Self Inflicted Pain

If anyone is offended by my story, then I ask you to please pray about it. 1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

I have taken the positive with the negative all in the same stride regarding my situation. Lord knows that I have been pretty low. Worrying about what other people thought and listening to the negativity of others almost killed me. It also almost caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life. Listening to the Lord is what got me through and is why I can be an open book. With the grace and mercy of God I stand strong today. What I will say is this ’There is not a man nor woman walking the face of this earth that will ever make me change the way that I feel about my sons. Big Country is my rainbow and Fat Daddy is the sunshine that showed up miraculously at the end of my storm. Self Inflicted Pain. Only God knows that it doesn’t get any more real than this.

Why do I have to be tortured like this? What kind of man takes his woman to Valentine’s Day dinner with his mother? A mama’s boy! Unbelievable, I thought as I sat across from Brice and his mother. The restaurant he chose would have been perfect if it were just us. There were beautiful candlelight center pieces on every table. Tall rectangle jars with red beads at the bottom. They were filled half way with water and the tea-light candle floated carelessly. They laid single white roses on their lace red table clothes.

As I looked at his handsome face I picked at my food. Who the hell ever heard of such a thing, but here I was wishing that the dinner would end so that we could drop her off and be alone. It was obvious that we needed to talk. I looked at the extra large jumbo card with disdain. What did he think I was, thirteen years old? On the outside was a bear in a bow tie. The card read: The best thing about Valentine’s Day….. and on the inside it said: You! Hell he didn’t even sign the damn card. All I could do was shake my head as I looked around at all the loving couples whispering to each other, holding hands, and being intimate with each other. We used to be like that. But here I was, sitting here with him and his mother.

Brice had been a little distant lately. I wasn’t sure what it was but I was hoping that it could be ironed out if we just talked about it. So much for wishing. Brice dropped me off and went home with his mother. No come over later, no nothing. ‘Damn. He is really getting on my nerves,’ I thought to myself. Brice and I had been together for years and there were times he made me feel like we were going to get married. At other times I felt like he still wasn’t sure if he loved me.

As I went to bed I prayed that God would send me a sign, something that would tell me if I was supposed to be with this man. I found it hard to sleep and I tossed and turned all night. Something in my stomach just wasn’t right.

I awoke to piles of snow that had fallen overnight. As I looked out the window I marveled at how serene everything looked. The snow was so white, so clean, and untouched. Too bad I had to get out and drive in it. Typical Cleveland weather. I dressed and got in my car, heading to work, while trying to avoid all the cars slipping and sliding across the road. I became uneasy as my engine light came on. I was so tired of this Chevy Lumina. For most of the winter I rode around with no heat. I had to pull over and spray my windshield with de-icer just to be able to see. I had just had the heater coil repaired. My car was old but I did not want today to be the day it picked to die on me. As I turned the corner, the car died. I cursed as I rolled slowly over to the curb. I sat in my car and yelled at it for a few minutes before getting out. I surveyed the area. I was only a couple blocks away from Brice’s. I could catch the rapid to work or walk over to Brice’s house and make him take me. I was close enough to his house. I wasn’t about to catch the rapid. Who was I fooling? I wasn’t about to stand out here in these thin ass nursing scrub pants. I listened to the wind whip around me.

As I walked I pulled out my phone to dial Brice’s number. I kept getting no answer but I continued to walk over to his house. ‘He’s usually up by this time; he’s probably in the shower,’ I thought to myself as I continued to walk toward his house. I was hoping that he could take me to work before he took his mom to work and then work on my car for me while I was there. According to his mom, Brice had been working on cars since he was a boy and always fixed my car for me.

As I turned the corner and walked up on the large two family house, I saw his car. There was also another car that I didn’t recognize parked next to his in the driveway covered with snow, giving the appearance that it had been sitting there for quite a while. I walked around the car slowly, then I walked up onto the porch and I knocked on the door. I was greeted by his mother.

Ce-Ce was short, browned skinned, and wore a nice short haircut. At first she was always really curt with me and always looking over her glasses at me every time she spoke like she would see something in me that she couldn’t see with her glasses on. Sometimes I thought it was because Brice was her only son. But there were other times when I thought that she was just mean. I had been around for years now though. Granny Sal had fell in love with me already and eventually she did too.

