Spilled Emotions: 1
Beep...Beep...Beep...Be-
God damn! I'm up, I'm up! I wake up this morning feeling agitated and grumpy. I've felt this way a lot, along with anger and sadness. I haven't felt anything else in a while and, quite frankly, I don't remember what happiness feels like.
Three years ago, I left home in Maine and came to South Dakota for a fresh start. I left because of my 'Mom'. She was everything a mother shouldn't be: a druggie, neglectful, absent, ect.
About three weeks after I left, I started...hurting myself. I would go into my bathroom late at night, take a razer from under the sink and drag it across my thighs and on special occasions my wrist. The sharp sting and warm oozing of my blood gave me a sick sort of satisfaction I couldn't get from anything else.
With no one in my life to ask questions, it made everything easier; from concealing my cuts to falling further into the pit of darkness I found myself slipping into.
I don't want to be like this, but I have nothing and no one to be better for.
Deciding that my time of procrastination was over, I climb out of bed and walk to my bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I see nothing but the shell of what once was.
'Disgusting.' a voice whispers in my head.
'Pathetic.' says another.
'Broken.' this time it's my mind, not the voices.
"Discarded." I whisper into the silence.
I push the voices back into whatever whole they crawled out of and get dressed for work. I work at a small caffe in town, so I don't have to put much effort into my appearance. With a simple white tank top and leggings, I'm ready for the day.
***********
On the way there, my beat-up Honda Civic makes sounds that would require a professional mechanic to properly diagnose the problem, but I can't meet the financial demands so it will have to do.
When I pull up, the car park is mostly full. I sigh, knowing full well today is going to be long as hell.
A bell rings from above the door when I walk in. A few heads turn my way, but no one openly looks at me, which I'm grateful for. Social anxiety is a bitch.
The locker rooms are quiet except for the humming lights that always seem to remind you exactly how alone you are. I open my locker and pull out my apron and note pad.
I take a small breath before walking into the crowded dining area. After I clock in and let my boss know, I get to work with taking orders and serving tables and wiping them down.
I coast through the hours with smiles that didn't reach my eyes and a happiness I most certainly did not feel.
Nothing interesting happened in the time that I worked. Not that anything usually happens.
When I get home, I see an unfamiliar car parker four spaces to the left of mine. A small shiver runs down my spine, but I brush it off. One of the neighbors is having a friend over. Right?
I walk the stairs to my apartment and see a woman sitting beside my door.
Weird place for a homeless person, don't you think?
I walk closer but at a slower pace. When I get close enough for the woman to hear my footsteps, she looks up at me, and my entire body goes still. My breathing halts and my ears ring, silencing my thoughts and everything around me.
My hands are shaking. She looks different now, older, smaller. Probably the drugs doing.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I ask in an icy tone.
The bitch has the audacity to scoff and say, "What, a mother can't come and visit her daughter?". "You are not my mother!" I spit, my breath coming in heavy pants now.
She cackles like the witch she is, "You ungrateful bitch, I'm not your mother? I gave you a life when you didn't deserve one! I gave you a home you fucking slut!" she yells, her words slightly slurred.
She's fucking drunk!
"A home?! You call that piece of shit a home?! That was not a home, that was a prison! You didn't give me a life; I fought for one myself." my voice now an icy calm, "You were never there, you were away selling your body for drugs when you had a fucking daughter at home! I was a kid. I was your kid! You were supposed to love me! Why couldn't you love me?!".
I hadn't realized I was crying until I was sobbing. The ugly, loud, gut wrenching, soul crushing kind of sobbing. My voice cracking ever so often.
But I wasn't done, not yet.
"I kept myself alive when you wouldn't! Me, not you. You couldn't be there for me, so I learned to there for myself. You are a pathetic waist of air!"
"You little-" she goes to say something, but I cut her off, "No, you don't get to talk. I don't know why you're here, or how you got here, but you need to leave. You need to leave right now!" I say coldly.
She glares at me like I killed her dog in front of her.
I don't give a flying fuck.
Then, she finally gets up and walks- well more like limps off. leaving me there, stunned.
I stand there long after she's gone and just look at the spot where she sat. I'm numb, so fucking numb. Not the 'I can't find it in me to care about anything' kind of numb, the kind of numb that washes over you after you have let everything out. The kind that doesn't let you think or feel anything. The kind you feel when you have nothing left to give.
It's a different feeling entirely, but at the same time there is nothing to feel.
I walk into the kitchen, not really paying attention to anything. I sit down at the table and try to process what the hell just happened.
My mom just showed up.
I told her everything I wanted to scream, everything I had been keeping to myself because no one cared.
Why was she here?
Why did I say the things I said?
The questions in my head die down when I realize something; I feel good!
Not happy, not quite, but peaceful. My mind is quiet; my thoughts are clearer. It's an unfamiliar feeling, but I could get used to it.
I'm not better, far from it actually, but I found the road.
Now it's up to me to decide if I'm going to follow it.
That's chapter one! I hope you enjoyed it! If you find yourself in a time and day where you can't find it in you to care about anything happening around you, or you are just struggling in general, please don't be afraid to tell someone.
Or if you are like me and don't want to tell anyone, please know that my comment section is always open!
-Sencerly A/N
