood out the most was the bright pink dildo.

“Oh my gosh, we totally have to get a picture of all of us with him!” said Crystal.

“Think of how many likes we’re going to get!” Ashley said, who was also pulling out her phone.

“Everyone’s going to want to come see him!” said Macy.

The three girls were all so focused on the screen of their phones that they didn’t notice the snowman move. It was slight at first. Just a twitch of his arm branch. A small tremor over his body. Then suddenly he yelled out.

“AARRAGGHHHHHHH!”

Crystal nearly jumped out of her skin. Her phone slipped from her hands and landed on the snowy ground. With wide eyes and her heart hammering inside her chest, she looked to the source of the sound. The snowman was moving.

It was alive!

“Holy shit!”