“Baby what’s wrong?” She asked as she opened the door. She hugged me.

“My car stopped a few streets over so I walked here. Is Brice here? I called his phone as I was walking and he didn’t answer.” I said as I wiped the snow from my face and hair. I felt her looking at me over her glasses. Slowly I lifted my head as I brushed the snow from my face. When I saw the look on her face I was immediately sick to my stomach. Slowly she leaned in and whispered, “He’s upstairs.” She leaned in closer, “He has company.” She turned her back on me and walked into the kitchen.

I stared at the back of her robe as she sashayed over to the table. It was like I heard an echo. ‘He has company, company, company.’ At that moment I was not sure what to do. I just felt my heart sinking as my feet involuntarily walked me quietly up the stairs. It seemed to be more stairs than I had ever remembered climbing, though I had climbed them a million times. Thoughts raced through my head, synapses of what they might be doing. The blood in my body began to boil. I felt as if the air had been sucked out of my lungs. Somebody was about to get their ass whooped.

I opened the door and listened. All I could hear was my heart pounding. I walked across the floor lightly as I scanned the area. I saw empty bottles of beer and liquor, an ashtray full of blunt roaches, and a lightly sprinkled trail of women’s clothing from the couch to the bedroom. I felt an uneasiness wash over me. I walked slowly over to the bedroom door afraid of what I would find there, but yet I had to see.

As I looked into the room I saw my Brice peacefully cuddled up next to another woman. It took my breath away. I was frozen and for a minute I watched them sleep. I stared into his handsome face. His arm was carelessly thrown across her mid-section cupping her breast. She lay sleeping with her head on his chest. I felt a hot tear roll down my face. Then there were more tears. I gently tapped Brice out of his sleep. When he rolled over he looked as if he’d seen a ghost. I watched the color drain from his face. Before he could wipe his eyes I was already walking out of the room. He scrambled to get up, waking the young lady as he jumped out the bed yelling with his dick swinging.

“How the hell you get in here?” He said angrily as he grabbed for a pair of pants and a shirt. He started to follow me down the stairs calling my name as he scurried to catch up with me.

“Your mother let me in.” I said as I stomped down the stairs. “My car stopped on me and I walked over here hoping that you would help me. I wanted to see if you could take me to work and see what was wrong with my car but I can see that you are busy. This must be why you dropped me off early. So much for Valentine’s Day. Dumb ass nigga!” I said as I stood by the door.

“Ma, why you let her in here?” He shouted as he came down the stairs.

“Don’t blame me for your sloppy bullshit. I let her in any other time and I ain’t never heard you complain.” She said as she slammed the door to her part of the house.

“What’s wrong with your car?” he asked as he grabbed my arm. I tried to step away from him.

“Don’t touch me. And don’t sit here acting like you give a fuck. I don’t need you to do shit for me but let me out of this house.” I said as I wrestled away from him.

“Brice”, I heard a voice say softly. “What are you doing?”

We both turned and looked up the stairway. There she stood looking disheveled wearing one of his t-shirts. “Trying to kiss my ass!” I retorted. I turned and faced him. “Let me out!” I growled.

“Let me drop you off.” He said as he grabbed his coat.

“Nigga hell no! I’d rather walk. Please let me out. I do not want to disrespect your mother’s house. Besides, you can go get back in the bed with your new girlfriend.” I said as I glared at him. One thing that I did know is that if he didn’t open this damn door I was about to act a fool. I turned my back on him as I continued to cry, waiting for him to open the door. He kept trying to wrap his arms around me but I kept pushing them off. He finally stuck the key in the door and turned the lock. As he opened the door I pushed past him almost knocking him into the snow. I heard him call my name as I walked blindly out into the snow that continued to fall. I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible.

I walked back to my car and sat there crying like a baby. I couldn’t believe that he would just throw four years away like that. The communication between us had begun to wither away some time ago but I thought that we were on the road to recovery. Until Valentine’s Day things had been a little better between us. So I thought. I was crushed.

“Lord, is this your sign? Hurts like hell.” I said as I sat sobbing. I put the key in the ignition and turned. The car started right up. “This must be the answer to my question.” I said to myself. I called off work and cried all the way back home.

When my best friend, Kisses heard me come in the front door, she came over from her apartment walking through my door behind me.

“What the fuck you doing back here? I thought you had to work” When she saw the tears streaming down my face she hugged me. “What the fuck happened?”

“I just saw Brice in the bed with another bitch.” I said as I sobbed.

“What you mean you saw him in the bed with another bitch?” She said as she sat me down on my couch. She sat down next to me. “Brice would never cheat on you. He loves you.”

I looked at Kisses. She was about five feet five inches tall, slim, and covered in chocolate. She was so dark it made her big beautiful smile seem even brighter. We had become really good friends while working at the airport. The way we ended up being friends was kind of strange.

I was working at the bar and as a state tested nursing assistant when I found the job at the airport. We cleaned planes after they landed. When some of the older ladies and ‘holier than thou’s’ caught wind that I worked at a bar they encouraged her not to be my friend after she got hired. She didn’t know me and hell neither did they. I’m not sure if they thought I was a stripper but they talked about me badly.

That was until we ended up on the same cleaning crew. I learned that she was the only girl out of six children and the oldest. During her life she never really got to hang out because she was always babysitting. She said that she had never really had a real birthday party. I couldn’t believe it. I planned one for her.

We had so much fun and we have been like two peas in a pod ever since. My other best friends Smooch and Love, loved her as well. But right now I was looking at her like she was crazy.

“Bitch please! I saw it with my own eyes.” I said as I slapped her hands off my shoulders. “Get the hell off me. I am so irritated right now.” I said as I rolled my eyes at her. I wanted to laugh so bad because at the moment she looked like Beetlejuice with her hair all over her head. I told her the story of how my car stopped and that I walked over to his house only to be greeted by his mother who told me that he was upstairs with her and saw them sleeping peacefully naked in the bed, oblivious to everything after a night of love making.

“And you didn’t kick her ass?” She said as she stood up.

“Girl no. It ain’t her fault and I am sure that she didn’t know about me. She was just as surprised to see me as he was. Look like he was going to shit on himself.” I said as I laughed through my tears. “But I can go kick his ass!” I said as I grabbed my coat.

“Shit, you ain’t leaving me here.” She said as she ran back to her apartment and grabbed her coat. “I am not missing this.”

We rode back to Brice’s house in silence. All I could think in my head was how could he do this to me. I didn’t deserve it, but I felt I deserved an explanation. I kept seeing the image of them laying there holding each other, obviously comfortable. Peacefully, apparently not having a care in the world. I could imagine all the things he did to her that night. All the things he had been doing to me. It made me ill and I was livid.

I pulled up on the house and noticed that the girl’s car was gone. His car was still parked in its usual place. I wasn’t sure if he was there but I was going to find out. I rang the door bell over and over. I did not get an answer. I called his phone but it was turned off. This made me even more pissed. I called his name a few times but I did not get a response. The more I stood out there the angrier I got. I went to the car and popped the trunk.

“Gypsy, what the hell are you doing?” Kisses said as she opened her car door.

She probably thought I was going for the pistol but instead I grabbed the bat out of my trunk and proceeded to break every single window out of his car. I even broke the mirrors off. I turned exhausted and walked back over to my car. I looked at the destruction I had caused. Did I feel better? Hell yeah I did! I got into my car as I looked at Kisses.

“You crazy as hell.” She said laughing as I pulled off. It was at that moment that I promised myself that I would never let another nigga get me all up out my hook up. Love them and leave them. That was my new attitude.

Manish. I guess that is what one may call it. I felt like a guy inside. If they got on my nerves and did something I didn’t like it was on to the next one. I always kept someone waiting in the wings who wanted to reap the benefits of someone else’s fuck up. It was never necessary to divide the pie, besides that’s how I kept niggas hanging on so long.

Niggas love the chase. When the chase is over, the game changes, or shall I say the games begin? The only time a nigga stops chasing is when he decides that he wants to be a grown ass man. An old school playa told me that.

I guess I had gotten lost in the pain that Brice had dished out. Niggas’ didn’t give a fuck so why should I? This was my belief and I continued on this way until I got myself caught up in a very awkward situation.

At this time I was still working at the Last Stop and the airport. I was also as needed at the nursing home. Needless to say I was making pretty good money, I had no kids and I was single. So you know I was having the time of my life. I had two guys I messed around with on the regular. Maine, he was dark skinned and thick. He had big juicy ass lips too. The dick was ok but it was the way he kissed my pussy that made my head spin. Stan was light skinned with pretty eyes. He was a little nigga but he had a huge dick. He was very spontaneous with his dick and he was very generous with his money. I knew Stan from back in the day because we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools.

I happened to see Stan one night while I was out with a very good friend of mine. When we pulled into the gas station I noticed that beautiful gold truck.

“Hey that’s my cousin baby daddy’s truck.” Neesha said as I raised my eyebrows at her.

“Yeah, I know Stan. I grew up with him off the first.” I said as she rolled down her window and called his name. I watched as Stan walked over to the car. He leaned in and kissed Neesha on the cheek. He looked over at me. When he realized who I was he smiled.

“What you doing with her?” He laughed as he walked around to my side of the car and opened the door. He pulled me out and gave me a hug. I pulled away from him as he grabbed my ass.

“That’s my girl. I met her through Nierra. They work at the airport together.” She said as she laughed. “What you bout to do cuz?” She said as I got back in the car.

He leaned back in the window. “Whatever ya’ll want to do. I just came from getting the whip washed why don’t ya’ll hop in.”

“Ok, she lives right down the street. I can park my car there and we can go from there.” She said as she put her car in gear.

In my head I was thinking ‘He already knows where I live.’ But I didn’t mention that he and I messed around. Neesha and I were close and I just didn’t know how to tell her that her cousin’s man was messing around and with me, of all people. Even though I had known him since the sixth grade, I just didn’t think that it would go over well with her.

We went to a restaurant where Stan sat across from me playing footsies with me all night. It was funny, yet awkward, to say the least. Then we went to a club where we had a few drinks. It was interesting to see a faint hint of jealousy when other guys tried to holler at me. Stan was in a permanent relationship and was nothing but a play toy to me. So honestly I didn’t give a shit.

After we shut down the spot we went back to my house. “I got to piss” Stan said as he pulled up behind Neesha’s car.

“Well I’m out. I got to go all the way back to the west.” Neesah said as she walked over to her car.

“Be careful girl. And call me when you get home.” I said as I hugged her and watched her pull off. Stan pulled in my driveway. As I walked up the driveway Stan hopped out.

“Can I use your bathroom?” Stan said as he grabbed me around the waist. “Girl don’t play, you know I’m coming upstairs. Looking all good in that skirt and shit.” He said as he slowly slid his hands up my dress. I slapped his hands away and walked up the stairs.

I smirked at him and opened the door. “Sure, why not?” I opened the door to my apartment and walked in behind him. I turned and closed the door. When I turned around he was directly behind me. He picked me up and sat me on the kitchen sink. Slowly he kissed up my thighs and moved my panties to the side. The whole time I thought to myself, I got to stop fucking with this nigga, but I did let him eat my pussy though.

A couple of days later Neesha came by with Stan’s baby momma. This only intensified the awkwardness of the situation. Salina seemed to be a nice girl. Somebody I would hang out with. Neesha continued to bring her around. She had even invited me to her house. While I was there Stan came home. He didn’t even flinch when he saw me. He even had the nerve to try to grope me in the kitchen. There was no way that I could continue to keep sleeping with this man. Neesha and this girl were not only cousins but they were like best friends. I loved Neesha and I did value our friendship.

The mistake I made was confiding in a person about the situation instead of just coming clean about the situation. Maine was jealous and he made it his business to find out who was who. Maine overheard a conversation that I had with Kisses while we were on a plane that we were cleaning. Of course he went directly to Nierra and Neesha and told them all the business unbeknownst to me and the phone calls came in. I truly was not ready for how the situation unfolded. I was truly feeling bad about the situation and I was trying to figure out a way out of it. Neesha was so mad at me and I couldn’t blame her. I just didn’t know how to tell her. Their whole family was upset with me and I felt bad about it. Of course you know they did a conference call with everyone on the phone.

“Bitch, you fucking my baby daddy? I thought we were cool? You been to my house and shit. Why would you do that to me?” She screamed hysterically into the phone.

Stan chimed in immediately. “I told you that I didn’t fuck that bitch!” He said angrily.

“Wait a minute nigga. Don’t be over there calling me bitches and shit. And don’t be mad that you can’t tell your girl the truth.” I said as my blood began to boil. “Truth is I been knowing Stan since we were in elementary school. We have been fucking around off and on since high school. Honestly I was shocked when I found out that you were his baby momma and that you were Neesha’s cousin. That was about three weeks ago when me and Neesha ran into him at the gas station.”

“Now I can vouch for that because she was with me and I was surprised that they knew each other too.” “Neesha said.

“I don’t give a fuck about that. Why didn’t you say anything after you found out?” Salina said haughtily.

“Honestly, I just didn’t know how. I’m sure the nigga that ran and told you failed to mention that I was trying to find a way to end it without losing my friendship with Neesha. And that I had planned to break it off the very next time I spoke with him for this very exact reason. I’m sorry for not telling you and letting you find out. That was my mistake. I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it.” I said as I sat down in a chair.

“Man, why you lying?” Stan yelled into the phone.

“Nigga! Shut up and get the fuck off my phone and don’t say shit to me until you decide to keep it real.” I said as I hung up the phone.

Damn! I’m not gone lie. I felt real bad about what had happened. I cut Maine off completely despite his persistence. I never took another phone call from Stan either. He had a lot of balls calling me after things had calmed down to see if he could see me again. Needless to say the relationship between Neesha and I was broken for a very long time. She stopped speaking to me. She trusted me and I trusted her. I let her down. She was my friend. It was just a terrible coincidence, yet one that cost me a very dear friend.

I eventually did see Neesha again and we talked about it. She said she was mad because I didn’t tell her and left her in the middle of a situation that she knew nothing about. Neesha and I remain friends to this day but I learned a very valuable lesson. Circumstances and coincidences can shake a relationship to the core and ultimately alter or end it for good.

With this I changed. I didn’t want anyone to hurt me and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to continue to keep putting bad karma on myself by messing with men that belonged to others. It was time for me to have my own.

Finding Love in the Right Place: ‘So I Thought!’

Nathaniel. I remember the first time I ran back into him. It was at a mutual friend of ours Jizzle’s house. I’ve known Jizzle since I was sixteen years old. We all grew up in the same neighborhood, went to school together, but Nathaniel and I had never kicked it in the same circle. It had been years since I had even seen him. When I saw him, I was like ‘wow, he put on some grown man weight.’ He was thick but not fat. He was handsome and tall. He had a Spanish kind of look with a bronzed kind of color to his skin. He was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. He told me how great I looked. But I knew that. At 4’11, 125 pounds, thick in all the right places. Pretty, brown skinned girl with long hair that was mine (no weave), you couldn’t tell me shit. (Hey, if I don’t love it no one else will!)

We went out and got a bottle and we sat back with Jizzle and kicked it for the rest of the day, catching up on old times and neighborhood news as we listened to music. When the night ended Nathaniel and I exchanged numbers. Over the next few weeks we got to know more about each other, and eventually started hanging out.

He was fun to be around. He always made me laugh. His friends were fun to kick it with too. They were always having ranking contests or doing something crazy. We were on and off for a while, casually seeing each other, then eventually started to become serious. It was cool because I enjoyed spending time with him. It was great for a while.

Even though he wasn’t the type of guy I would usually go for, I learned to love him. We laughed, we went out and we were able to kick it with our friends and maintain our relationship. When we ran into each other at the spot, we gave each other space. I was never that kind of clingy woman with no self-confidence who never gave her man enough air to breathe (or rope to hang himself). We would send each other drinks across the bar. If I came with my girls I left with my girls. I would just hook up with him later. We had our fall-outs though. One Labor Day I asked him what he was doing in attempts to get him to join me and my family for the holiday. He said that he would be kicking it with his family. It wasn’t a problem we just made plans to hook up later on that night. We never did get together that night. When I called him he didn’t answer the phone. It must have been purely coincidental that while I was at work the next day my mother called and asked me for the name of the young man I had been dating. I told her that his name was Nathaniel. That is when she proceeded to tell me that he had a brother (Hennessy) that worked at her job. She also said that in casual conversation Hennessy told her that for the holiday he and his girl and his brother (Nathaniel) and his girl threw some stuff on the grill at his house. Apparently when Mom mentioned my name Hennessy had no clue what she was talking about so she started asking questions.

Small world ain’t it. I never knew that my mother and Nathaniel’s brother worked together. (This was the first warning sign that I completely ignored.) Who knew that his lie would get back to my mom? Of course I went over to his house and flipped out on him. Had to, he lied to me for no reason and I was pissed. But it didn’t last long. I hadn’t talked to him for a few days but you know I gave in when he called me. I was smitten by him. I loved the way we kicked it. The sex was good. I did tell him that if he was serious that he had to let go of his past. He said that he could do that and so we officially decided to be in a relationship and eventually we moved in together.

He would get his daughter on occasions and she would spend time with us. At times we would spend time with my friends and other times we would kick it with his friends. Things were great, for about two years in fact. One of his friends used to call me Remi Dreams. At that time that was my drink of choice and I won’t lie, I used to get it in. But I do love to have fun!

Speaking of having fun; the night of my mother’s bachelorette party was the party of all parties. I rented a suite at the Marriot hotel with the double bed rooms and the living room and kitchen. I hired strippers and made various flavorful dishes. I bought a blow up doll so that we could toss rings around its dick. We tried to blow it up but end up taking it to the gas station to use an air pump. Talk about funny. Here we were, four black girls with this huge white, naked blow up doll with this huge dick hanging out the window. Those people at this predominately white gas station were looking at us sideways. We just laughed and waved at them. Needless to say we had a lot of fun that night.

When the party was over I called Nathaniel and told him to come out to the room. He fucked me all over that room that night, eventually asking me could he cum inside me. We had officially been together for a little over two years at this time. I said yes, never thinking that I would get pregnant that night. But I did.

When I found out I was pregnant I went to his job. “Nathaniel I’m pregnant. What do you want us to do?” I wasn’t sure how he would feel. I looked him in his face as he smiled.

He hugged me as he said, “My son might be in there.” Abortion was never considered. Everyone was happy for us. We spent time talking about our future as a family. I thought things were going to be great. Here I was 28 years old, having my first child. I had just been approved for a three bedroom house. It was on the outskirts of Garfield Hts. It had a two car garage and an extra bathroom in the basement. The day I received the keys I was nervous as hell. I walked up and down the driveway as I watched Hennessy pull up on the street.

“OKKK. This where ya’ll gone be at?” He said as he hopped out his Monte Carlo.

“Hell yeah!” Nathaniel said excitedly. He paced up and down the driveway with his friend Herm who had pulled up a few minutes earlier.

Hennessy looked over at me. He must have sensed my nervousness. “What’s wrong? My nephew ok in there?” He said as he reached out and rubbed my stomach.

“Yeah, he’s fine. Just kind of nervous.” I looked over at Nathaniel as he rambled on with Herm about how much closer to the hood he was. “I just hope I don’t end up doing this all alone.”

“Don’t worry, he’ll settle down.” He said as he gently pat me on the shoulders. “Don’t let yourself get stressed out.”

I thought I had waited long enough to avoid all the young, dumb shit that I watched some of my girls go through when they became pregnant at early ages. Boy was I WRONG!!!!!!! Dumb shit catches up with you no matter what age you are. When it’s your turn, you have to deal with it. Overcome or surrender.

I have tried over and over again to figure out where we went wrong because at first everything was so great. We moved from a one bedroom apartment to a three bedroom house that I had purchased for my new family. I was hoping that he would realize that he had a good woman on his side, but he didn’t. We had our share of problems but during my pregnancy it was as if the father of my unborn child turned into someone else. This other person was nuts, I mean Bi-polar. I’m sure the craziness was always there I just refused to catch on. In other words the writing was on the wall and I tried to erase it or paint over it, yet it was still there.

There was a complete stranger in my house. During my pregnancy Nathaniel hopped from job to job. Kisses and I used to always wonder how he got the best shifts, weekends off and still didn’t want to work. Every time he started getting his own money he began to stay out all night. I am not perfect by far, but I worked two jobs my entire pregnancy and to me it seemed that he didn’t even want to work one.

I felt like he was stepping out on me because he started coming in later and later. It made me very insecure about our relationship but he would always tell me that I did not have any reason to worry. He felt like it was okay for him to kick it constantly because I wouldn’t. I was pregnant and had no desire to be running the streets. He continued to try to reassure me that he wasn’t doing anything, yet he always had an excuse to why he came home so late. Being pregnant, I didn’t put up much of a fight. I wasn’t ready to break up my family, hell my son hadn’t even been born yet. His late nights became the norm.

I sat around the house bored out of my mind. I couldn’t wait to have the baby. I was tired of feeling fat and unloved. Nathaniel had stopped touching me yet he continued to stay out all night. I was so disgusted and discouraged. ‘Lord, it has got to get better than this’, I thought to myself. The phone interrupted my thoughts.

It was my friends calling me asking me to go out. Of course I told them no. I was big as hell and did not have the energy. But I did muster up enough energy to go get me some ice cream from McDonalds though. Let me tell you how God works (I didn’t know it at the time). I went to the McDonalds on Broadway but their ice cream machine was down. So I drove up to the McDonalds on Buckeye and got my ice cream from there. I drove past R D’s and went home.

Well some of my oldest and closest friends, Smooch, Love, and T-Money went to R D’s that night and apparently so did Nathaniel. Low and behold, why did my friends walk up on Nathaniel in his best friends’ car all hugged up with another female? You know it was his cousin right??? You know they put him on blast.

Smooch called me on the phone. “Nate is in Herms car all hugged up with another bitch.”

“What?” I said as I dropped my ice cream on the floor. “Dammit!”

“Yeah we happened to walk past his car and seen him in the back seat of Herms car with his arms wrapped around some hoe.” She screamed in my ear.

I started to cry. I knew that nigga was out there trickin’. Plus I had just rode all over town for that damn ice cream cone.

“Don’t cry over that nothing ass nigga. I know you pregnant and all but the nigga ain’t worth your tears. How many times has he proven that to you already?”

“I’m crying more because I just dropped my ice cream!” I said as I looked in horror at the heap on the floor.

I hung up and called Nathaniel’s phone. He never picked it up and he eventually turned it off. It seemed highly coincidental that my girls would have taken me to the same bar Nate was at that night. If I would have been with them I would have seen it for myself. It just wasn’t in God’s plan to let me see that. It would have been too much stress on my unborn.

I called him a few more times that night but his phone continued to go to voice mail, and he did not come home until early the next day. When he returned he told me that he knew that my girls would make it seem like more than what it was and he didn’t want to hear it so he turned his phone off. Of course he continued to tell me that it wasn’t the way that my friends made it out to be, but in my head I’m thinking ‘Why would my friend that I have been knowing for 24 years call me and tell me that my man, the father of my unborn child was cheating on me if it wasn’t true?’ I was damn near nine months pregnant. They knew what it would do to me and how it would make me feel so why would they do that on purpose, just to stir up some shit between me and him? But you know that is the reason he gave, attempting to justify his actions. I felt stuck, like I had to let the situation roll of my back. I was pregnant with his child and I was trying to give this family thing a chance. I just hoped that things would smooth out and things would get back on track with us, but it was just the beginning of letting the bullshit roll off my back. Self Inflicted Pain!

The day I had our son, he was a week late. I was induced for thirty-six hours yet I still didn’t dilate. Talk about being scared. I did not want to get up on that table, but I did not have a choice. They said that my son was in distress. I had the cesarean and what I got out of it was an 8 lb 13oz baby boy that we call Big Country. He was so beautiful, he reminded me of a Hawaiian with his dark hair and his beautiful brown complexion. His chubby cheeks, slanted eyes, and long fingers and feet, I was in love with him instantly. Oh how I loved Big Country. Any mother or father, who would beat up kids or old folks about their babies know this feeling. Unconditional love. Doesn’t get any better than that. I had it! Bad. Hell I lost a job because some heifer tried to disrespect me and my boy baby.